My little 1 lb 4oz 23/3 day micro preemie will be 7 in August. I cannot take it.
She will be going into the 2nd grade this year and time is flying by like nothing.
I turned 30 this past year, Yikes! So many changes in the past few years.
She is still getting services through her school, such as occupational therapy,
physical therapy and speech. She has made TONS of progress and I am so proud.

In the beginning you really have no idea what to expect. I honestly didn't. I didn't know
if I would ever be able to have a conversation with my child, would she understand?
Would she even be able to feed her self, walk, go to school or make friends?

The answer to that is you never will know those answers but with time things change.

I know I always mention I want to keep this blog up every time I post, but I do!
I still want to be there for those going through what I did and those who may have
questions. So PLEASE feel free to reach out, be active on my posts, I will answer!

I'm back!

It's kind of funny...almost a year to the day I last posted.
Madison will be 6 in August! Can any of you believe it!?
She will be starting first grade in a fall and made it through kindergarten no problem!

This time of year always brings joy and sadness. I always think about what life would be like with Dexter, but on a more positive note my surviving twin 23 week and 3 day-er is doing great!
I just joined a Micro Preemies group on facebook and I can only say that I am so blessed with Madison. There has been mention of PTSD after having a micro preemie and even 6 years later I honestly can't watch videos of other micro preemies in the NICU without it bringing me back to that time and giving me anxiety. 

Life gets in the Way

Sorry to my followers I really should make a point to post more often. Here are a few updates over the past almost year.

Madison has graduated from pre-school after attending for 2 years, since she was 3 (early intervention recomended). So glad they did by the way she has made so much progress it is unbelieveable!

Now at almost 5, can you believe it my baby is going to be 5 next month! She is almost FULLY potty trained only pull ups for bedtime and they are for the most part DRY in the mornings!

I have kept my first job since taking the voluntary leave in 2011 for a year and switched to a job making 5 dollars more an hour, I've been there 3 months now.

Next week my bf of close to 2 years and I are moving into a place together. I honestly would have never thought this is where I would be at separating from my ex husband, but hey life continues and you move on and things change and I welcome change.

Turning Over a New Leaf

         Hello hello! Last I posed Madison was about 2 1/2. Well she just had her birthday in August and she a now a 4 year old. F-O-U-R can you believe it!? I can't believe it. Some of you have been with me through this journey from the start and I appreciate all your support. Lets see...where do I begin? I am now divorced and it will be a year Oct. 28th yay! I have now been with my current boyfriend for over a year, it goes by way too quick! Madison is now in her LAST year of preschool and she will be an official kindergartener this September! SO CRAZY!.

      I went back to work this past March after almost 3 years and was given a Full-time position this past August and I officially got my first EVER brand new car ON MY OWN this past Monday. Things are really looking up and I couldn't be more excited.

     I've also started another journey. I've found a company called Le-Vel. It is a wellness program designed to help in everyday life, to give you balance, more energy, adequate sleep and so much more! Want to know more? Sign up for a FREE account here ThriveCecelia.Le-Vel.com  and always stay informed! You can also reach me here by email: ThriveCecelia  earn FREE PRODUCTS for yourself by signing up for a FREE PROMOTOR account and getting others to sign up as well all you need is two people under yourself to receive auto-ship products.

     I'm glad I decided to come back and post, it seems there are still people out there looking at my blog and reading about my experiences and I'm glad I could share and give others hope. Here are two current photos of my mini and I. Enjoy!

Somewhat of an update

Well hello my loyal followers. It has been forever once again, but I'm keeping up periodic check-ins. Madison is now a little over 2 1/2, and that's crazy. We've been trying play groups with her through EI and the first one didn't work out. That one was where we'd drop her off and leave. We are now trying one where I stay with her. She's been there twice now. The first visit didn't go so well but the last one was pretty good...I think it is because we got there before anyone else so she settled in before all the commotion.

EI pushing for preschool and I'm on board I'm just really nervous because she has issues adjusting and no one really knows about her. How to settle her down or just deal with her in general. She's pretty sensitive.

As for my life I'm in my second semester of college and there's only a few weeks left until summer vacation. I can't wait! There really wasn't a spring break seeing as I had work to do all through it. Trying to get this divorce started,over and done with ASAP. ANDD I think that's about it. I'm going to the gym almost daily. 5 - 6 days a week...that's just kind of what I do haha. I've lost 47lbs since starting in November and still working on a bunch more haha.




An updated photo of the babes and I <3

Glasses

Madison now has glasses and is considered legally blind without them. It came as somewhat of a surprise since she's done so well without glasses. I knew her eyes were bad but not legally blind bad. It's a struggle keeping them on her face but with time we'll get there. She's doing good, saying more moving around.

New Beginnings

Madison is too old and too wise for my liking. Such a cleaver girl. So smart it's ridiculous! She's walking way more than she is crawling. She is so silly and just the biggest love of my life and can be the biggest pain in my butt but a pain I would never change. She is just the sweetest and I wish I could have her innocence.

As for what I'm up to I'm still in school and determined to pass all my classes. I can't wait until next semester I'm already wanting to change my classes! I am having the hardest time with math..any suggestions? I'm still doing a little modeling...movie extra stuff when I have the time which I absolutely LOVE! I finally filed for divorce officially so now I'm just kind of waiting on his response.

Now that I think about IVF and everything "we" went through to have these child(ren) it saddens me how selfish someone can be. I still have these frozen embryos I'm supposed to be paying on but haven't, that I will most likely never use because all my eggs were fertilized with a man's sperm I'm no longer with. I'm not sure I'll ever get the chance to have another child without going through IVF I just wish I would've spared some eggs and froze them but who would've known I'd actually get the nerve up to kick him out of my life..

...On a happier not I have been the happiest I've been in a long time. So I leave you all with a little shot of us :)

This was either from August or September.

Moving on

I apologize for not posting in about three months I've just been doing a lot of things all at once. Life has been getting better. The husband and I are still apart and plan to stay that way...I will be filing for divorce.

I am officially enrolled in school, I have a car and with my couple nights I get off a week I'm actually doing things for myself. I'm getting back into modeling a bit and just doing awesome stuff. I've met up with a few friends from elementary school and it was so great seeing them and catching up. I've been on a few dates but nothing really came of anything and I don't want to be tired down just yet.

*I did see your comment asking how Madison was a couple months back but forgot to respond I am sorry*

Friday, August 16th we celebrated Dexter and Sunday, August 18th we had Madison's birthday party. Monday, August 19th was her actual birthday and this child is TWO! Can you believe it!? So to answer your questions Madison is doing GREAT, she is just go go go all the time, shes starting to walk more without support, crawling up stairs and will walk up normally with her hand(s) being held.

I was going through photos months ago of her and photos of her now and it's just crazy how much she has grown! I honestly have maybe 5 photos total of her and her father...it's just sad. He came to her Birthday late for about 20 minutes. I had to ask him to sit next to her so I can take a pic. He pretty much ran out of the door with his mother and grandmother. He didn't watch her open presents, or even eat any cake. She screams when either of them hold her...I just feel bad.

They expect me to always be on them to see her and that's not something I want to do..I figure they want to see her they will be in touch...and they aren't. Her dad completely ignores me and well I guess that's how it will be.

Here are some pictures for your viewing enjoyment!

 
                   

 

MY FAVORITE!  Taken Aug 18th

ME :)
Artistic Director: Jennifer Evie
Photographer: James DeMello
Dress: Gifts to Give/ Project Cinderella

Changes

A lot has happened since my last post. My parents and I moved into a bigger place and my husband and I split about two months ago now, leaving me without a car. I have a donations page here: http://www.gofundme.com/help-us-get-a-car  to help Madison and I with a car.

Madison is doing well she is 18 months now, 14 adjusted. She is standing and cruises but has yet to take her first steps on her own and I'm okay with that. I'm so not looking forward to running after her just yet. She is obsessed with standing at the TV. Shes pointing and clapping its so great seeing her grow and learn new things. We did the Radiothon again this year, which was fun.

Christmas

Here are some Christmas Photos I feel I should share. Taken today. So sorry for neglecting you all! We've all come down with a nasty cold, it spread through the whole house. December 13th was the twins' original due date so it marked Madison's actual first birthday. Tomorrow December 23rd is the day one year ago Madison came home from the NICU.

 

                                                                   

Halloween and things..

Well I realized I haven't posted in sometime. If you all were wondering at all Madison not only crawls but gets on her knees, pulls herself up and stands. She will take a couple steps with support and has between 6 to 8 teeth making their appearance. She is loud and crazy and her toothy grin is heart warming.
Here are some photos for your viewing pleasure :P

We didn't do too much for Halloween. WedressedMadison up but she wasn't liking it. We attempted to put her on the ground to get some photos taken of here but for some reason she hates it. Halloween was also my Husband and I's wedding anniversary and well we didn't do much. No money really so we went to 99 and I just felt dizzy and weak so after a trip to CVS it was Nyquil and bedtime.

That'd be me on Halloween :)

And it's back

Something is up with Madison's insides. A baby shouldn't scream, cry and tighten up her legs in an attempt to prevent herself from passing gas or pooping. It isn't normal and she never did that EVER not even when she came home and was constipated but actually starting going on her own its never happened. She now only goes a smidge but we change smidge diapers 10+ times a day and we have to hear the screaming and crying and there is nothing we can do to help. So we will be seeing a gastrointestinal doctor again hopefully soon. I just hope it's nothing major.

Wednesday Night

Started out nice. The husband and I decided to eat out somewhere. Not that we had the money because I'm drowning in bills BUT I think we needed it. We ordered our food and somehow Dexter came up in conversation.

The hubby started saying things like "Could you imagine if Dexter was here taking care of two kids?" and in my head I said "I sure could it wouldn't be easy by no means but maybe I'd be a lot happier than I am, maybe I wouldn't have so much guilt." I responded by saying "So your thankful we only have her huh?" Clearly that is how I took his comment and I really didn't see any other way of taking it at that time. We both clearly teared up in the restaurant. He started talking about "what-ifs," and I told him to stop. I didn't want to talk about the "what-ifs," because they weren't going to happen.

I know something deep in him is making him not feel caring towards Madison and I think it has to do with not having Dexter. I told him when I was still pregnant and after we found out about the cervical issue that there could be a possibility of delivering one twin and trying to save the other and he responded so harshly with "So it has to be Dexter, we'd have to lose him?" Something along those lines and I feel like he might blame me for his loss or blame Madison for being the survivor. Sometimes I see the unconditional love in his eyes towards her but its more not than anything.

I don't know how marriages survive losing a child because it feels like it's one whole blame game and you will always be tied together because of that loss. We never cried on each other's shoulder when we lost Dexter maybe a hug with some tears but clearly there has been no closure and no connection between us for Dexter.Maybe it's because so  much family was around that we could take our own personal time to mourn and we still can't because we still aren't alone.

6 Month Eye Appointment Check Up

After we left Madison's 6 month check up I was kind of upset. As some of you know or may not know because of how premature Madison was and how long she was on oxygen she developed Retinopathy of Prematurity (ROP)

This is what Wikipedia has to say about it:
Retinopathy of prematurity (ROP), previously known as retrolental fibroplasia (RLF), is an eye disease that affects prematurely-born babies. It is thought to be caused by disorganized growth of retinal blood vessels which may result in scarring and retinal detachment. ROP can be mild and may resolve spontaneously, but it may lead to blindness in serious cases. As such, all preterm babies are at risk for ROP, and very low birth weight is an additional risk factor. Both oxygen toxicity and relative hypoxia can contribute to the development of ROP.

Normally, maturation of the retina proceeds in-utero, and at term the mature infant has fully vascularized retina. However, in preterm infants, the retina is often not fully vascularized. ROP occurs when the development of the retinal vasculature is arrested and then proceeds abnormally. The key disease element is fibrovascular proliferation. This is growth of abnormal new vessels that may regress, but frequently progresses. Associated with the growth of these new vessels is fibrous tissue (scar tissue) that may contract to cause retinal detachment. Multiple factors can determine whether the disease progresses, including overall health, birth weight, the stage of ROP at initial diagnosis, and the presence or absence of "plus disease". Supplemental oxygen exposure, while a risk factor, is not the main risk factor for development of this disease. Restricting supplemental oxygen use does not necessarily reduce the rate of ROP, and may raise the risk of other hypoxia-related systemic complications.^{[citation needed]}
Other physicians have suggested that supplemental oxygen, specifically oxygen tents given to pre-term infants specifically causes ROP. The hypothesized mechanism involves the degradation and developmental cessation of blood vessels in the presence of excess oxygen. When the excess oxygen environment is removed, the blood vessels begin forming rapidly again and grow into the vitreous humor of the eye from the retina, sometimes leading to blindness.^[1] This does not preclude the dangers of hypoxic environments for premature infants.
Patients with ROP are at greater risk for strabismus, glaucoma, cataracts and myopia later in life and should be examined yearly to help prevent and treat these conditions.

So with that said Madison had laser surgery in both her eyes. I was told she may have to wear glasses, everyone in this family has glasses but that's no big deal. We are supposed to go back for another 6 month follow up and I was warned that, that may be the time when she will get glasses. According to the doctor the prescription is "very strong," and there is one type of frame for kids. So I took that as her having coke bottle glasses. That part upset me. He took it as no big deal but to me she sees fine. She looks at everything she gets to the things she wants across the room I don't feel like there is anything wrong with her vision and I don't want to put glasses on my daughter's face until she can tell me whether or not see can see these things or not.

My husband was upset too and was talking about getting a second opinion, I think its a good idea but I just don't get the whole "let me examine your eyes and I can tell you need glasses," deal without a child being able to respond. I understand looking in her eyes and checking out how the vessels in her eyes are but that doesn't state whether she is blind or not. I just hope between now and then Madison will prove him wrong. Either way I don't think he can tell if she can see by just looking at vessels.

It's Crazy

Madison's personality is really starting to shine through. She is the happiest baby...unless she doesn't want/like something but she is too adorable! She smiles over anything now and she's starting to crawl and everything. We caught her on her knees pulling herself up and looking over her pack n' play so we lowered it now to "play pen" status. She gets into anything and everything. She's doing so much more than I ever thought during those NICU days. We do have a miracle on our hands and I'm so thankful for her.

Sorry

I realized I never updated you all on the red lumpy bumps situation. I think I put ice on it a couple times and now It's pretty much all gone. Now she is having a pooping issue these last couple weeks. I have her on prune baby food, prune juice I'm only feeding her cereal once a day and some fruits and veggies twice a day until she does a good sized poop. I don't want to bind her up anymore.

Shots

At Madion's year appointment with her Pedi she had to get 3 shots. Its been over a week later and I remember her having a little red dot after one injection and now she had some redness on her thigh that is getting bigger and feels lumpy. I'm not sure if that is from the injection because I'm pretty sure there was no redness at some point. So I called her Pedi's office and am waiting to hear back from the nurse.

A bit late

I forgot to share. Madison had an ultrasound on Wednesday to check on her kidney growth. All they told me was her kidneys are getting a little closer in size ..which I watched as she did the ultrasound and looked at her measurements. There was also free fluid in one of them last time but has went down since the last ultrasound. So all in all one kidney is still bigger than the other but they are getting closer together but aren't as big as they should be at her age. I'm thinking they are going by her actual age (1 year) instead of her adjusted age of (8 months+)

The first thing I did when we went in for the ultrasound I was saying how last time we were here Madison was an angry baby. She was still on the crappy formula and colicky and she said "yeah I read about her crying in the review." So I was thinking to myself damn she already has a record, giver her some slack. Which also made me think about the Seinfeld episode where Elane's doctor wrote in her chart she was a difficult patient lol.

Back in Time

I remember when she was born and when she was immediately wheeled away. I remember seeing her for the first time in the incubator surrounded by this squishy material to mimic the womb. Hot air was blown on her and she laid there with a breathing tube taped to her face. She laid there motionless except for the wiggling of her two big toes. She was tiny but even then full of life. She was a twin but there she was alone and there she would thrive and survive.

Who is chosen to lose a child? What are the requirements when we are chosen? Why must we need to suffer through a loss. It doesn't seem right. It seems as though it is all the good deserving people out there who are chosen. Those that just want that chance to love a child, to make a family complete. Even after the loss we are burdened with the thought. It never disappears or gets easier. It stays and it hurts and hurts. Some days or fine then other it comes back hitting a hundred times over and your shot down just like you were then. Everyone says how strong you are but that's just on the outside. If I could have just stopped everything from turning for a bit longer I would have but having a surviving child you have to love and take care of makes the world keep turning and there is no pause you have to keep living because if it isn't for yourself it's for her and she deserves it.

Madison

One year ago today my life changed. Decisions, suggestions and a bunch of information was thrown at me and it meant nothing. At around 7PM I was brought into surgery, by choice to try and give my unborn daughter a better shot at like. At 7:21PM Madison was delivered by c section. I wasn't listening for her first cry because I knew it wasn't going to happen she was too premature. What I did listen for was her stats and most importantly her heartrate and what they could stabilized it at before going to the NICU. Once I heard 160bpm I knew she would be okay. She was born 1lb 3ozs and only 10 1/2 inches long,. She's had 4 surgeries and life threatening infections that could have killed her. She spent the first four months of her life in the NICU 127 days. Today she is over 15lbs and an extremely loud and energetic ball of fire. I couldn't have imagined a better outcome for her. She has surprised us and her doctors. She is truly a miracle. So on this day we celebrate her life and her struggles because without her I don't know where I would be. Happy First Birthday Madison!