Wednesday Night

Started out nice. The husband and I decided to eat out somewhere. Not that we had the money because I'm drowning in bills BUT I think we needed it. We ordered our food and somehow Dexter came up in conversation.

The hubby started saying things like "Could you imagine if Dexter was here taking care of two kids?" and in my head I said "I sure could it wouldn't be easy by no means but maybe I'd be a lot happier than I am, maybe I wouldn't have so much guilt." I responded by saying "So your thankful we only have her huh?" Clearly that is how I took his comment and I really didn't see any other way of taking it at that time. We both clearly teared up in the restaurant. He started talking about "what-ifs," and I told him to stop. I didn't want to talk about the "what-ifs," because they weren't going to happen.

I know something deep in him is making him not feel caring towards Madison and I think it has to do with not having Dexter. I told him when I was still pregnant and after we found out about the cervical issue that there could be a possibility of delivering one twin and trying to save the other and he responded so harshly with "So it has to be Dexter, we'd have to lose him?" Something along those lines and I feel like he might blame me for his loss or blame Madison for being the survivor. Sometimes I see the unconditional love in his eyes towards her but its more not than anything.

I don't know how marriages survive losing a child because it feels like it's one whole blame game and you will always be tied together because of that loss. We never cried on each other's shoulder when we lost Dexter maybe a hug with some tears but clearly there has been no closure and no connection between us for Dexter.Maybe it's because so  much family was around that we could take our own personal time to mourn and we still can't because we still aren't alone.

Your Reason

I realize many of you have stumbled upon my little blog here maybe through google searching for experiences with twin pregnancies and some of you are having cervical issues and are looking for a positive outcome, and there is those of you who unfortunately have the pleasure of getting to know the nicu. I just want to say don't let my stories scare you. There is still hope regardless of your situation. My cervix failed me but in the end I had a choice and the choice that changed things and put them in a direction I'd rather have not gone was removing the cerclage that supposedly made Dexter's fluid extremely low. I say supposedly because when we thought it was time to deliver him they broke my water in the process and let me tell you there was a lot. That was the second mistake I didn't know what was happening and they broke my water which I would have decided against. My advice to you if you are in the same situation where they doctors are drilling you about infection because a cerclage may have ruptured your water STAY in the hospital and let them monitor you. Do NOT remove the cerclage unless they have positive evidence you have an infection...it can save your child's life trust me if I could go back it would have stayed put. I also HIGHLY advise any pregnant women whether or not their is history of it in the family or not PLEASE get your cervix checked at EVERY appointment every ultrasound it is very important you have a long and closed cervix to keep a healthy and uneventful pregnancy. If you happen to be one of those unlucky few who have to be put on bedrest. Don't be angry its in your child's best interest and yes it can get boring and you can become really frustrated and full of mixed emotions (read my first few posts) but it's not forever it doesn't last. I remember being admitted to the hospital at 22 weeks I was so not happy and wanting to go home and after a week it got easier and I was hoping I'd be there for much longer than I was but it was cut short and my life changed so quickly. You don't prepare because you can't...I never even thought to have someone bring me my camera...I have no others photos of my son except for the ones on my cellphone. If you are admitted to the hospital go as if its your delivery day. You don't want to miss out on the moments good or bad because regret is a bitch to live with, it eats at you. So this brings me to the nicu-ers. I had a long, hard NICU stay. I was told so many times before Madison was born that we had less than 1% of a survival rate for babies at 23 weeks and that's whith retardation, handicaps and all. As scary as that was to hear we kept hope. I distanced myself from Madison in the beginning. She was so small and frail and I didn't know how to act. I couldn't say "I love you," to her because that meant I would open myself up to be hurt. To hurt even more than I already was when Dexter passed just 3 days earlier. It took me a while to come around. I was fighting with myself I was depressed I was hurt I just lost my child and now I was going to lose her I was numb. She was stable and fighting but everyday there was something different. And I remember the nurse saying to me "get your hand in there and touch her,she needs you," and I replied "I'm scared." From that day forward I knew she did need me she needed to know I was there no matter what and that I will fight along side her, and I did I was right there through the good and the bad and the bad again. The NICU really puts a toll on you mentally and you can never be happy for a full 24 hours or tell anyone things are good because it will get shoved right back in your face and turn to just the opposite. So I guess what I'm trying to say it BE there, always. Love even though its tough because for that moment they are with you and need every bit of hope and confidence you have because they don't know what's going just that they are there and you should be too.

with every end comes a new beginning

Well I was told today they wanted to order an ultrasound to take a look at my cervix which is awesome yet terrifying. I've been waiting for that since about 9am. In about 38 minutes it will be a whole 48 hours since Dexter's birth. We put in his birth certificate info and I'm waiting for the lady to get back so we can sign it. We had a little scare last night. I started contracting and I was having more pressure when standing so I had an exam and was told I was 5cm dilated and if I wanted a c section it would be soon. I was then exmained again and was told I was 3cm and they didn't feel bulging membranes so we made it through the night. The next day August 19th was fairly quiet contractions here and there. Pain and contractions got noticeably closer together and stronger around 6:00PM ish so I got examined manually and with an abdominal ultrasound which showed I was about 7cm dilated Madison was breech and her legs and hips were almost on their way out so again if I wanted a c section it was now. And I agreed so a flood of nurses, doctors, and other people came in asking a bunch of questions to get things moving along. I was told not to move one bit because once she is near the vagina there would be no point in doing a c section. So I was preped and ready to go. Wheeled in given the spinal all set up and hubby came in. Everything was so quick one difference this time around was when she came out (I couldn't see her) she was moving all around, and opening her mouth. The other good things were she ended up getting the full dose of the steroid shots and the magnesium sulfate. Her heart rate at birth came down to 90bpm and immediately stabilized her to 120s +. Little Madison Jade was born at 7:12PM August 19th 2011 just 3 days after her brother. And it seems her big brother is looking out for her.

23 weeks too young.

* Excuse the spelling errors I was on my cellphone at the time.*
Before the whole umbilical cord ordeal earlier that morning I was given steroid shots to try and mature the babies lungs. Fast forward to the umbilical cord thing all family has left and it was just my husband and I he was incharge of calling everyone. To needless to say at that point the baby had to come now, but like before...no contractions. They brought in an ultrasound to be at bedside to check baby's progress through the birth canal. Baby was still in by his chest like the previous day. Oddly enough I had no pain pushing or anything. So right away we began pushing one after another and he seems to be moving somewhat. The doctor has his hands putting pressure to where I should push as the baby was moving down. The only uncomfortable part was the pressure he applied while the baby's head was coming out and that was that. So we talked to NICU many times over the past couple days and come up with a place to resesitate and if he doesn't respond well we would take him off it and not put him through anymore. Because of the cord prolapse. He wasn't getting enough oxygen and his heartrate went down into the 60s after being born and worked on for a few minutes they managed to get it into the 90s not good enough for a baby who is supposed to be at 120 - 150bpm. He is the most precious thing let me tell you! Before taking him I got to see him and was told someone from the NICU team would be down to let us know when we could see him. Meanwhile the plan after we was born was to try and keep Madison with us so they tied up the cord high left the placenta in and we are hoping she will stay there for a few more weeks. After two cerclages he really doesn't think one will do much at this point being there is still risks for infection without it even. After birth my cervix closed up to 2.2cm and I will leave it at that. Back to Dexter. Someone from the team did come down and she said based on our wished she thinks now would be the time to stop all efforts. So we go to see him and touch and talk to him and we made the decision there. He was unresponsive. His heartrate was steady in the 80s and there was no oxygenation even with help. They said they did an x ray on his chest and it was pure white. He wasn't holding his blood pressure and it was so heartbreaking to see but he was so perfect. Tiny nose, the softest feet and the cutest mouth ever. He had my fingers :) so we got pictures taken of him and with him. Took him off the breathing tube and moved him into a private room that way everyone had a chance to see and meet him. A lady came into check his heartrate and it was immediately in the 60s just like when he was born so we knew it was only a matter of time. What made it easier on us was that he looked so peaceful, just as if he were sleeping and happy. About 1~5 to 20 minutes later she checked his heart again and he was gone. Born at 2:48PM August 16th 2011 and died the same day at 5:20PM. I believe he was here and is here to protect us and his little sister because he is the big brother now. We got to bring him down to our room with us and just be with him it was nice. They dressed him and allowed us to keep the clothes. They took a pictures of him with a stuffed puppy and we got to keep that as well. Something that was really sweet was they made a clay heart and put his and and feet impressions in it along with his foot prints on paper. I had no idea they would do all this for us. It being a terrible experience those things made it tolerable.