Wednesday, November 30, 2011


I seriously can't get motivated to pack here. I managed to whip out a bunch of things from our bedroom closet and well it's been sitting there for a few days. I've walked in and out of the bedroom just moving a couple things and I'm just not feeling it. There is WAY too much to get out of this place and I'm such a huge procrastinator and my husband just puts everything off, hes at school  now and I can't ask for his help. Ugh!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

On the road to home we go...

but who knows exactly how long that will take. Madison is a 38 weeker
That TINY thread was thee oh so famous PICC line.
meaning her due date is in exactly 2 weeks from today. Her PICC line was removed yesterday and I was there to witness it. It literally looked like a thread, which was going into a major artery right above her heart. This morning around 6:30AM she was moved to CCN and its so different there. Everything seems a bit more quiet and no so fast paced. There were a few dings here and there but even then it seemed really calm. I went in for 3:00PM to do her usual feeding and they had already fed her. She took 18ccs and the rest down her tube. I was a bit upset because I woke the hubby up from his nap to rush and get down there to feed her and it was already done. The nurse did say to me she was up and looking for a bottle so I guess it was good they are trying to do it on her time more so than on an exact schedule. She is making me a bit nervous lately. When I've held or or my husband holds her after a while her heart rate drops a bit and her O2 levels and she sometime self corrects it and she seems good and it happens again then I get freaked out and I put her back in her bed and shes better. Last night I was holding her and she was acting up and her was dinging for a while and there was a nurse near by and didn't even turn around to see if she was okay. She was dipping into the 50s for her O2 level which should be 91+ and she didn't come over until I was like "Her oxygen is really low," and she was like "Oh shes coming up." By then she was in the 80s still dinging and shot back down to the lower 70s still dinging so I put her back, and I could have sworn her lips looked a bit blue to me. How am I going to know whats happening when we go home? Or if she is home on oxygen and a monitor how will I even enjoy being home with her when I'm just going to stare at her monitor making sure everything is going okay.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Such a strong person or so you think

I lightened the little area so you can see the orb.
I haven't really had time to just sit and make an actual post about the craziness going on in my here starts the rambling. Those who know me we'll say as in can see my face to face probably look at my and say wow with everything she's been through she is so strong and handles things well. Well I wish I could say the same when I'm alone or at work with my headphones on with hours and hours of thinking time. No one knows I wake up on my days off sometimes and just sit her and cry and its not like I can call someone up and cry to them because I'm not that person. However I would like to see a therapist but can't afford it. I think about how there are similarities between Madison and Dexter and how he would look if he were at Madison's point right now. I looked over pictures of Madison I've taken and how one specific one sticked out (its on here) the one where she is bottling and holding the bottle. Then to the left of the photo there is an orb there next to here and the only thing I can think of is that is Dexter there with his sister being the big brother he should be and it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. Going through the baby shower photos from a totally different camera there are orbs in those too, possibly Dexter and other family. Some of you may think I'm crazy but its worth thinking about. Now I'm freaking out about this whole moving issue. There's just so much to do so much to pack what we have room to keep and what we have to get rid of. We have less than 14 are we going to get all this done with me working weekends and Adam going to should during the week in the mornings and working too. I'm really not looking forward to living in a box with the hubs and a baby.

I'm just going to call it, 5lbs

As of 8pm-ish last night Madison weighed in at 4lbs 15.4ozs...she is 5lbs to me. She had her last dose of antibiotics lastnight and is on full feeds 38ccs. She has only been taking 10ccs from the bottle the last day or so, so they are giving her some rest and just putting it down the tube. Her PICC line should be coming out today YAY!!! We got a little tour of the CCN (continuing care nursery) and was showed a possible spot for Madison with the best nurses :) so it looks like just a matter of days before she is moved over there. All we have left or should I say all she has left to do is take her full feeds by bottle and we are on our way home...that and I hope they can get her off the oxygen fully.

Friday, November 25, 2011

It's happen....

We got our eviction notice today. We only have 14 days to leave. Even though we called our apartment's voicemail saying we needed to figure something out and never got a response except for our eviction notice. So we owe October & November's rent at $675 so that's a little over $1300 I absolutely don't have to after we got the letter we again left a message saying they can keep last and security as payment and I guess we will leave it at that and my husband,baby (eventually) and I will stay at my parent's tiny apartment and all three of us will sleep in a 2x4. On the upside Miracle Babies sent us a check for for $350 to help with things for Madison so that is awesome...we just won't have any room for much but still good to get formula and other things. So Madison is up to 31ccs (1 ounce and 1cc) she is 4lbs 11ozs and they are lower her canula flow daily and are still upping her feeds 1cc every 6 hours and her new goal is 37ccs. She has a couple days of meds left and once she is at her goal for feeds her PICC line should be out. She had an eye exam and is starting to show some signs of issues with them so she is going to get another check this week. If there are any issues it is an easy fix they say its pretty much like getting lasiks.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Every 6

After that minor set back we had Madison is back to where she was on her canula a quarter liter 100% oxygen and as of lastnight at 24ccs of formula the goal is 29ccs. They are upping her feeds by 1cc every 6 hours so by tomorrow around 6AM she should be at 29ccs and if that goes well her PICC line should be coming out then she might be moved to CCN. They will watch her feedings and growth after that and see how she does. I got trained on a couple meds of her lastnight and we signed up for a CPR class for her. She is 37 weeks 2 days and at 4lbs 9ozs which means her due date is in 2 weeks and 5 days...I'm really hoping she comes home on or before her due date hopefully off oxygen totally. So far so good.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Definitely an infection

Infection number....yeah I lost count. She was put on two strong antibiotic meds so it seems to be working and lowering her numbers. She was extubated Friday night and was put back on the low flow canula at 1 liter and she is at 26% oxygen the last I've heard. Last time they had her on 100% and was lowering the liters so I'm thinking they may just try and get her to room air (21%) and go from there. They started her feeds again yesterday at 3PM but she back at 5ccs and will hopefuls move more quickly this time. I fed her a 5cc bottle last night and she is still in the big girl bed. So we just really need her feedings to be up there and her gaining weight from them so she can get off her IV (PICC line) and come home. I'm really hoping they will start upping her feedings more quickly since she was doing good at 15ccs. As you know we did have the baby shower for here I will have pictures at some point. It went well but no one that I invited came : / just one friend of mine one family member (besides my parents and my husbands dad and step mom) and the rest were my moms friends...I was kind of dissapointed. Ah well...can't change it.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Never does it end

Well yesterday was the day of big things. She too two bottles 15ccs, got put in a big girl bed and we were asked if we wanted to be interviewed by The March of Dimes and 22 News. Well I woke up to a missed call...Madison was intubated again. And what's today? Her baby let's just say we aren't in a good mood. They don't know what's going on, they are taking blood cultures to see if there is a blood infection checking vitals and all that lovely business. Waiting to see if she will Ned a transfusion since her numbers are low, given that information when the lady came in to do a blood gas she took the tube of blood and was done then it fell and blood was everywhere so she had to take more...kind of pissed me off a bit. She doesn't have any to spare really. And to top it all off the camera crew and everyone was coming in and saying oh do you want to move out of the way so the cameras don't get you because "your not the focal point," jee thanks. I would have been if she hadn't gotten sick and trust me with all this shit I've been through you would have had a damn good story.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

36 weeks (3 months 4 days)

Madison took an 11cc bottle from me yesterday, it took her a bit and with a nipple switch she took all the formula :D the doctors are going to increase her feedings to two times a day now at 1.5ccs, so she should be at 12.5cc now and at 14byt noon. I am hoping she will continue doing the way she is now with feeds even when they get higher and higher. I want to see her get to her goal of 29ccs which is almost an ounce.

I was told once she is taking in enough to gain weight she will be taken off her IV and all the meds she is on can be mixed in her formula. She is on the oxygen she can go home on. I don't think she even needs it because half the time the prongs aren't even in her nose.

Oh I almost forgot! Yesterday she was weighed at 3lbs I'm thinking if she gained 30grams she would be 4lbs today...let's hope! I want to see her in an open crib. So what really are we waiting on? Its pretty much feedings. The doctors are worried about the PICC line because it can be a very susceptible for infection and we want to get that out asap. She has to keep her temp up and not have any respiratory.distress or anything like that. She is 36 weeks today...maybe all of these things will happen in these last 4 weeks I can Onlyhope.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Moving along

Madison ended up having a bit of a set back last week. They were increasing her feedings and she wasn't pooping so they lowered her feedings again and after 3 days of suppositories in a row she had a huge poop and are increasing her feedings again. She is up to 9.5ccs they are still increasing every day at 1.5ccs. She is up to 3lbs 14.8ounces so about 1 ounce or so from an open crib and 4lbs! The time has come for a baby shower so it is going down Thursday. It still doesn't feel real to me but I'm excited. She is still at a quarter liter on the low flow O2 and 100% oxygen and they took her off her inhaler meds and she is doing good with that.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

On a happier note

Sorry for the downer. Yesterdays post was supposed to be about Madison but there was someone else on my mind. Miss Madison is 35 weeks today and will be 3 months old on friday. Not sure if I said this before but Madison is no longer in a heat controlled incubator, still in one but not heat controlled. She is 3lbs 10.4ozs and 15 inches long as of yesterday. She doesn't have a feeding tube in her mouth anymore it is down her nose. The nurse yesterday gave her a feeding by bottle! I got there at the right time because after my husband held her it was medication & feed time so I fed her by bottle and it was awesome! She was all swaddled (like a glow worm) and I was feeding her and all of a sudden she squished her hand up out of the blanket to help mommy :) it was adoreable. So here are some pictures from last week and ones from yesterday. ENJOY!

Monday, November 7, 2011

Is it my fault?

I find myself thinking about Dexter over and over. Wondering if I made the right decision. I feel like if I had kept the cerlcage for atleast a few more days there could have been a totally different outcome...maybe he would still be here. Its been happening a lot lately. Replaying his labor and birth. Now that I think about it maybe I should have spoken up more about what I was feeling...even though visually the nurse says I know what someone who is in labor looks like...but I knew I was. Maybe I should have said something more but what did I know it was my first time going through any of that and even still I feel guilty. I miss my sweet boy and seeing Madison growing and how beautiful she is he should be here too. I should have said something more about the contractions or when something felt off before his cord came out. I know when it was Madison's turn I made sure I let someone know about everything but it shouldn't have been at his expense. Should I have had the NICU do more for him even though he wasn't too responsive? Even though they could only get his heartrate to 80bpm with out chest compressions...should I have had them do everything to keep him alive not knowing if he was in a coma or brain dead do to lack of oxygen...I just didn't know what to do and I'm so hurt.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Every 3 hours

Here is a bit of an update. Madison is doing pretty well she has been pooping atleast once a week on her own and with help. They have increased her feedings to 2ccs every 3 hours again and she seems to be doing a bit better with it this time. Today she is up to 3lbs 10.2ozs! Only 6 ounces away from 4lbs so crazy Haha. Anyway we got out power back yesterday so I have a bit of information for you all :) I finally got to kangaroo on Wednesday and we just swaddled her on Thursday and I held her again and this time the Mr held her for the first time! So sweet! At one day during the week we talked to the doctor saying she liked what she was seeing and Madison sunrises them everyday :) she said their goal is to get her onto the nasal oxygen that she would probably be going home with. She also said if (then) her feeings get to where they should and her pooping on a regular basis she would be ready to be sent to CCN (continuing care nursery) aka on the road to home! She right now is 34 weeks and friday she will be three months old, wow...time does fly. I remember at one point when I was holding her she was hiccuping on me it was so cute!! She makes those baby sounds now...adorable!! I will add updated pictures once I get the computer back up.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

A lot of changes.

Since the last post as you know Madison did poop so I have quite a bit to catch you all up on. I can't really remember which day things happened on because of the storm that came through Saturday night but here I go. The were going another contrast test, this time through her poor bum and she almost pooped on the doctor, ha! So the next day they started feeding her pedialite so she how she handles it and they did that for a couple days and she ended up pooping sometime after that yay! Just yesterday they started feeding her a bit of my frozen breast milk drops, ha but she's feting some and seems to be doing well. OMG I almost forgot! Before all of this even havened she decided hmm let me pull out my breathing tube again so they but her on the cpap.that looks like subs gear. She had that for a few days maybe a week then moved to the high flow canula again and has been on it for almost three days (as far as I know she is still on it now) so Miss Madison is doing fairly well I'm so glad she's eating. BUT we tried to kangaroo yesterday and well it was nice for about 10-15 minutes and her heart rate kept on dipping : / so I don't know what's up with that but it was freaking me out. I was there for about 4 hours while hubby called to go into work (on our anniversary) yesterday. By the way we haven't has power since Saturday night. So I stayed at the hospital with Madison while he was working and since her heart rate dipped the last time while I was there in the beginning the next 3 hours she was fine so maybe she wasn't ready for it that day but she seemed more stable being back in her incubator.