Sunday, July 31, 2011

20 weeks 5 days

Its two days until the 21 week mark. Kind of excited then I will only need another 5 weeks to reach my goal. So with that brings my cervical length check tuesday and my OB appointment on wednesday which I really don't know why I bother going to see her it seems the high risk doctor does everything. I was feeling a little extra stressed today, don't really know why. I got up to go pee as I usually do and wiped and noticed few little red dots...not sure where they came from. I'm not too concerned about it seeing as it hasn't turned into anything big but it was kind of odd...

Saturday, July 30, 2011

20 weeks 4 days

I feel like this pregnancy and all these issues are making me a miserable person. And my husband gets most of it. I'm not happy and I feel like I should just be left alone like this is my problem and I should be the only one dealing with it. The fact that nothings change much in last last week was good news but that quickly wore off because where am I still confined to this bedwith no guarantees and now I feel like its only a matter of time now just waiting for something else to happen.

20 weeks 3 days

Well yesterday was 20 weeks 3 days. Not too bad of a day my mom and dad came over and made breakfast for dinner for my husband and I it was sooo good. Baby wise we are all still holding up I still get those times throughout the day where I feel depressed and sorry for myself but I guess it comes with the territory.There are nights I notice when I wake up to pee I just feel like its going to be over right now. Maybe its dreams I've been having but I can't remember what they were I just remember not feeling positive when I wake up...its odd.I know for today they are still here with me.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

20 weeks 2 days

    I had two appointments an ultrasound to check cervical length and a post op with my doctor to talk about whats going on. It took a whole to hours between waiting and being seen. Anyways the ultrasound showed the usual funneling, short cervix, and the bag dipping past the stitch. I was .6 last week now i'm .488 which he considers fine and no change since last week. He did a manual which is never pleasant and says from what he could feel no dilation, good. He can feel the length of my itty bitty cervix then the stitch and doesn't feel the bag of water also good. He brought up a second surgery for a cerclage and felt that being somewhat stable right now he doesnt wan to disturb things. So we decided, that way it won't be too late to see him in 5 days and not 7 to check out the cervix and put the possibility of another cerclage back on the table based on those findings. He said my cervix could hold for a few more weeks even months but again nothing is definite.
      They also found that my blood pressure/pulse was high. They re-took it with me lying on my side and the blood pressure came down but my pulse was still up there so we will see what happens with that. It was semi good news the doctor is still conerned as I am but I am to keep to my strict bedrest and weekly progestrone shots and see where it takes me.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

20 weeks 1 day

It is day ONE past 20 weeks and my Post Op/ cervical check ultrasound is tomorrow. Now in the last 4 weeks I've come to not expect anything "good" cervical wise from these appointments. So I will go in with a mentality of there could be something good BUT don't expect it. If there were to be some good then well thank you very much I will take it. So it is again a bittersweet time of the week. Sweet because we are all still here, bitter because I don't know how much more badnews I can take. I'm scared because I know we will have to figure out what is needed to be done to continue this pregnancy because of how short my cervix is. I just hope I can get all the facts and every option possible not just be sent home to wait because like I said before the cerclage surgery was done I won't leave until I know I've done everything I can for them. Until tomorrow...

20 weeks

I woke up feeling postive, I even said these babies probably wouldn't be here still without the cerclage and I'm probably right. But as the day went on you can't help but think about everything that is stacked against you and how small you are in the equation. I dont know if I should be feeling this way but lastnight the husband sprung on me oh his friend and wife are coming over, and me feeling how I do. Do you think I want to see anyone not being able to shower like I would like and just feeling downright crappy? No I don't let alone have them come here with their two kids saying oh are you ready? You can have them anytime you want. Be prepared to be up all night...and here I am thinking I have a slim chance of keeping my babies how can you (knowing my situation) come into my room with your two kids bragging oh they are such good kids blah blah but thats all good for you. When am I going to catch a break really? I'm trying so hard to get them here safe and all those who don't want kids, call their kids accidents come on! I'm thankful I can see them on ultrasound and hope maybe, just maybe I will get to hold them in my arms and have children. Actually survive and thrive, that is my wish.

Monday, July 25, 2011

19 weeks 6 days

I'll be 20 weeks tomorrow. I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that this could all end really quickly. The baby A's bag of water is dipping past the stitch and I really don't see a good outcome. I'm pretty sure soon it will cause me to dilate and the water will break and could cause me to loose one or both babies which I can't even imagine going through right now. Everone is saying be positive please be positive but I don't think they understand the severity of the situation let alone whats really going on. Its more than just lay down and you'll be fine which I think is what they are thinking.
  My husband's grandmother said to me yesturday I feel so bad you have to lay down it must suck, yes it does but then she goes on to say its bad enough being pregnant now you have to be in bed. No, its bad when you can't get pregnant on your own go through extensive fertility treatments to get pregnant to loose the baby, then go through the treatments again get pregnant think everythings okay when its not, having a shitty cervix, being on bedrest then have my husband loose his job, I can't work and we can't pay our bills...I'm fine with be pregnant.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

19 week 5 days

I really feel like im at my breaking point right now. My parents were here my husbands mom and everyone came over also and I just feel like screaming my head off. Everything is getting to me and I dont know if I can take it. I feel my blood pressure going up and up. They are all like oh I feel so bad for her well I feel bad for me too. But what can I do? just lay around like everyday.

Another thing too is that my husband already a couple times this week went out with his friend for a couple hours then comes back home with him and is with him for like 5 hours then comes back to me and says oh do you need something I say no and he goes back out there by himself and plays games for the rest of the night. I feel so alone and like crying and i just feel like I should be away from everyone. maybe the hospital would be a better place for me that way im nobody's burden. I feel so hopeless and knowing my cervix gets shorter with every week knowing these babies could come anytime that I have no control of this and bedrest doesn't seem to be doing shit I'm so lost and looking for hope but everytime I get some hope its thrown away as soon as the bad news rears its ugly head. help me!

Saturday, July 23, 2011

19 weeks 4 days

Here I am again bed ridden and feeling like poop...I looked up things to try and get help with housing and all that but I have to go to the place and apply but I'm on disability and on strict bedrest so how? I really dont want to give up our own space its the only place I feel comfortable. I dont want to live with my in laws and take their bedroom ugh. We need help bad. W wish we could live off and pay bills with $87 a week. Being on short term disability how am I only getting paid for 24 hours when I was working 40 does that work.

Friday, July 22, 2011

sick of it all

I keep going in and out of this depressed state being so frustrated that I just want all this to end and it isnt just the babies its the fact that now we cant keep our apartment because we dont have enough cash flow, we can't pay our bills and I just feel done with all this. Im so scard of all this. I mean we have had people offer to let us say there but its like oh you can bring your ferret (even though its pretty much my baby) and I dont want to part with him or have anyone else take care of him he gets me through my bed rest days. And my moms place is tiny but she would let us bring him along. I dont know anymore.

19 weeks 3 days

  I had my cervical check yesturday...babies awesome as usual but my cervix has gotten shorter in 9 days. It's now down to .6cm when it was .9cm 9 days earlier. I'm really not sure what more to do as I feel ive been doing everything I can. I've been on strict bedrest for a couple days over 3 weeks now. I dont even care about making it to 26 weeks that would still be good but just get me to 24 weeks and we'll take it from there.
    The bag of waters (baby a) is now going past the stitch which really concerns me. That and the fact that the doctor (fill in) is still telling me we can only wait and see. No talk about admitting me into the hospital to try and make it to viability...all i know is this Thursday at my next check up if its shorter then I'm telling them to admit me no ifs ands or buts I dont want to lose my babies.
   On top of that we found out my unemployed husband will no longer get unemployment which was $200 and something which helped a lot. And now I find out from disability through my job im only getting $87 a week...and that is what we have to live off of for car payment, rent, phone, credit cards...i really dont know what to do. And even more so a couple ladies on the message boards have lost their babies due to incompetent cervix :(

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

19 weeks

Well im officially 19 weeks  as of Tuesday which brings me 2 days until I see the babies and get a cervical length check. I'm so nervous but I hope things are well. I think I might be feeling the babies moving but I don't feel definite on it but I think I can :) so I have 7 weeks until I reach my goal of 26 weeks for these babies to maybe be "okay" if they were born then. ugh so many worries..

Sunday, July 17, 2011

18 weeks 5 days

Well im still here and so are the babies :) I have my cervical check Thursday which im excited/nervous hoping for the best though I need some good news and hopefully the babies are still good and growing strong. Last week a(the boy) was 8ozs and b(the girls) was 7ozs it would be awesome if they each went up an oz or so. Today wasnt so bad. I've been kind of stressed with bills since my husband lost his job and im on disability through my job. But my husbands father and step mom actually paid some of our bills for us which took a load off for right now. Now we can start over and budget more effectively. I'm really thankful for that.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

18 weeks 4 days

Well im still here trucking along. Today wasn't as bad as yesturday no crying and all that. Today is another day I have with my babies now its just 7 weeks 3 days until my goal of 26 weeks I really hope we make it that far and then some. I want so much for these babies to survive with out any disabilities of any kind because right now they are doing great developemental wise...they are so perfect!

Friday, July 15, 2011

I want to be gone, alone.

Today is one of the worst days. It is day 17 on strict bed rest and my mind is just going and going. I know im doing this for my babies but I really don't know how much longer I can hold on mentally. I feel like im on the brink of a break down and I dont know what to do. i'm only 18 weeks 3 days and I have a long way to go for them to even have a chance at survival and everyday scares me.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

My History

We've struggled with infertility for about a year give or take and with the help of IVF we concieved our first baby only to lose it at 6 1/2 weeks because its developement and heart just stopped. we had a D&C January 7th. After two months of waiting we decided to have another go and had 2 frozen embryos transfered in May and they both took. at about 5 weeks and on I had bleeding off and on but the babies looked good through it all. First trimester scan was great. Then I had a bleeding and cramping episode a few days into the 14th week, where  I was told babies are good but you are 1cm dilated. so I had a follow up with the perinatal doctor where I was told length looked great it was 3 1/2cm and that they didn't find any dilation. My 8 day follow with my ob's ultrasound tech showed bad results. My cervix went down to 1.2cm in 8 days with a lot of funneling. So started the questions and what to dos. So I was immediately sent back to the perinatal doctor where they confirmed their results. Now begins my struggle to keep them in.
    At 16 weeks 1 day after being at the hospital overnight we had a cerclage placed and was told to be on strict bedrest for the remainder of the pregnancy with weekly cervical length checks to follow and weekly progesterone shots to try and prevent preterm labor.