11 weeks since my last scare (LONG POST)

The night of January 29th I had some cramping but I ended up sleeping it off. Yesterday, the 30th I had cramping off and on all day. I put an email in that morning to be seen (cervical check) and they couldn't fit me in until 3:00PM.

I worked all day and made it to my appointment. Baby looked great but my cervix measured just about a cm less at 2.8cm when it was 3.7cm just 6 days earlier at my anatomy scan. I was instructed to begin vaginal progesterone suppositories, and to go over to L&D to be monitored. I told them I would be back for the monitoring.

I came back about 6:30PM, still cramping off and on. My OB ended up being the first doctor I saw (whom I still am not very fond of). She gave me a speculum exam and stated my cervix looked long and closed and that it was "very posterior" which I am told is great. Next came the even more painful part...the manual exam. She felt around and pressed so hard because it was hard to reach my cervix (also a good thing I hear). She tried sticking her finger in my cervix and stated I was probably about a centimeter to a centimeter and a half dilated.

I asked about being monitored for my cramping and she said it isn't something they do because it is so early. That they don't usually intervene until 22 weeks at the earliest. While I am aware of this, I was only being asked to be monitored and if in fact I was contracting or that is something they are picking up it could be something they could surely stop. 

She said she would consult with my MFM doctor on what he would like to do regarding a possible rescue cerclage and that in the meantime she would have one of the senior residents perform a second exam to see if they felt the same thing. The resident said she agreed about my cervix being really high/very posterior and difficult to get to. She also stated being that the exam was so difficult to perform was a good thing. (Oh so painful though) she said that I might be maybe a half a centimeter dilated. 

The resident asked if I was cramping while I was here and I said I was and I don't know why no one is looking into it or monitoring it. She said it might not be picked up because I'm not that far along but we tried it, and I appreciated the effort rather than doing nothing. 

The Toco didn't pick up anything and my MFM doctor decided against a cerclage because if I am in fact cramping it wouldn't be a good idea to place it then, which I agree with. So I have my regular scheduled OB appointment on Friday. (I really need to switch my OB) and then my follow up scan on Wednesday which I plan to consult with the doctor at that point and see what the new game plan is.

I've heard things about the pessary so maybe that would be an option as well to avoid the surgical route...Well it is Thursday morning hello 19 weeks.

AT THE 12 WEEK MARK

Because I am SUPER paranoid I requested a cervix length check, could you blame me?
That was yesterday at 12 weeks, happy 12 weeks to me! From past ultrasounds at 7 weeks and change, my cervix measused at 4cm for the most part. I know at 12 weeks the baby weighs pretty much nothing and no real change would happen until about 14 weeks on, but even then I wanted some reassurance.

They started the ultrasound abdominally, after a while into that and looking at the baby I asked (since I know abdominally isn't as accurate) for a trans vaginal check and I was quite suprised. There was a whole cm difference between the two. Abdominally I was measuring 5.4cm and trans vaginally I was measuring 6.4cm. 6.4cm!? How the hell? That is such a HIGH measurement. Last time I never even heard a number above 3.5cm. Needless to say I can relax right now.

I literally had the most awesome ultrasound tech. I did not expect all the ultrasound photos or to even see much of the baby, only to check the cervix. She took a bunch of photos and even let me watch baby bounce around for a while, it was too sweet.

I have my MFM appointment next Wednesday, Dec. 19th and I am hoping they will do their own exam and we'll come up with a game plan from there. I LOVE my preemie to death but I AM NOT TEAM PREEMIE this time around.

21 weeks 5 days

Tomorrow is my heart appointment, supposed to be getting an EKG hoping nothing is irregular. Wednesday is my post op / cervical length follow up. The nurse said when making the apointment he would want a quick ultrasound which is good for me I will get some cervical numbers and hopefully both babies are doing good especially Dexter since he had to deal with all the distrubance beig that he was right there. I'm feeling good no pain in the area and the spotting ad all has completely stopped. I will be 22 weeks tomorrow which means 2 weeks until I can get the steroid shots for lung development, and a total of 4 weeks to reach my first goal of 26 weeks. I've been thinking about babyshower stuff now but in the back of my mind I feel like I shouldn't be thinking about it at all...I don't know if I'm being selfish or realistic I mean nothing is certain and I would hate to have a ton of baby stuff with no babies. Then I was thinking well if we made it to 2 weeks then have a shower but what if they come right after I won't have anything for them BUT the reality is if they do make it to 28 or maybe a week after...they will most definitely be in the NICU for sometime so maybe after they are born. I feel so guilty not feeling excited about them or getting too attached because I don't want to loose them...ugh.

21 weeks 4 days

I'm hoping I'm "that" case where pretty much against all odds this procedure worked successfully. Twins, incompetent cervix, barely any cervix and two surgeries later it was a success. I want my doctor to even be surprise. I want to be the one that had all this done and be an advocate for future women going through the same thing, I want to say there is a chance and to not give up. I would love to be able to tell a story like that. Bring it on Wednesday I want my good news :)

21 weeks 1 day

Today started off with a call from my high risks doctor's nurse at around 8:45AM saying after thinkinag it over my doctor decided to go through with the surgery as I was to go to the surgical center when possible so I got ready and that's what I did. I got there a little after 9:0AM and registered. Last nights I was thinking about all the what ifs and everything that could be positive about this surgery again. It was so quick this morning I couldn't really process it and maybe that was a good thing. I went in got all situated and went in for surgery around 11:00AM and was out at around 12:30PM. The surgery felt like it took a while and it did he seemed confident in his work. Its funny before surgery he came in and said how he was going over everything in his had and actually found an article from this year where 21 weekers in my situation with drooping membranes either decided on doing another cerclage or not. Those that did not didn't make it past 22 weeks and those the chose another cerclage made it to 27 weeks so in a way that kind of made the surgery more favorable to him which made me happy. He also said he did talk to two colleagues. Of his about doing the surgery and one said it was completely out of the question while the other said he would go ahead and try it. Now I'm just hoping this one works as it should and there are no complications. He did say after the final exam before leaving the OR that he felt my cervix was long and closed...I kinda want to know what this "long" means, as I went into the or with .3mm of cervix left... Well I'm going to take it easy and give the office a call tomorrow to schedule a follow up although even after it I'm not going to believe a word until there is an ultrasound that gives me a measurement. I also forgot to mention I saw this beautiful monarch butterfly before going into the surgical center this morning and it flew right in front of us I'd like to think that was our baby we lost at 6 weeks watching over us and his/her brother and sister...it put a smile on my face.

21 weeks

Five days ago I had my cervical length follow up and was told I was .5mm but it was more like 4.88mm. Today he said not much of a change either this week (in 5 days) but the shortest measurement was around .3mm so like I said before I would bring up the topic of having a second cerclage placed, which I did. Like before he was against it like the first one but did tell me this time when he did the manual exam he could feel the bag of water past the stitch now. So I feel like its only a matter of time now.

 I was upfront and plain out asked him if I didn't have this cerclage placed do you think I'd still be here right now and he said no that he though the membranes would have ruptured by now which I agreed with him about. So far this stitch has given me 5 weeks and I'm hoping with another stitch I could get another 5+ weeks if there are no complications. A second stitch is the only thing I feel would by more time since the bag of water is going past this one, I feel like there isn't anymore time to waste. This time he would use a balloon to life the bag of water up and stitch around the cervix and tool that holds the balloon then deflate it. I just need to be shown which direction to take I want to know this is the right one.

So I think I will leave it up to the doctor this time he said he will talk over my case with the other doctors tomorrow and that he would get back to me tomorrow and let me know if I will be going in for surgery. If he is still against it I will still feel the need to push it so maybe using his opinion won't work...I don't know. I don't want to have these babies too early my goal is to get to 26 weeks and maybe even past that. I saw them on ultrasound today and they were beautiful.

20 weeks 5 days

Its two days until the 21 week mark. Kind of excited then I will only need another 5 weeks to reach my goal. So with that brings my cervical length check tuesday and my OB appointment on wednesday which I really don't know why I bother going to see her it seems the high risk doctor does everything. I was feeling a little extra stressed today, don't really know why. I got up to go pee as I usually do and wiped and noticed few little red dots...not sure where they came from. I'm not too concerned about it seeing as it hasn't turned into anything big but it was kind of odd...

20 weeks 4 days

I feel like this pregnancy and all these issues are making me a miserable person. And my husband gets most of it. I'm not happy and I feel like I should just be left alone like this is my problem and I should be the only one dealing with it. The fact that nothings change much in last last week was good news but that quickly wore off because where am I still confined to this bedwith no guarantees and now I feel like its only a matter of time now just waiting for something else to happen.

20 weeks 2 days

    I had two appointments an ultrasound to check cervical length and a post op with my doctor to talk about whats going on. It took a whole to hours between waiting and being seen. Anyways the ultrasound showed the usual funneling, short cervix, and the bag dipping past the stitch. I was .6 last week now i'm .488 which he considers fine and no change since last week. He did a manual which is never pleasant and says from what he could feel no dilation, good. He can feel the length of my itty bitty cervix then the stitch and doesn't feel the bag of water also good. He brought up a second surgery for a cerclage and felt that being somewhat stable right now he doesnt wan to disturb things. So we decided, that way it won't be too late to see him in 5 days and not 7 to check out the cervix and put the possibility of another cerclage back on the table based on those findings. He said my cervix could hold for a few more weeks even months but again nothing is definite.
      They also found that my blood pressure/pulse was high. They re-took it with me lying on my side and the blood pressure came down but my pulse was still up there so we will see what happens with that. It was semi good news the doctor is still conerned as I am but I am to keep to my strict bedrest and weekly progestrone shots and see where it takes me.

20 weeks 1 day

It is day ONE past 20 weeks and my Post Op/ cervical check ultrasound is tomorrow. Now in the last 4 weeks I've come to not expect anything "good" cervical wise from these appointments. So I will go in with a mentality of there could be something good BUT don't expect it. If there were to be some good then well thank you very much I will take it. So it is again a bittersweet time of the week. Sweet because we are all still here, bitter because I don't know how much more badnews I can take. I'm scared because I know we will have to figure out what is needed to be done to continue this pregnancy because of how short my cervix is. I just hope I can get all the facts and every option possible not just be sent home to wait because like I said before the cerclage surgery was done I won't leave until I know I've done everything I can for them. Until tomorrow...

20 weeks

I woke up feeling postive, I even said these babies probably wouldn't be here still without the cerclage and I'm probably right. But as the day went on you can't help but think about everything that is stacked against you and how small you are in the equation. I dont know if I should be feeling this way but lastnight the husband sprung on me oh his friend and wife are coming over, and me feeling how I do. Do you think I want to see anyone not being able to shower like I would like and just feeling downright crappy? No I don't let alone have them come here with their two kids saying oh are you ready? You can have them anytime you want. Be prepared to be up all night...and here I am thinking I have a slim chance of keeping my babies how can you (knowing my situation) come into my room with your two kids bragging oh they are such good kids blah blah but thats all good for you. When am I going to catch a break really? I'm trying so hard to get them here safe and all those who don't want kids, call their kids accidents come on! I'm thankful I can see them on ultrasound and hope maybe, just maybe I will get to hold them in my arms and have children. Actually survive and thrive, that is my wish.

19 weeks 6 days

I'll be 20 weeks tomorrow. I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that this could all end really quickly. The baby A's bag of water is dipping past the stitch and I really don't see a good outcome. I'm pretty sure soon it will cause me to dilate and the water will break and could cause me to loose one or both babies which I can't even imagine going through right now. Everone is saying be positive please be positive but I don't think they understand the severity of the situation let alone whats really going on. Its more than just lay down and you'll be fine which I think is what they are thinking.
  My husband's grandmother said to me yesturday I feel so bad you have to lay down it must suck, yes it does but then she goes on to say its bad enough being pregnant now you have to be in bed. No, its bad when you can't get pregnant on your own go through extensive fertility treatments to get pregnant to loose the baby, then go through the treatments again get pregnant think everythings okay when its not, having a shitty cervix, being on bedrest then have my husband loose his job, I can't work and we can't pay our bills...I'm fine with be pregnant.

19 week 5 days

I really feel like im at my breaking point right now. My parents were here my husbands mom and everyone came over also and I just feel like screaming my head off. Everything is getting to me and I dont know if I can take it. I feel my blood pressure going up and up. They are all like oh I feel so bad for her well I feel bad for me too. But what can I do? just lay around like everyday.


Another thing too is that my husband already a couple times this week went out with his friend for a couple hours then comes back home with him and is with him for like 5 hours then comes back to me and says oh do you need something I say no and he goes back out there by himself and plays games for the rest of the night. I feel so alone and like crying and i just feel like I should be away from everyone. maybe the hospital would be a better place for me that way im nobody's burden. I feel so hopeless and knowing my cervix gets shorter with every week knowing these babies could come anytime that I have no control of this and bedrest doesn't seem to be doing shit I'm so lost and looking for hope but everytime I get some hope its thrown away as soon as the bad news rears its ugly head. help me!

19 weeks 3 days

  I had my cervical check yesturday...babies awesome as usual but my cervix has gotten shorter in 9 days. It's now down to .6cm when it was .9cm 9 days earlier. I'm really not sure what more to do as I feel ive been doing everything I can. I've been on strict bedrest for a couple days over 3 weeks now. I dont even care about making it to 26 weeks that would still be good but just get me to 24 weeks and we'll take it from there.
    The bag of waters (baby a) is now going past the stitch which really concerns me. That and the fact that the doctor (fill in) is still telling me we can only wait and see. No talk about admitting me into the hospital to try and make it to viability...all i know is this Thursday at my next check up if its shorter then I'm telling them to admit me no ifs ands or buts I dont want to lose my babies.
   On top of that we found out my unemployed husband will no longer get unemployment which was $200 and something which helped a lot. And now I find out from disability through my job im only getting $87 a week...and that is what we have to live off of for car payment, rent, phone, credit cards...i really dont know what to do. And even more so a couple ladies on the message boards have lost their babies due to incompetent cervix :(

18 weeks 4 days

Well im still here trucking along. Today wasn't as bad as yesturday no crying and all that. Today is another day I have with my babies now its just 7 weeks 3 days until my goal of 26 weeks I really hope we make it that far and then some. I want so much for these babies to survive with out any disabilities of any kind because right now they are doing great developemental wise...they are so perfect!