My little 1 lb 4oz 23/3 day micro preemie will be 7 in August. I cannot take it.
She will be going into the 2nd grade this year and time is flying by like nothing.
I turned 30 this past year, Yikes! So many changes in the past few years.
She is still getting services through her school, such as occupational therapy,
physical therapy and speech. She has made TONS of progress and I am so proud.

In the beginning you really have no idea what to expect. I honestly didn't. I didn't know
if I would ever be able to have a conversation with my child, would she understand?
Would she even be able to feed her self, walk, go to school or make friends?

The answer to that is you never will know those answers but with time things change.

I know I always mention I want to keep this blog up every time I post, but I do!
I still want to be there for those going through what I did and those who may have
questions. So PLEASE feel free to reach out, be active on my posts, I will answer!

I'm back!

It's kind of funny...almost a year to the day I last posted.
Madison will be 6 in August! Can any of you believe it!?
She will be starting first grade in a fall and made it through kindergarten no problem!

This time of year always brings joy and sadness. I always think about what life would be like with Dexter, but on a more positive note my surviving twin 23 week and 3 day-er is doing great!
I just joined a Micro Preemies group on facebook and I can only say that I am so blessed with Madison. There has been mention of PTSD after having a micro preemie and even 6 years later I honestly can't watch videos of other micro preemies in the NICU without it bringing me back to that time and giving me anxiety. 

how are you feeling losing one baby and having the other in the NICU?

My answer remains the same. Nothing. I'm still in shock and it doesn't feel real. And since I've had the time to think about I really hadn't had much time to grieve for Dexter being that I was trying to stay positive for Madison and it was really only one day I had to cry my eyes out and everything was then focused on her and trying to carry her a bit longer so she would have a chance. And then it was about her for the remaining 2 days until she came and since then it has been all about her. I mean sure we have to figure out when his funeral will be and get his stone situated but I'm really numb to it all. I don't know if I should be feeling this way. My mom keeps saying you know if you need someone to talk to or want to talk I'm here but I don't have anything to say...she says she doesn't want me to hold it in...but I have no clue where "it" is going I just don't know. I'm not depressed I don't think I'm just going about my day each and every day.

What would have been 23 weeks 2 days is now 22 weeks 5 days for Madison

The funeral arragements were made yesturday aside from the fact we don't have a date because we don't know when I can be up and about. My in laws brought my husband and I a copied photo of Dexter and framed it for us that way we could have it bedside...it really meant a lot. Last night I didn't sleep well at all my mind kept racing. I was thinking about Dexter thinking about how long I can hold on to Madison before she comes. The nurses are in here constantly asking about any changes and I'm afraid to answer because any wrong response would result in us having to give birth to her also and she isn't even 23 weeks until Saturday. So far I'm on constant antibiotics and pills to try and prevent contractions. My blood pressure is checked every few hours along with my temp which has been good. They still know about the blood I'm getting but my bladder feels a bit sore and I don't want to mention that in fear of losing her. I mean I don't feel sick or anything and everything seems to be checking out okay so I will continue on. I'd have to say though lastnight was the worst for dreams. I dreamt about Dexter. They had him in some type of contraption that could "bring him back to life" I saw him twitch and felt myself starting to cry so I woke myself up out of that. Eventually when I fell back asleep I dreamt I was getting tested for something and they told me I had some type of cancer...I didn't like lastnight at all. On another note the doctors want to move me upstairs as long as everything is going well. Its kind of bittersweet seeing as I love all these nurses and everything they've done for me on this floor...maybe they will stop by and see me...I can only hope for that and Madison to stay strong and for my body to also.