For those who asked...

Here are a few photos of Madison more recently.

Enjoy <3

126 Days

Today marks Madison's 126th day of her NICU/CCN stay.
It also marks her last day there.

In her car seat



Madison & Emora

 We got to the hospital for 10AM to check with the hospital pharmacy about her meds and get her car seat base to put in. We did that went out to eat with my husbands family because we can't leave with Madison to go anywhere yet and we returned to the hospital by 3:00PM...and she wasn't ready to leave. They wanted to space out her eye drops so I fed her again put her going home outfit on and just kind of enjoyed out last day there. So 6:00PM came around and it was time to get things backed and Madison in her car seat to go. I went of the meds with the nurses again to make sure I knew what I was doing and that was that. Madison & Emora had their pictures taken together. I can't believe I forgot to mention this but two weeks after Madison was born we got a neighbor named Emora who was born a few days after 24 weeks. So her mom and I have becomes friends and we decided that we would keep in touch and keep the babies together. She is just a couple days short from leaving now. So Madison came home on the Eve of the Eve :) December 23rd 2011 after 6:00PM. So was so good in her stroller ride and in the car but when it came time to go to bed (mommy and daddy) she wouldn't sleep and just crying and screaming. The only way she would be quiet is if you held her and patted her back otherwise it was screaming. So 6:00AM rolls around she gets her fed I wrap her up put her down and sneak away and she sleeps! An hour and a half later the visiting nurse came over and had to wake her up. Soo now we know she sleeps during the day and I'm hoping I can try and break her of that habit. She did do a bit better last night I got an hour of sleep in before she woke up...better then no sleep I had the night before. I love my little sweetie :) Sorry it has taken a bit to get back but I'm sure you all understand. Thank you for those who follow my blog and of course I will still continue to update. For those of you who are there, have been there or going to be there it is a VERY long journey but it will come to an end and it is worth it.

The Overnight.

It was nice. Kind of short lived because she had to be brought back into the nursery because she had a doctors appointment at 6:00AM to get her eyes checked out. So we gave her back after her 3:00AM feeding. Which by the way she took all her bottles from me so I fed her 3 times. I didn't sleep at all. I was up that morning at 4:50AM for work on Sunday and still up at 5:00AM the next morning(Monday). It was either her monitor going off for no reason or her crying but it was great just being there alone in a room with her. I did her meds a couple times and it wasn't too bad.

Anyway the doctor's appointment...not so well. Here eyes are getting worse. So at around 4PM we went to meet with the specialist and he of course was an hour and a half late...anyway bottomline she needs surgery. She is borderline for REALLY needing the surgery and is at the point where they don't want to do nothing and eventually have her retina detach and ultamitaly be blind. So all the good feeding she has been doing will be stopped today inorder to be prepped for surgery and we will have to start all over again BIG BUMMER. So tonight she will spend back in the NICU and they are going to start an IV...all the things we moved away from. Wednesday morning sometime will be her surgery. I'm not too worried she has gone through much worse.

ANYWAYS here are the Christmas pictures I promised!

Christmas Pictures

I can't believe I almost forgot about this. Thursday night my mother and I went to the hospital to take Christmas pictures of Madison. We weren't too prepared and because of being in the NICU before we weren't sure what she could and couldn't be exposed (props wise) so we. get her dressed up. Have the nurse clean off the counter we wanted to use and we put up a white blanket as a backdrop. We tried laying her on her back didn't work so well them we tried her belly same thing. So a nurse took her and sat her up and held her behind the blanket. Then my mom was like too bad we didn't have mini presents and a nurse was like or a big teddy bear to lean her against and all of a sudden someone pops over with a couple presents to add to the picture. I did an okay job with crappy lighting. I think round two will be on Monday. BUT unfortunately I can't showcase the photos because I'm on my cell phone so that will have to be another day when I have internet.

Such a strong person or so you think

I lightened the little area so you can see the orb.

I haven't really had time to just sit and make an actual post about the craziness going on in my head...so here starts the rambling. Those who know me we'll say as in can see my face to face probably look at my and say wow with everything she's been through she is so strong and handles things well. Well I wish I could say the same when I'm alone or at work with my headphones on with hours and hours of thinking time. No one knows I wake up on my days off sometimes and just sit her and cry and its not like I can call someone up and cry to them because I'm not that person. However I would like to see a therapist but can't afford it. I think about how there are similarities between Madison and Dexter and how he would look if he were at Madison's point right now. I looked over pictures of Madison I've taken and how one specific one sticked out (its on here) the one where she is bottling and holding the bottle. Then to the left of the photo there is an orb there next to here and the only thing I can think of is that is Dexter there with his sister being the big brother he should be and it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. Going through the baby shower photos from a totally different camera there are orbs in those too, possibly Dexter and other family. Some of you may think I'm crazy but its worth thinking about. Now I'm freaking out about this whole moving issue. There's just so much to do so much to pack what we have room to keep and what we have to get rid of. We have less than 14 days...how are we going to get all this done with me working weekends and Adam going to should during the week in the mornings and working too. I'm really not looking forward to living in a box with the hubs and a baby.

On a happier note

Sorry for the downer. Yesterdays post was supposed to be about Madison but there was someone else on my mind. Miss Madison is 35 weeks today and will be 3 months old on friday. Not sure if I said this before but Madison is no longer in a heat controlled incubator, still in one but not heat controlled. She is 3lbs 10.4ozs and 15 inches long as of yesterday. She doesn't have a feeding tube in her mouth anymore it is down her nose. The nurse yesterday gave her a feeding by bottle! I got there at the right time because after my husband held her it was medication & feed time so I fed her by bottle and it was awesome! She was all swaddled (like a glow worm) and I was feeding her and all of a sudden she squished her hand up out of the blanket to help mommy :) it was adoreable. So here are some pictures from last week and ones from yesterday. ENJOY!

On the book for Oct. 27th

Nothing too much has changed since getting her breathing tube put back in. She was really high on the vent a bit lower on oxygen but now its starting to level out and they are weening her again. They are hoping for Oct. 27th as surgery date and earlier if they can get it. I was taking some pictures of her yesterday and she was all looking around and reaching her hand out like she wanted me to touch her. So I did I put my pinky in her little hand and she would squeeze it every now and then which was nice. I liked that she was alert and her eyes were open while she squeezed me. She had a new little hat on and I rubbed her head through the hat and she'd kind of closed her eyes a bit sooo nice. BUT anyways here are a few images for the mind :)

My mind is going crazy

We ended up seeing Madison pretty late last night after having some family over for dinner. We got there at around 9:45PM. She seems to becoming more alert. She was sleeping then I opened one of the little doors you put yourhand through (as I normally do) and talked to her and she moved around a bit and opened her eyes for me...so cute. And we kept on doing that as we both talked to her it was really sweet :) so no changed really with her. She was on 33 oxygen last night and had 25 for the vent. To kind of switch up things lastnight while I was sleeping I had a really freaky dream about Madison. For some reason she was about the size of a kiwi and was crawling around but she wasn't breathing or something like that and I was like is someone going to do something and they were saying something like do you see how her brain caved in on itself? She isn't responding to the oxygen we are giving her. And I remember holding her trying to give her some suction. Well I guess it wasn't a weird dream but nightmarish...freaky. I hate having dreams related to my babies because earlier in this pregnancy I had dreams about bleeding and they've happened that and I had a dream about having the babies really early and that happened. Ugh. Anyway onto another note we will be going to see her soon so I printed out a mini picture of Dexter to put with her to look at :) along with a picture I took of her to put on the outside. Also yesterday we came up with a baby shower date which will be November 17th since we are hoping she will be home sometime in december around her original due date. I started designing the invites and will post photos :)

Today it happened...

Today, 38 days old before getting moved into the portable incubator.

...i watched as Madison was unplugged, switched to the transportable incubator. I watched as they disconnected her from her vent and oxygen as the rushed to try and hook her back up, but the piping was too short so they had to bag her for a few seconds and I started tearing up. In no time they had her all hooked up again and things were cool. It was right then I decided I wanted to be there with her tonight if I could. It all comes down to the hospital having a room for us tonight with their "one bed" bull. Just a night wouldn't then we would go to the hotel the next two nights. So they took her away and by the time we left the NICU so was nowhere to be found. The nurse I LOVE said when ever she goes to Boston I will go with her (so very sweet of her). She is having surgery and will be out for a couple months so she didn't even need to come in and do this but she did. So we started driving out of the hospital and saw the ambulance she is in start to take off and I started crying a bit not so much as balling but when your eyes start to water and tears fall...that kind of thing. I hurt not being there : /

For those of you who always wondered "What does this Madison look like anyway? Here are a few photos from the beginning until now.

August 19th, 5 hours after birth midnight August 20th

9 days old

12 days old

2 weeks

3 weeks

4 weeks 5 days