Hello Second Trimester

I am 14 weeks 2 days today. On Wednesday the day AFTER Christmas after being at work only an hour I felt terrible enough to leave and get into the doctor's office. I was diagnosed with the damn FLU. Being pregnant there really isn't a whole lot of things you can take. Thankfully I can take Tamiflu and Tylenol for the fever. I am actually feeling a bit better today.

I met with my MFM doctor yesterday because that was the deciding factor or whether or not to go through with the cerclage or keep a close eye on things. After the consult we decided to keep an eye on things. I am really hoping that since it has been so long between pregnancies and there is only a singleton this time my cervix will work in my favor.

It measured 3.5cm last week and 3.4cm this week so no huge differences which was a huge relief.
(I think the measurements from the 12 week scan may have been off) So we decided to do another check in 2 weeks and I can only hope for the same outcome. During this appointment the doctor wanted to check out the pathology report on the twins' placentas and they both tested positive for infection. I am now finding this out 7 years later and who knows how the infection got there. Was it because my cervix started to open or did infection cause the opening? Or was it the first cerclage, or the second? I'll never know but that is a scary thing to think about.

This whole flu thing is making me extra nervous for baby but cervix looked find and baby had a good heart rate of 150, also it looks like it might be a little boy! They will verify the gender in 2 weeks when I go back.

My little 1 lb 4oz 23/3 day micro preemie will be 7 in August. I cannot take it.
She will be going into the 2nd grade this year and time is flying by like nothing.
I turned 30 this past year, Yikes! So many changes in the past few years.
She is still getting services through her school, such as occupational therapy,
physical therapy and speech. She has made TONS of progress and I am so proud.

In the beginning you really have no idea what to expect. I honestly didn't. I didn't know
if I would ever be able to have a conversation with my child, would she understand?
Would she even be able to feed her self, walk, go to school or make friends?

The answer to that is you never will know those answers but with time things change.

I know I always mention I want to keep this blog up every time I post, but I do!
I still want to be there for those going through what I did and those who may have
questions. So PLEASE feel free to reach out, be active on my posts, I will answer!

I'm back!

It's kind of funny...almost a year to the day I last posted.
Madison will be 6 in August! Can any of you believe it!?
She will be starting first grade in a fall and made it through kindergarten no problem!

This time of year always brings joy and sadness. I always think about what life would be like with Dexter, but on a more positive note my surviving twin 23 week and 3 day-er is doing great!
I just joined a Micro Preemies group on facebook and I can only say that I am so blessed with Madison. There has been mention of PTSD after having a micro preemie and even 6 years later I honestly can't watch videos of other micro preemies in the NICU without it bringing me back to that time and giving me anxiety. 

Never did a timeline for the twin pregnancy...

So I feel like I should dedicate a whole post to the twins. When I found out I was pregnant and everything I went through up until the point of delivery, so I can give you all some perspective. So the twin pregnancy happened with our frozen embryos from our first IVF attempt. There will be a lot of information so enjoy! This is a compiled list of entries on a forum I was on before, during and after being pregnant from the FET cycle.

01.23.2011
IVF success and failure
Well I am now 16 days past my D&C after learning my baby died and stopped growing around 7 weeks. I'm waiting to start my FET cycle but it seems like it's too far away. I have to go in for bloodwork Friday to make sure HCG is going down as it should. My 1 week check was down to 890 so I'm hoping this 2 week check will be in the single digits.

01.30.2011
I was 3 weeks past D&C friday and HCG went down from 890 2 weeks ago to 15 so I guess they are considering this my baseline. So I started Birth control pills friday and I was told to take them a minimum of two weeks, then stop them and I should get a period. When that happends I'm supposed to call the office. So after that I have to have a sonogram, followed by another period and I'm hoping to transfer 2 blasts after all is said and done.

02.19.2011
My Update
Here is my update. I started my first period since the D&C Jan 7th thanks to bc pills. It is now over so I have my sonohysto scheduled for Feb 28th and if everything is good that day I will get off the bcps and start the patches March 2nd.

03.05.20011
I believe I will be starting patches and baby asprin tomorrow which would be day one for me so I am estimating the 25th would be transfer day.

03.22.2011
So my ultrasound and bw is tomorrow. They are going to check my lining and estrogen and all that. I'm hoping its nice and cushioney in there :P if all goes well transfer will be Monday!

Continuation after I got the call...
So all is a go for monday! They told me my lining was triple layer or whatever its called I don't know the mm of it but they told me its good. My E2 is 481 and P4 is 1.2. So I'm downgrading back to two patches and starting the prometrium tonight. The count down begins. Now I'm hoping the embies make the thaw.

03.27.2011
I'm soooo ready! Counting down the hours haha the only thing is, is I don't have a time to go in I guess they will call me in the morning. They said it should happen around 11ish boooo what a time frame. I will be sleeping next to the phone Sunday night haha

03.28.2011
To all those wondering the tranfer went great! I got a photo of the babies being transfered and they said the thaw was beautiful so April 6th is beta day. Now I'm heading home just got done eating now its nap time Side Note: I remember going out for pancakes.

03.29.2011
So I had my transfer Monday around 11:45am so I guess you can say I'm technically 5 and a halfish days into my 2WW. We transfered 2 beautiful blastocycsts and are hoping for the best when we go in for the beta April 6th.

03.31.2011
So I'm 3dp5dt and all of a sudden today I'm having some odd feeling I never felt until today. I can't really describe what it is maybe poor circulation. Could it be my two blasts...it would probably be too early for that but its something odd I've noticed. Can anyone relate?

03.31.2011
I'm still hanging in there thinking about poas just to "check" haha but I only have 2 hpts and won't be buying anymore so I have to choose the days wisely.

04.01.2011
Well I broke down an poas lastnight it was about 3.5dp5dt and I got a BFN which I knew would happen. I don't really feel down about it because I know its way early. So I will test again Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday and hope out of those days there will be a positive!

04.02.2011
So I tested again today at 7:30am, 11:45am ish would be 5dp5dtr so not quite yet and I got the faintest positive! So I will continue to poas until Tuesday and have official beta Wednesday. I sure hope everything goes fine this time around I just spent 5 minutes crying and the hubby is still sleeping. I'm so nervous! Should I move up beta date...?

04.03.2011
So I peed on the ever so mighty frer at around 9:10am and got a darker line! 3 days till beta!

04.06.2011
Official Beta Day! All preggo tests are positive now I'm hoping for a nice high strong number...thinking it may be twins
Continuation...
So I got the call and my number is 210...pretty good. I got back Friday for a repeat beta. I think I want one Monday and Wednesday also. I want to be on top of things this time because of what happened last time.

04.08.2011
2nd beta came back at 513 yay! She said it more then doubled . She said no more need to check blood. So my first ultrasound is scheduled for April 25 I will be 6 weeks 5 days so I better see some babies and heartbeats then! So far away though...

HPT Negative to Positive
3dp5dt: negative
4.5dp5dt: extremely faint positive
5dp5dt: faint positive
7dp5dt: darker faint positive
8dp5dt: very dark positive
9dp5dt: Beta #1 210
11dp5dtr: Beta #2 513

04.09.2011
I started PIO (Progesterone In Oil) shots today. After switching from the suppositories and crinone.

04.14.2011
I am FREAKING OUT. I woke up at 8am and peed had extremely light pink spotting. Half hour later it was dark red and I had cramping now it seems to be stopping but its still sitting in my mind. Last time there was tons of blood and clots...I didn't miscarry then but 5 days after that the baby stopped growing.

04.17.2011
The repeat beta was actually Friday but I decided not to go since the blood didn't get any worse. So I'm holding out until the 25th for the first ultrasound...so happy its pretty much a week away now not over 3 weeks when I started counting down. I think I may ask for bloodwork then since I have no clue what my P4 levels are.

04.18.2011
So I think I had my first dose of morning sickness today...woke me up out of a sound sleep felt really nausous but thankfully the cold made it go away.

04.21.2011 
So I haven't checked the board in a few so I will update you all. I have constant morning sickness all day no vomiting but when ever I'm hungry its back so I make sure I eat and all is well. I had another blood episode so I got checked out last night at a womens and infant trauma place. We did a quick ultrasound the lady didn't have any certifications so it wasn't as clear as I liked but there were two sacs with two babies and two flickering hearts. I just turned 6 weeks yesturday so it was a total suprize to see all this. They said it may have been from implantation so I'm going to go with it. My first realy ultrasound is still Monday so I will get to see the twins clearer and I'm hoping all is still well and that I will get my pictures the 6 week HCG was 40160 and P4 18.3

04.25.2011
I have good news!
There are officially two babies in there. One is measuring a bit smaller at 6 weeks 3 days and the heart is at 120, second baby is right on target at 6 weeks 5 days with a 128 heartbeat. Next appt. At 8 weeks 1 day May 5th then I'm off to OB...makes me nervous. I just hope everything continues to progress nicely! EDD is Dec. 13.
Update...
A few hours after the vaginal ultrasound I got some bleeding :/ still there now...I'm thinking my cervix got really irritated from it because there was a lot of pressure during the ultrasound.

05.15.2011
Hey hey! I haven't been around much...I can't believe I'm pushing it to the 10 week mark already. I had an u/s at 9 weeks and baby A looks like a small baby already it even twiched it was cute! Baby B is still a couple days behind but both are still hanging on I have my first trimester scan May 31st can't wait!

05.23.2011
I'm not-so-patiently awaiting the 31st for the NT scan just to see if my babies okay...I hope they'll let me hear the heartbeats. I will be 11weeks tomorrow...so crazy to even think about it. Has any of this ever happen to any of you? If I sneeze or cough too much it makes me want to vomit...not so pretty lol

05.31.2011
Scan went well. They both were all bouncing around heartbeats were good. Its crazy to think I'm at 12 weeks right now. I actually told everyone today.

06.03.2011
 I just tried my doppler for an hour and think we got one baby at 147-150bpm.

06.16.2011
Started the second trimester on Tuesday...I got about 4 weeks until I see my babies and find out the sexes. 2 weeks until I have a cervical length check...just to be on the safe side...hoping I could say "can I get a peek at the babies while your there"? 

07.02.2011
Since having a bleeding and cramping episode the 18th we saw the Peri the 20th and length looked great. 8 days later we went to regular OB office for length check and to my suprise my cervix was down to 1 cm with funneling give or take, after it being 3 1/2 cm 8 days earlier. So with that came some options. 1. Bedrest & Progesterone 2. Bedrest & Cerclage (highly unrecommended by Dr. Because there wasn't enoug evidence proving it would work and with the risks) 3. Induce labor to avoid having the babies early Of course 3 was totally out of the question and 1 didn't seem like enough to me. So I chose 1 and 2. I was admitted to the hospital same day monitored all night and had surgery yesturday. According to the Dr. Surgery went well and now we wait. I have my follow up Tuesday and am hoping babies still look good and no complications should arise. In the midst of all this we found out we have a little boy and girl.

07.12.2011
I had my level II ultrasound. On the positive note babies looked great. The girl is 7oz and the boy is 8oz (18 weeks today) on a not so positive note my cervix is down to .9cm now from being 1.2cm at 16 weeks. Cerclage is still in place there is still terrible funneling so its a wait and see kind of deal now and I'm scared.

07.21.2011
Had another check up today babies are good moving all around... but now cervix is down its lower and lower every week and now baby a's water bag is past the stitch. I don't know what more to do....I'm in bed all day I shower once a week I'm only out of the house for dr. appointments. Ugh

08.05.2011
Well I have an update. Wednesday I went in for surgery for a second cerclage after finding my cervix got down to .3mm and baby A's bag of water was slipping past the first stitch. So its 5 days until my follow up and I hope I get some good news this time. Its crazy. Before the surgery when I saw him Tuesday he didn't want to do another surgery and was like well I'm not going to do anymore ultrasounds since you have pretty much no cervix and to wait and see so I was like I think we need to do the surgery or I could pretty much lose the babies at any time. So I'm sure I will have more of an idea when I see the doctor Wednesday.

08.11.2011
At the appointment today they found a small pocket of fluid and his bladder was full so he is getting some fluid. They still have reason to believe his water has broken and was pushing to remove my cerclage but I decided I wanted to keep it atleast another week. So the risk of infection is high and I was admitted to the hospital and will probably be here the remainder of the pregnancy. The plus part of this is my room is private its nice and my husband can stay.

Now this is where my blog started going into more detail. I kind of put this together to remind myself of everything that's happened a long the way. With everything there are things I have forgotten I realized after going through all these posts.

It was finally spoken aloud.

The hubby and I are going through some issues. Hes finally come clean about all the lying and other things I really don't feel like mentioning. We are going to try counseling. That really isn't what this post is supposed to be about but that is what lead to the topic of this post. Our twins, or what was supposed to be.

Initially our are miscarriage (should I even call it that? Since I got a D & C ? on paper it was called something abortion...nice isn't it?) just after 6 weeks we met up with the Reproductive Endocrinologist about 3 months later to decide our game plan. We decided on a FET cycle (our frozen embryos left over from IVF) and again we got that same paper to choose how many we wanted transferred back. Just like when we did IVF we were warned for being under 35 years of age 1 embryo is recommended to avoid a higher multiple percentage, so it was our first time going through this and well we sided with the doctor. During the FET we strongly agreed on transferring two embryos back no questions asked. I remember a few days before the transfer was to happen a someone from the lab called and said "Are you sure you want to have two embryos transferred?" I replied "Yes," and that was the end of the phone call.

We went into it hoping for just one to make it. That's what we said aloud to each other...we've never talked about that with each other before until a few days ago when all shit hit the fan. We figured, well one of them will not even grow or just not even attach early on in the pregnancy. Maybe we will just see one heartbeat and that'd be great. I'm sure if that wouldn't of really happened I'd be hurt, but that was our mindset then. We never expected for them to both we alive and well until the end, that's what hurts the most. We didn't expect to meet this child EVER. When they both stayed we were expecting to take them both home and not to have to say goodbye. We didn't expect this early delivery but we were hoping both would at least be in the NICU for a while not leave us so abruptly.

I miss you baby boy.

Your Reason

I realize many of you have stumbled upon my little blog here maybe through google searching for experiences with twin pregnancies and some of you are having cervical issues and are looking for a positive outcome, and there is those of you who unfortunately have the pleasure of getting to know the nicu. I just want to say don't let my stories scare you. There is still hope regardless of your situation. My cervix failed me but in the end I had a choice and the choice that changed things and put them in a direction I'd rather have not gone was removing the cerclage that supposedly made Dexter's fluid extremely low. I say supposedly because when we thought it was time to deliver him they broke my water in the process and let me tell you there was a lot. That was the second mistake I didn't know what was happening and they broke my water which I would have decided against. My advice to you if you are in the same situation where they doctors are drilling you about infection because a cerclage may have ruptured your water STAY in the hospital and let them monitor you. Do NOT remove the cerclage unless they have positive evidence you have an infection...it can save your child's life trust me if I could go back it would have stayed put. I also HIGHLY advise any pregnant women whether or not their is history of it in the family or not PLEASE get your cervix checked at EVERY appointment every ultrasound it is very important you have a long and closed cervix to keep a healthy and uneventful pregnancy. If you happen to be one of those unlucky few who have to be put on bedrest. Don't be angry its in your child's best interest and yes it can get boring and you can become really frustrated and full of mixed emotions (read my first few posts) but it's not forever it doesn't last. I remember being admitted to the hospital at 22 weeks I was so not happy and wanting to go home and after a week it got easier and I was hoping I'd be there for much longer than I was but it was cut short and my life changed so quickly. You don't prepare because you can't...I never even thought to have someone bring me my camera...I have no others photos of my son except for the ones on my cellphone. If you are admitted to the hospital go as if its your delivery day. You don't want to miss out on the moments good or bad because regret is a bitch to live with, it eats at you. So this brings me to the nicu-ers. I had a long, hard NICU stay. I was told so many times before Madison was born that we had less than 1% of a survival rate for babies at 23 weeks and that's whith retardation, handicaps and all. As scary as that was to hear we kept hope. I distanced myself from Madison in the beginning. She was so small and frail and I didn't know how to act. I couldn't say "I love you," to her because that meant I would open myself up to be hurt. To hurt even more than I already was when Dexter passed just 3 days earlier. It took me a while to come around. I was fighting with myself I was depressed I was hurt I just lost my child and now I was going to lose her I was numb. She was stable and fighting but everyday there was something different. And I remember the nurse saying to me "get your hand in there and touch her,she needs you," and I replied "I'm scared." From that day forward I knew she did need me she needed to know I was there no matter what and that I will fight along side her, and I did I was right there through the good and the bad and the bad again. The NICU really puts a toll on you mentally and you can never be happy for a full 24 hours or tell anyone things are good because it will get shoved right back in your face and turn to just the opposite. So I guess what I'm trying to say it BE there, always. Love even though its tough because for that moment they are with you and need every bit of hope and confidence you have because they don't know what's going just that they are there and you should be too.

One year ago today..

Faint second line but its there. April 2nd 2011

One year ago today I got the fainest positive on the second pregnancy test I took. First one being negative. It reassured me that the FET transfer indeed worked (for a second time) and that I was pregnant with the twins. Well it didn't say "this is a twin pregnancy," but we transferred two embryos and I knew they both took and I was for sure pregnant! It was the happiest moment but scariest moment. After knowing for sure I came up with anything that could possibly go wrong. I googled everything...and almost everything I thought of ended up happening. I ended up going to get checked soon after finding out I was probably around 5 weeks because of bleeding and I saw those two strong heartbeats so I knew they we both good and will survive at that point. Or first baby prior to the twins didn't have much of a heartbeat. I thought about bleeding, miscarriage threat being told at 14 weeks I may be 1cm dilated and that once I'm past 12 weeks the threat goes down...well hello I was past 12 weeks. I thought about my mom and how her cervix gave out on her two pregnancies prior to my birth I was the only survivor. I was about 28 weeks give or take born at 1lb 11 1/2ozs. Knowing that I made sure my OB knew I wanted to be checked right away but she didn't want to do it until I reachhed 15 weeks because thats when there would be a change and when I came to get checked that change was a HUGE one. I remember the ultrasound tech checking me and she was very quiet and asked me what I was here for and I said to get a cervical length check and she was quiet again. I remember saying "Is there something wrong? You scaring me." and she told me "you should be scared, you have barely any length left." And I remember balling my eyes out because I told him about this way early on and he just didn't understand." You all know the rest of the story so I won't repeat myself but this just brings back all those memories.
  I think I'm getting the start of my period and I kind of hoped it didn't start. I would LOVE to be pregnant again. But this is probably a good sign. I had what I thought was a period last month and this (whatever it is) has started again around the same time so maybe I'm ovulating...I don't know. For those of you who are like umm you don't know if its a period!? I never got a period before pregnancy unless it was medically induced so maybe my body is catching on and this Metformin is helping with my PCOS...

On to day 6 of being in the outside world

We went to go see Madison today I didn't go see Madison for the second times yesterday because I think I may have been out too much and was in a lot of pain, but anyways we saw her today and she has the usual ups and downs of oxygen. I dropped of milk they will freeze for her until she can eat it. She completed her medication for the heart murmur thing and she had her echocardiogram so we will have to call for the results. The nurse did say the doctor listened to her heart and still thinks he can hear the large murmur. So hopefully the meds will eventually take effect so she doesn't have to go through surgery.

with every end comes a new beginning

Well I was told today they wanted to order an ultrasound to take a look at my cervix which is awesome yet terrifying. I've been waiting for that since about 9am. In about 38 minutes it will be a whole 48 hours since Dexter's birth. We put in his birth certificate info and I'm waiting for the lady to get back so we can sign it. We had a little scare last night. I started contracting and I was having more pressure when standing so I had an exam and was told I was 5cm dilated and if I wanted a c section it would be soon. I was then exmained again and was told I was 3cm and they didn't feel bulging membranes so we made it through the night. The next day August 19th was fairly quiet contractions here and there. Pain and contractions got noticeably closer together and stronger around 6:00PM ish so I got examined manually and with an abdominal ultrasound which showed I was about 7cm dilated Madison was breech and her legs and hips were almost on their way out so again if I wanted a c section it was now. And I agreed so a flood of nurses, doctors, and other people came in asking a bunch of questions to get things moving along. I was told not to move one bit because once she is near the vagina there would be no point in doing a c section. So I was preped and ready to go. Wheeled in given the spinal all set up and hubby came in. Everything was so quick one difference this time around was when she came out (I couldn't see her) she was moving all around, and opening her mouth. The other good things were she ended up getting the full dose of the steroid shots and the magnesium sulfate. Her heart rate at birth came down to 90bpm and immediately stabilized her to 120s +. Little Madison Jade was born at 7:12PM August 19th 2011 just 3 days after her brother. And it seems her big brother is looking out for her.

22 weeks 4 days

Well I supposed I'm well overdue for an update. Well from my last post as you may or mayn't know it was to check on Dexter to see if there were anymore fluid. They did find a bit of fluid and his bladder was full so he was still producing urine which is good. Both babies had good heartbeats in the 150s. After that the fill in doctor came in to discuss options especially the one I "picked" with my doctor before leaving which was to remove the cerclage and wait.So I told him I didn't feel comfortable removing it right then so he said he wanted me to be admitted to the hospital to be watched for infection and put on a couple rounds of antibiotics (which would have happened if I. Removed the cerclage anyway). So I say okay but I will be back later after I eat pack a bag and wait for the husband. We end up coming back to the hospital and was admitted around 9pm. Not much happened they checked heartbeats started an IV and antibiotics and that was that.

Fastforward to yesterday still being monitored on IV, antibiotics all that and we get to talking to the doctor again and it kind of sheds new light so the original decision. We don't know what kind of infection I could get with membranes being "possibly" ruptured and a stitch in place. There is a possibility of maternal death which would for sure lead to fetal death. He said there is nothing that can be done for the babies but there is something to lower your risk which would be to remove the stitch. So we sat and thought and decided he was right and decided to go through with it. Before even removing it he made sure we talked to the NICU doctors about what our plans would be if intact he or both babies were born in the next few days and at 22 weeks there really isn't much of a chance. It sounds so heartless but it had to be asked. If we lost Dexter would Madison be able to be saved and he said it depends on the outcome. We talked about if he were born would efforts be made to save him and they said usually at that gestational age we let the parents, or family members hold the baby until he/she passes.
That was really hard for my husband and I to take but it could be reality. We talked about what happens after and funeral arrangements if it were to come to that and it was just so much.

So the plan is with the NICU team is if he is born we want them there, and if it were possible we would like to save Madison. So after that was said and done my stitch was removed and I automatically dilated to 1cm and membranes could be seen. Which brings me to today still in the hospital on bed rest. I had some type of cramping espisode on and off earlier today but it has seemed to stop. I don't know where I am today dilation wise and they won't check unless they really need to. I am hoping to stay quiet and nothing changing for a few weeks or more. Well that is my amazingly long update until tomorrow. Oh and one more thing at the ultrasound Dexter was 1lb 4 oz and Madison was 1lb.

22 weeks 1 day

So as you may have guessed by the last of post yesterday I didn't have the appointment I hoped for. I went in excited only to leave a train wreck. Cervical wise I'm up .3mm which is good but now that is the last of my worries. They were looking ever the babies everything good heartbeats movement until it came to fluid check and Dexter. He has very low fluid and to top it off they can't prove I've broken my water not through the strip test or under microscope. They wanted to inject a blue dye into Dexter's amniotic sac and have me wear a tampon to se of I am leaking fluid but because how he is positioned...its impossible. So yesterday I made the choice of waiting a day go back today check on fluids and if it hasn't gotten any better to remove my stitches...but since I've had the time to think about it I don't want that. He also put on the table to induce....um no. Right now I have no sign of infection but the doctor wants to treat it as though I did break my water and let nature take its course but for me that means have an inviable or two. To top it all off my doctor is going to be away so we made the "plan" yesterday and I don't know if I can go through with it. If he is still alive I want to try and see if I could take some antibiotics for a week then come back get checked over and get the steroid shots at around 23 weeks 2 days....its close enough to 24 anyway. I really am just scatter brained and I have no clue what to do. I mean I guess there "could" be a bright side of look there is a decent amount of fluid now, see you next week, but you can bet I'm not holding my breath. Appointment @ 2:30...let's see what my future will hold.

21 weeks 6 days / 22 weeks

I'm feeling positive about this appointment Wednesday. I'm hoping to be able to breathe a sigh of relief if that means me still being on strict bedrest so be it. I hate not knowing what's going on. Yesterday at my appointment with the cardiologist went okay I guess. They did the EKG and obviously my heartrate was higher than normal...they never did say what it was but my husband said it was 140, but the doctor said he doesn't hear anything abnormal the rate is just high so I had to get some blood work to check my thyroid and see if in anemic I think there was another test but I don't remember. I was also scheduled for an echocardiogram I think is what its called. Its pretty much an ultrasound of my heart. Anyways I see my babies tomorrow!

21 weeks 5 days

Tomorrow is my heart appointment, supposed to be getting an EKG hoping nothing is irregular. Wednesday is my post op / cervical length follow up. The nurse said when making the apointment he would want a quick ultrasound which is good for me I will get some cervical numbers and hopefully both babies are doing good especially Dexter since he had to deal with all the distrubance beig that he was right there. I'm feeling good no pain in the area and the spotting ad all has completely stopped. I will be 22 weeks tomorrow which means 2 weeks until I can get the steroid shots for lung development, and a total of 4 weeks to reach my first goal of 26 weeks. I've been thinking about babyshower stuff now but in the back of my mind I feel like I shouldn't be thinking about it at all...I don't know if I'm being selfish or realistic I mean nothing is certain and I would hate to have a ton of baby stuff with no babies. Then I was thinking well if we made it to 2 weeks then have a shower but what if they come right after I won't have anything for them BUT the reality is if they do make it to 28 or maybe a week after...they will most definitely be in the NICU for sometime so maybe after they are born. I feel so guilty not feeling excited about them or getting too attached because I don't want to loose them...ugh.

21 weeks 4 days

I'm hoping I'm "that" case where pretty much against all odds this procedure worked successfully. Twins, incompetent cervix, barely any cervix and two surgeries later it was a success. I want my doctor to even be surprise. I want to be the one that had all this done and be an advocate for future women going through the same thing, I want to say there is a chance and to not give up. I would love to be able to tell a story like that. Bring it on Wednesday I want my good news :)

21 weeks 1 day

Today started off with a call from my high risks doctor's nurse at around 8:45AM saying after thinkinag it over my doctor decided to go through with the surgery as I was to go to the surgical center when possible so I got ready and that's what I did. I got there a little after 9:0AM and registered. Last nights I was thinking about all the what ifs and everything that could be positive about this surgery again. It was so quick this morning I couldn't really process it and maybe that was a good thing. I went in got all situated and went in for surgery around 11:00AM and was out at around 12:30PM. The surgery felt like it took a while and it did he seemed confident in his work. Its funny before surgery he came in and said how he was going over everything in his had and actually found an article from this year where 21 weekers in my situation with drooping membranes either decided on doing another cerclage or not. Those that did not didn't make it past 22 weeks and those the chose another cerclage made it to 27 weeks so in a way that kind of made the surgery more favorable to him which made me happy. He also said he did talk to two colleagues. Of his about doing the surgery and one said it was completely out of the question while the other said he would go ahead and try it. Now I'm just hoping this one works as it should and there are no complications. He did say after the final exam before leaving the OR that he felt my cervix was long and closed...I kinda want to know what this "long" means, as I went into the or with .3mm of cervix left... Well I'm going to take it easy and give the office a call tomorrow to schedule a follow up although even after it I'm not going to believe a word until there is an ultrasound that gives me a measurement. I also forgot to mention I saw this beautiful monarch butterfly before going into the surgical center this morning and it flew right in front of us I'd like to think that was our baby we lost at 6 weeks watching over us and his/her brother and sister...it put a smile on my face.

21 weeks

Five days ago I had my cervical length follow up and was told I was .5mm but it was more like 4.88mm. Today he said not much of a change either this week (in 5 days) but the shortest measurement was around .3mm so like I said before I would bring up the topic of having a second cerclage placed, which I did. Like before he was against it like the first one but did tell me this time when he did the manual exam he could feel the bag of water past the stitch now. So I feel like its only a matter of time now.

 I was upfront and plain out asked him if I didn't have this cerclage placed do you think I'd still be here right now and he said no that he though the membranes would have ruptured by now which I agreed with him about. So far this stitch has given me 5 weeks and I'm hoping with another stitch I could get another 5+ weeks if there are no complications. A second stitch is the only thing I feel would by more time since the bag of water is going past this one, I feel like there isn't anymore time to waste. This time he would use a balloon to life the bag of water up and stitch around the cervix and tool that holds the balloon then deflate it. I just need to be shown which direction to take I want to know this is the right one.

So I think I will leave it up to the doctor this time he said he will talk over my case with the other doctors tomorrow and that he would get back to me tomorrow and let me know if I will be going in for surgery. If he is still against it I will still feel the need to push it so maybe using his opinion won't work...I don't know. I don't want to have these babies too early my goal is to get to 26 weeks and maybe even past that. I saw them on ultrasound today and they were beautiful.

20 weeks 5 days

Its two days until the 21 week mark. Kind of excited then I will only need another 5 weeks to reach my goal. So with that brings my cervical length check tuesday and my OB appointment on wednesday which I really don't know why I bother going to see her it seems the high risk doctor does everything. I was feeling a little extra stressed today, don't really know why. I got up to go pee as I usually do and wiped and noticed few little red dots...not sure where they came from. I'm not too concerned about it seeing as it hasn't turned into anything big but it was kind of odd...

20 weeks 4 days

I feel like this pregnancy and all these issues are making me a miserable person. And my husband gets most of it. I'm not happy and I feel like I should just be left alone like this is my problem and I should be the only one dealing with it. The fact that nothings change much in last last week was good news but that quickly wore off because where am I still confined to this bedwith no guarantees and now I feel like its only a matter of time now just waiting for something else to happen.

20 weeks 2 days

    I had two appointments an ultrasound to check cervical length and a post op with my doctor to talk about whats going on. It took a whole to hours between waiting and being seen. Anyways the ultrasound showed the usual funneling, short cervix, and the bag dipping past the stitch. I was .6 last week now i'm .488 which he considers fine and no change since last week. He did a manual which is never pleasant and says from what he could feel no dilation, good. He can feel the length of my itty bitty cervix then the stitch and doesn't feel the bag of water also good. He brought up a second surgery for a cerclage and felt that being somewhat stable right now he doesnt wan to disturb things. So we decided, that way it won't be too late to see him in 5 days and not 7 to check out the cervix and put the possibility of another cerclage back on the table based on those findings. He said my cervix could hold for a few more weeks even months but again nothing is definite.
      They also found that my blood pressure/pulse was high. They re-took it with me lying on my side and the blood pressure came down but my pulse was still up there so we will see what happens with that. It was semi good news the doctor is still conerned as I am but I am to keep to my strict bedrest and weekly progestrone shots and see where it takes me.

20 weeks 1 day

It is day ONE past 20 weeks and my Post Op/ cervical check ultrasound is tomorrow. Now in the last 4 weeks I've come to not expect anything "good" cervical wise from these appointments. So I will go in with a mentality of there could be something good BUT don't expect it. If there were to be some good then well thank you very much I will take it. So it is again a bittersweet time of the week. Sweet because we are all still here, bitter because I don't know how much more badnews I can take. I'm scared because I know we will have to figure out what is needed to be done to continue this pregnancy because of how short my cervix is. I just hope I can get all the facts and every option possible not just be sent home to wait because like I said before the cerclage surgery was done I won't leave until I know I've done everything I can for them. Until tomorrow...