Christmas

Here are some Christmas Photos I feel I should share. Taken today. So sorry for neglecting you all! We've all come down with a nasty cold, it spread through the whole house. December 13th was the twins' original due date so it marked Madison's actual first birthday. Tomorrow December 23rd is the day one year ago Madison came home from the NICU.

 

                                                                   

Infertility Coverage

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Mail

It's that time of year. Open enrollment for insurance and everything between. Totally fine with me except my former employer is changing their insurance and that is NOT good. NOT good meaning it doesn't cover any type of infertility treatment...that means I can never have another child unless I'm a millionaire. That totally breaks my heart.

Second piece of mail about a week later is about my 3 embryos  Their two year free freeze is coming to an end. I can choose to donate my embryos to couples, science or pay a monthly fee. Now the monthly fee is no where on this paper. I don't want anyone else to have my potential child(ren) and I'm not going to let them arrest. I want to pay this monthly fee but I can only imagine how much it is.

Halloween and things..

Well I realized I haven't posted in sometime. If you all were wondering at all Madison not only crawls but gets on her knees, pulls herself up and stands. She will take a couple steps with support and has between 6 to 8 teeth making their appearance. She is loud and crazy and her toothy grin is heart warming.
Here are some photos for your viewing pleasure :P

We didn't do too much for Halloween. WedressedMadison up but she wasn't liking it. We attempted to put her on the ground to get some photos taken of here but for some reason she hates it. Halloween was also my Husband and I's wedding anniversary and well we didn't do much. No money really so we went to 99 and I just felt dizzy and weak so after a trip to CVS it was Nyquil and bedtime.

That'd be me on Halloween :)

It is October

It has reached my time of the year. My love for anything Halloween and crazy and well...it's my birthday month as well and our Halloween 3 year wedding anniversary.

Now comes the question after trick or treating with Madison what the hell will be do for it? My parents are going to take Madison Wednesday and Thursday so...what now? We would LOVE to stay in a hotel for two nights maybe in Boston or NYC but something decently priced with awesome things to do. I was hoping of finding something awesome on Groupon. If any of you come across something cool in those areas would you let me know? My birthday is the 26th so we are thinking of just celebrating that with our anniversary on the 31st.

Pear Juice

So I got a call from her Pedi on Wednesday and told me he got in touch with the gastrointestinal doctor. Before actually having to go in there they came up with a list of things they wanted to try first before having her go in.

The first on that list was taking her off lactulose (sp?) and all the prune juice and put her on pear juice mixed with Miralax. It supposedly doesn't cause as much gas as the others so it's a better option.

 Then I thought to myself (not thinking to ask her pedi while on the phone) where the hell do I find pear juice? I've never heard of it and was hoping I'd find it easily...which I did. It was in the baby isle...who would've thought? I couldn't find any type of pear juice in the general juice isle...do adults not drink pear juice?

Today is Day 3 of pear juice and miralax and I have to say I saw some difference in her today. She was whinny today BUT she wasn't screaming her head off nearly as much as it's been. So I'm hoping this will be something that will help her stay regular and as pain free as possible.

So far I recommend pear juice & miralax for your babies constipation needs!

And it's back

Something is up with Madison's insides. A baby shouldn't scream, cry and tighten up her legs in an attempt to prevent herself from passing gas or pooping. It isn't normal and she never did that EVER not even when she came home and was constipated but actually starting going on her own its never happened. She now only goes a smidge but we change smidge diapers 10+ times a day and we have to hear the screaming and crying and there is nothing we can do to help. So we will be seeing a gastrointestinal doctor again hopefully soon. I just hope it's nothing major.

NICU Follow-Up

Madison had her NICU follow up on Wednesday and it really wasn't what I would have expected. A doctor from the NICU was there, one whom I've seen quite a bit and I think have mentioned she took care of me as a preemie although she was on a different team most of the time Madison was in the NICU she knew everything that was going on with her.

She looked her over and said she looked/sounded good after checking her weight, height and head circumference. Apparently she is long and skinny. Then it was time for "play time." Let me paint a picture for you. Playtime was in the same place as you would bring your kid to see the pediatrician in. There is a examination table, a sink, trash bins oh and a desk and chair. The chair for me to sit in and hold Madison and a desk to put the toys on. How do you expect a child to feel comfortable and want to play while sitting uncomfortably on mommy's lap? You don't and I wouldn't expect her to.

I was asked questions about things she does/doesn't do and we were marked down on paper for that along with how she was responding to toys being put in front of her and things like that. After all was said and done my husband mentioned something to me along the lines of the lady saying "she's behind in somethings and I can't say really until we are done."

She starts off with saying some of her skills are below were she should be at and others are above where she should be. Like sitting, Madison cannot sit on her own she tries to but is unsuccessful how ever she gets on her knees, pulls herself up and pretty much crawls. I believe the major issue was the sitting part. She goes on to say I would like to see her again in a different atmosphere, a playgroup type of thing before she sends in the report. She asked me if that is the way she acted or if she does a lot more in a more relaxed atmosphere to which I said of course she does more. I REALLY wanted to add in the part about how do you expect a child to play in a non-child-friendly play area? I really wanted to decline the invitation because we have Early Intervention (EI) coming every other week and it seems ridiculous BUT to prove them wrong I agreed to the meet up. I REALLY don't think I need to see her for a month or 4 weeks I hope is what she meant by month.

Neurologist was also mentioned...yeah I don't want to think about that right now.

Wednesday Night

Started out nice. The husband and I decided to eat out somewhere. Not that we had the money because I'm drowning in bills BUT I think we needed it. We ordered our food and somehow Dexter came up in conversation.

The hubby started saying things like "Could you imagine if Dexter was here taking care of two kids?" and in my head I said "I sure could it wouldn't be easy by no means but maybe I'd be a lot happier than I am, maybe I wouldn't have so much guilt." I responded by saying "So your thankful we only have her huh?" Clearly that is how I took his comment and I really didn't see any other way of taking it at that time. We both clearly teared up in the restaurant. He started talking about "what-ifs," and I told him to stop. I didn't want to talk about the "what-ifs," because they weren't going to happen.

I know something deep in him is making him not feel caring towards Madison and I think it has to do with not having Dexter. I told him when I was still pregnant and after we found out about the cervical issue that there could be a possibility of delivering one twin and trying to save the other and he responded so harshly with "So it has to be Dexter, we'd have to lose him?" Something along those lines and I feel like he might blame me for his loss or blame Madison for being the survivor. Sometimes I see the unconditional love in his eyes towards her but its more not than anything.

I don't know how marriages survive losing a child because it feels like it's one whole blame game and you will always be tied together because of that loss. We never cried on each other's shoulder when we lost Dexter maybe a hug with some tears but clearly there has been no closure and no connection between us for Dexter.Maybe it's because so  much family was around that we could take our own personal time to mourn and we still can't because we still aren't alone.

6 Month Eye Appointment Check Up

After we left Madison's 6 month check up I was kind of upset. As some of you know or may not know because of how premature Madison was and how long she was on oxygen she developed Retinopathy of Prematurity (ROP)

This is what Wikipedia has to say about it:
Retinopathy of prematurity (ROP), previously known as retrolental fibroplasia (RLF), is an eye disease that affects prematurely-born babies. It is thought to be caused by disorganized growth of retinal blood vessels which may result in scarring and retinal detachment. ROP can be mild and may resolve spontaneously, but it may lead to blindness in serious cases. As such, all preterm babies are at risk for ROP, and very low birth weight is an additional risk factor. Both oxygen toxicity and relative hypoxia can contribute to the development of ROP.

Normally, maturation of the retina proceeds in-utero, and at term the mature infant has fully vascularized retina. However, in preterm infants, the retina is often not fully vascularized. ROP occurs when the development of the retinal vasculature is arrested and then proceeds abnormally. The key disease element is fibrovascular proliferation. This is growth of abnormal new vessels that may regress, but frequently progresses. Associated with the growth of these new vessels is fibrous tissue (scar tissue) that may contract to cause retinal detachment. Multiple factors can determine whether the disease progresses, including overall health, birth weight, the stage of ROP at initial diagnosis, and the presence or absence of "plus disease". Supplemental oxygen exposure, while a risk factor, is not the main risk factor for development of this disease. Restricting supplemental oxygen use does not necessarily reduce the rate of ROP, and may raise the risk of other hypoxia-related systemic complications.^{[citation needed]}
Other physicians have suggested that supplemental oxygen, specifically oxygen tents given to pre-term infants specifically causes ROP. The hypothesized mechanism involves the degradation and developmental cessation of blood vessels in the presence of excess oxygen. When the excess oxygen environment is removed, the blood vessels begin forming rapidly again and grow into the vitreous humor of the eye from the retina, sometimes leading to blindness.^[1] This does not preclude the dangers of hypoxic environments for premature infants.
Patients with ROP are at greater risk for strabismus, glaucoma, cataracts and myopia later in life and should be examined yearly to help prevent and treat these conditions.

So with that said Madison had laser surgery in both her eyes. I was told she may have to wear glasses, everyone in this family has glasses but that's no big deal. We are supposed to go back for another 6 month follow up and I was warned that, that may be the time when she will get glasses. According to the doctor the prescription is "very strong," and there is one type of frame for kids. So I took that as her having coke bottle glasses. That part upset me. He took it as no big deal but to me she sees fine. She looks at everything she gets to the things she wants across the room I don't feel like there is anything wrong with her vision and I don't want to put glasses on my daughter's face until she can tell me whether or not see can see these things or not.

My husband was upset too and was talking about getting a second opinion, I think its a good idea but I just don't get the whole "let me examine your eyes and I can tell you need glasses," deal without a child being able to respond. I understand looking in her eyes and checking out how the vessels in her eyes are but that doesn't state whether she is blind or not. I just hope between now and then Madison will prove him wrong. Either way I don't think he can tell if she can see by just looking at vessels.

It's Crazy

Madison's personality is really starting to shine through. She is the happiest baby...unless she doesn't want/like something but she is too adorable! She smiles over anything now and she's starting to crawl and everything. We caught her on her knees pulling herself up and looking over her pack n' play so we lowered it now to "play pen" status. She gets into anything and everything. She's doing so much more than I ever thought during those NICU days. We do have a miracle on our hands and I'm so thankful for her.

MomBloggersClub

I started a group there for the infertile bloggers out there. Feel free to join! http://www.mombloggersclub.com/group/infertility-bloggers

Sorry

I realized I never updated you all on the red lumpy bumps situation. I think I put ice on it a couple times and now It's pretty much all gone. Now she is having a pooping issue these last couple weeks. I have her on prune baby food, prune juice I'm only feeding her cereal once a day and some fruits and veggies twice a day until she does a good sized poop. I don't want to bind her up anymore.

Shots

At Madion's year appointment with her Pedi she had to get 3 shots. Its been over a week later and I remember her having a little red dot after one injection and now she had some redness on her thigh that is getting bigger and feels lumpy. I'm not sure if that is from the injection because I'm pretty sure there was no redness at some point. So I called her Pedi's office and am waiting to hear back from the nurse.

A bit late

I forgot to share. Madison had an ultrasound on Wednesday to check on her kidney growth. All they told me was her kidneys are getting a little closer in size ..which I watched as she did the ultrasound and looked at her measurements. There was also free fluid in one of them last time but has went down since the last ultrasound. So all in all one kidney is still bigger than the other but they are getting closer together but aren't as big as they should be at her age. I'm thinking they are going by her actual age (1 year) instead of her adjusted age of (8 months+)

The first thing I did when we went in for the ultrasound I was saying how last time we were here Madison was an angry baby. She was still on the crappy formula and colicky and she said "yeah I read about her crying in the review." So I was thinking to myself damn she already has a record, giver her some slack. Which also made me think about the Seinfeld episode where Elane's doctor wrote in her chart she was a difficult patient lol.

Back in Time

I remember when she was born and when she was immediately wheeled away. I remember seeing her for the first time in the incubator surrounded by this squishy material to mimic the womb. Hot air was blown on her and she laid there with a breathing tube taped to her face. She laid there motionless except for the wiggling of her two big toes. She was tiny but even then full of life. She was a twin but there she was alone and there she would thrive and survive.

Who is chosen to lose a child? What are the requirements when we are chosen? Why must we need to suffer through a loss. It doesn't seem right. It seems as though it is all the good deserving people out there who are chosen. Those that just want that chance to love a child, to make a family complete. Even after the loss we are burdened with the thought. It never disappears or gets easier. It stays and it hurts and hurts. Some days or fine then other it comes back hitting a hundred times over and your shot down just like you were then. Everyone says how strong you are but that's just on the outside. If I could have just stopped everything from turning for a bit longer I would have but having a surviving child you have to love and take care of makes the world keep turning and there is no pause you have to keep living because if it isn't for yourself it's for her and she deserves it.

Nuvaring

I have decided I don't like it. Its fine when you plan on not having sex. I was told your partner shouldn't feel it and everything would go as normal. Umm not so much. It was like I was having sex with sandpaper and I would burn really bad after. And out of no where a few days before I was supposed to insert the new ring I starting spotting brown so that is a no go for me. PLUS I have to pay $27 for it umm no thanks. So I've decided to go birthcontrol free again and just take provera here and there to get a period.

Seperating Blogs

While this blog has come along way with me I think it's time to separate some topics to a different blog. I feel like this blog should just stay about infertility, pregnancy, the struggle and my baby. I'm going to make a separate blog for my weight loss but it will be accessible from this blog so there will be no need to go very far. Feel free to follow that one too. I will be removing the weight loss posts from this blog and will be transferring them to the new one.

NEW BLOG: http://themiseryofweight.blogspot.com

Please..

I hate to ask but there isn't really anything I can do about it right now. I'm really behind on my bills. My car payment and car insurance is due next week. On top of that I have my cell phone already passed due and it's our only telephone source. I can't work my husband doesn't have a job and all I get is $230 a week. If any of you could donate even just a dollar it would help. I felt like my daughter deserved a celebration for everything she's gone through, she deserved it and well that's where most of my money went. There is a button to the right on this page you can click to donate if you feel the need. If you cannot please share the page anything will help! Thank you again.

Madison

One year ago today my life changed. Decisions, suggestions and a bunch of information was thrown at me and it meant nothing. At around 7PM I was brought into surgery, by choice to try and give my unborn daughter a better shot at like. At 7:21PM Madison was delivered by c section. I wasn't listening for her first cry because I knew it wasn't going to happen she was too premature. What I did listen for was her stats and most importantly her heartrate and what they could stabilized it at before going to the NICU. Once I heard 160bpm I knew she would be okay. She was born 1lb 3ozs and only 10 1/2 inches long,. She's had 4 surgeries and life threatening infections that could have killed her. She spent the first four months of her life in the NICU 127 days. Today she is over 15lbs and an extremely loud and energetic ball of fire. I couldn't have imagined a better outcome for her. She has surprised us and her doctors. She is truly a miracle. So on this day we celebrate her life and her struggles because without her I don't know where I would be. Happy First Birthday Madison!

Dexter

Madison visiting Dexter

A year ago today I gave birth to my first born. At 2:48PM August 16th 2011 a 23 weeker came into this world weighing 1lb 4ozs. As soon as he came into this world he left. In his rememberence we released butterflies just as we did at his funeral. The only difference this time is that it was Madison's first time being at Dexter's grave and it was bittersweet. We had Madison hold a heart balloon and let it go when she felt the need and she had perfect timing. Each day never seems to get easier but I live with it. I didn't know I could feel so much for a person I've only had the chance of meeting for a couple hours before leaving a hole in my heart. Here are a few pictures I'd like to share.

Donations...

Well I made a donation page just to put it out there. I don't expect anything but it doesnt hurt to try. Copy & Paste http://www.gofundme.com/10g20s

Never did a timeline for the twin pregnancy...

So I feel like I should dedicate a whole post to the twins. When I found out I was pregnant and everything I went through up until the point of delivery, so I can give you all some perspective. So the twin pregnancy happened with our frozen embryos from our first IVF attempt. There will be a lot of information so enjoy! This is a compiled list of entries on a forum I was on before, during and after being pregnant from the FET cycle.

01.23.2011
IVF success and failure
Well I am now 16 days past my D&C after learning my baby died and stopped growing around 7 weeks. I'm waiting to start my FET cycle but it seems like it's too far away. I have to go in for bloodwork Friday to make sure HCG is going down as it should. My 1 week check was down to 890 so I'm hoping this 2 week check will be in the single digits.

01.30.2011
I was 3 weeks past D&C friday and HCG went down from 890 2 weeks ago to 15 so I guess they are considering this my baseline. So I started Birth control pills friday and I was told to take them a minimum of two weeks, then stop them and I should get a period. When that happends I'm supposed to call the office. So after that I have to have a sonogram, followed by another period and I'm hoping to transfer 2 blasts after all is said and done.

02.19.2011
My Update
Here is my update. I started my first period since the D&C Jan 7th thanks to bc pills. It is now over so I have my sonohysto scheduled for Feb 28th and if everything is good that day I will get off the bcps and start the patches March 2nd.

03.05.20011
I believe I will be starting patches and baby asprin tomorrow which would be day one for me so I am estimating the 25th would be transfer day.

03.22.2011
So my ultrasound and bw is tomorrow. They are going to check my lining and estrogen and all that. I'm hoping its nice and cushioney in there :P if all goes well transfer will be Monday!

Continuation after I got the call...
So all is a go for monday! They told me my lining was triple layer or whatever its called I don't know the mm of it but they told me its good. My E2 is 481 and P4 is 1.2. So I'm downgrading back to two patches and starting the prometrium tonight. The count down begins. Now I'm hoping the embies make the thaw.

03.27.2011
I'm soooo ready! Counting down the hours haha the only thing is, is I don't have a time to go in I guess they will call me in the morning. They said it should happen around 11ish boooo what a time frame. I will be sleeping next to the phone Sunday night haha

03.28.2011
To all those wondering the tranfer went great! I got a photo of the babies being transfered and they said the thaw was beautiful so April 6th is beta day. Now I'm heading home just got done eating now its nap time Side Note: I remember going out for pancakes.

03.29.2011
So I had my transfer Monday around 11:45am so I guess you can say I'm technically 5 and a halfish days into my 2WW. We transfered 2 beautiful blastocycsts and are hoping for the best when we go in for the beta April 6th.

03.31.2011
So I'm 3dp5dt and all of a sudden today I'm having some odd feeling I never felt until today. I can't really describe what it is maybe poor circulation. Could it be my two blasts...it would probably be too early for that but its something odd I've noticed. Can anyone relate?

03.31.2011
I'm still hanging in there thinking about poas just to "check" haha but I only have 2 hpts and won't be buying anymore so I have to choose the days wisely.

04.01.2011
Well I broke down an poas lastnight it was about 3.5dp5dt and I got a BFN which I knew would happen. I don't really feel down about it because I know its way early. So I will test again Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday and hope out of those days there will be a positive!

04.02.2011
So I tested again today at 7:30am, 11:45am ish would be 5dp5dtr so not quite yet and I got the faintest positive! So I will continue to poas until Tuesday and have official beta Wednesday. I sure hope everything goes fine this time around I just spent 5 minutes crying and the hubby is still sleeping. I'm so nervous! Should I move up beta date...?

04.03.2011
So I peed on the ever so mighty frer at around 9:10am and got a darker line! 3 days till beta!

04.06.2011
Official Beta Day! All preggo tests are positive now I'm hoping for a nice high strong number...thinking it may be twins
Continuation...
So I got the call and my number is 210...pretty good. I got back Friday for a repeat beta. I think I want one Monday and Wednesday also. I want to be on top of things this time because of what happened last time.

04.08.2011
2nd beta came back at 513 yay! She said it more then doubled . She said no more need to check blood. So my first ultrasound is scheduled for April 25 I will be 6 weeks 5 days so I better see some babies and heartbeats then! So far away though...

HPT Negative to Positive
3dp5dt: negative
4.5dp5dt: extremely faint positive
5dp5dt: faint positive
7dp5dt: darker faint positive
8dp5dt: very dark positive
9dp5dt: Beta #1 210
11dp5dtr: Beta #2 513

04.09.2011
I started PIO (Progesterone In Oil) shots today. After switching from the suppositories and crinone.

04.14.2011
I am FREAKING OUT. I woke up at 8am and peed had extremely light pink spotting. Half hour later it was dark red and I had cramping now it seems to be stopping but its still sitting in my mind. Last time there was tons of blood and clots...I didn't miscarry then but 5 days after that the baby stopped growing.

04.17.2011
The repeat beta was actually Friday but I decided not to go since the blood didn't get any worse. So I'm holding out until the 25th for the first ultrasound...so happy its pretty much a week away now not over 3 weeks when I started counting down. I think I may ask for bloodwork then since I have no clue what my P4 levels are.

04.18.2011
So I think I had my first dose of morning sickness today...woke me up out of a sound sleep felt really nausous but thankfully the cold made it go away.

04.21.2011 
So I haven't checked the board in a few so I will update you all. I have constant morning sickness all day no vomiting but when ever I'm hungry its back so I make sure I eat and all is well. I had another blood episode so I got checked out last night at a womens and infant trauma place. We did a quick ultrasound the lady didn't have any certifications so it wasn't as clear as I liked but there were two sacs with two babies and two flickering hearts. I just turned 6 weeks yesturday so it was a total suprize to see all this. They said it may have been from implantation so I'm going to go with it. My first realy ultrasound is still Monday so I will get to see the twins clearer and I'm hoping all is still well and that I will get my pictures the 6 week HCG was 40160 and P4 18.3

04.25.2011
I have good news!
There are officially two babies in there. One is measuring a bit smaller at 6 weeks 3 days and the heart is at 120, second baby is right on target at 6 weeks 5 days with a 128 heartbeat. Next appt. At 8 weeks 1 day May 5th then I'm off to OB...makes me nervous. I just hope everything continues to progress nicely! EDD is Dec. 13.
Update...
A few hours after the vaginal ultrasound I got some bleeding :/ still there now...I'm thinking my cervix got really irritated from it because there was a lot of pressure during the ultrasound.

05.15.2011
Hey hey! I haven't been around much...I can't believe I'm pushing it to the 10 week mark already. I had an u/s at 9 weeks and baby A looks like a small baby already it even twiched it was cute! Baby B is still a couple days behind but both are still hanging on I have my first trimester scan May 31st can't wait!

05.23.2011
I'm not-so-patiently awaiting the 31st for the NT scan just to see if my babies okay...I hope they'll let me hear the heartbeats. I will be 11weeks tomorrow...so crazy to even think about it. Has any of this ever happen to any of you? If I sneeze or cough too much it makes me want to vomit...not so pretty lol

05.31.2011
Scan went well. They both were all bouncing around heartbeats were good. Its crazy to think I'm at 12 weeks right now. I actually told everyone today.

06.03.2011
 I just tried my doppler for an hour and think we got one baby at 147-150bpm.

06.16.2011
Started the second trimester on Tuesday...I got about 4 weeks until I see my babies and find out the sexes. 2 weeks until I have a cervical length check...just to be on the safe side...hoping I could say "can I get a peek at the babies while your there"? 

07.02.2011
Since having a bleeding and cramping episode the 18th we saw the Peri the 20th and length looked great. 8 days later we went to regular OB office for length check and to my suprise my cervix was down to 1 cm with funneling give or take, after it being 3 1/2 cm 8 days earlier. So with that came some options. 1. Bedrest & Progesterone 2. Bedrest & Cerclage (highly unrecommended by Dr. Because there wasn't enoug evidence proving it would work and with the risks) 3. Induce labor to avoid having the babies early Of course 3 was totally out of the question and 1 didn't seem like enough to me. So I chose 1 and 2. I was admitted to the hospital same day monitored all night and had surgery yesturday. According to the Dr. Surgery went well and now we wait. I have my follow up Tuesday and am hoping babies still look good and no complications should arise. In the midst of all this we found out we have a little boy and girl.

07.12.2011
I had my level II ultrasound. On the positive note babies looked great. The girl is 7oz and the boy is 8oz (18 weeks today) on a not so positive note my cervix is down to .9cm now from being 1.2cm at 16 weeks. Cerclage is still in place there is still terrible funneling so its a wait and see kind of deal now and I'm scared.

07.21.2011
Had another check up today babies are good moving all around... but now cervix is down its lower and lower every week and now baby a's water bag is past the stitch. I don't know what more to do....I'm in bed all day I shower once a week I'm only out of the house for dr. appointments. Ugh

08.05.2011
Well I have an update. Wednesday I went in for surgery for a second cerclage after finding my cervix got down to .3mm and baby A's bag of water was slipping past the first stitch. So its 5 days until my follow up and I hope I get some good news this time. Its crazy. Before the surgery when I saw him Tuesday he didn't want to do another surgery and was like well I'm not going to do anymore ultrasounds since you have pretty much no cervix and to wait and see so I was like I think we need to do the surgery or I could pretty much lose the babies at any time. So I'm sure I will have more of an idea when I see the doctor Wednesday.

08.11.2011
At the appointment today they found a small pocket of fluid and his bladder was full so he is getting some fluid. They still have reason to believe his water has broken and was pushing to remove my cerclage but I decided I wanted to keep it atleast another week. So the risk of infection is high and I was admitted to the hospital and will probably be here the remainder of the pregnancy. The plus part of this is my room is private its nice and my husband can stay.

Now this is where my blog started going into more detail. I kind of put this together to remind myself of everything that's happened a long the way. With everything there are things I have forgotten I realized after going through all these posts.

With the end of July upon us...

comes August. That brings heart ache and excitement. It brings with it many emotions and memories coming back to consume me, It means I have lost my son Dexter and had another grow up right in front of me. That miracle baby that will be 1 soon enough. I know many of you have followed me from the "almost" start. I started this blog at about 18 weeks, two weeks after getting my cerclage and being put on strict bed rest.

A lot of you have been with me through the ups and most importantly the down, down and down again. It has been one hell of a ride. I'm sure a lot of the times you all thought I was nuts I've sure I've said many odd things at my low times. I know most of you have been through my gief with me and for that I'm thankful. Even looking back now whether it was on blogger or through other sites I was on I had so much support right up until shit hit the fan and even after. I always had someone to share such kind words and it helped me get to where I am today. August 16th will mark Dexter's life and dealth one short year ago. Madisons brings so much happiness and craziness to the house, I still even though I have said it before imagine what he would have been like. It would have been amazing to see them play and laugh together.

I didn't mean for this to be a downer post so lets switch it up. Madison's birthday is August 19th and well bring the creative person I am, I'm thinking of making her a cake for her birthday. I'm not talking back a cake slather frosting on it and write happy birthday on it, I'm talking a three dimensional cake. A fairy cake to be exact. With mushrooms and hills with sparkles and layers and fillings. No I have NEVER backed a cake like that BUT I know I can do it and it will be AWESOME! I'm trying to come up with an exact design in my head but it'd be harder to put down on paper. I have about 3 weeks to get it perfect. I will have to do some tester cakes in the mean time. Once I get the tools I will get to backing and show you all and get your opinions if I could.

All These Medical Shows

I should have known the topic of prematurity would come up. It's called "Private Practice," has anyone seen it? If not its about a small practice that offers services for for phsyciotry, pediatricians, gyenocologists and has a fertility clinic. This episode had someone come in at 27 weeks pregnant and everything was perfect with the baby. She wanted to deliver the baby to use her cord blood for her son that was dying. It was a crazy story. In the end the woman broke her own water because the doctors wouldn't induce her and they c sectioned the baby. Thhe woman kept on asking if the baby was okay, obviously not if she wasn't breathing. Of course I cried.

6 Days after...

Provera my period showed up. Of course I bought a test with hopes at seeing a double line. I took it and it was obviously negative then the next day my period was here, ugh WASTE of money. So I guess this is it. After my period the ring goes in and there is now a 0% chance of me convcieving on my own. We are starting the gym again this week and I suppose I will focus on losing some weight and trying to be as healthy as possible. It would be great if the next time I go into the RE's office to a transfer I'd be at a healthier weight and happier all around. I guess that could be my goal. I would LOVE to lose 80lbs.

Progesterone

I finished my 10 pills on Friday I believe. No period in sight. I had a pregnancy dream last night. Some how some way in the dream I was getting an ultrasound and they were surprised to see I was pregnant. I'm guessing it initially wasn't to check for pregnancy. I remember saying in the dream it's impossible and that I just finished taking Provera and am waiting for a period. UGH I HATE pregnancy dreams. It always gets my hopes up for nothing. My boobs are sore and obviously thats from the lack of progesterone from the pills and possibly a warning that my period may start soon. I think about my 3 snowbabies all the time but its too soon for that. Ah well.

The RE

Well I had a visit with my RE and well the appointment went as I thought it would. I have a slim to no chance of ever getting pregnant on my own. She wanted me to go on some type of birthcontrol to keep my lining thin and stay on the metformin. She says she doesn't think anything will change with my cycles unless I lose a lot of weight and maybe then I would start ovulating on my own, but no promises there. She did an ultrasound to check my lining and my ovaries and she commented "you have text book PROS." Its something I really didn't want to hear. She also said my ovaries are doing nothing for me...wonderful isn't it? So like I said in my previous post I'm starting the gym again and hoping to get in shape if possible. We have decided to put me on progesterone for 10 to get a withdrawal bleed and I will start the NuvaRing continuously. She asked about my blasts I have frozen and I told her we weren't ready just yet. She said whenever I was ready for them they will be waiting. I'm definitely ready but financially we aren't not until atleast one of us has a good stable job and a bigger place to live in. Being back there brought back a lot of memories.

GYN

Well I had my appointment yesterday. She told me to keep taking Metformin to help with the PCOS and to avoid fatty and sugary foods, easier said than done. Oh and I'm severely overweight...almost morbidly obese actually. I weigh more now than I ever did even more so than when I was pregnant. That's like a punch in the face right there...PCOS if not treated early can make you become overweight because of the insulin resistance. Your body doesn't use the sugar it builds up as fat. Maybe if I can just cut back on what I eat and get to the gym for a few this would all work in my favor. I've never exercised while on Metformin so I'm sure it will work its magic a lot sooner with exercise. Oh and the blood pregnancy test...negative.

Disgustingly Hot!

Well we had our first counseling session yesterday. It kind of feels good to get things out to someone else. Hopefully we will dive in more deeply next week.

On top of all that it was disgustingly hot yesterday. It was in the 90s but felt in the 100s. It was muggy and humid. Unfortunately our A/C died in the car at the end of last summer. We tried buying this thing that recharges your A/C or does something to it (I don't know) and it didn't work...we looked at the fuses they were fine and well my husband's friend thinks it's our compressor...yeah like I have $500 to blow on the part, not even including labor. I don't know what we are going to do if this is how summer is going to be.

 This is day two of nastiness. We can't put Madison in the car with it being like this. This car is going to be paid off in November and while I REALLY don't want anymore car payments, I might just have to get another one or trade this one in. We really could use another type of transportation though. I doubt I would even be accepted for a loan since I'm not working.

After all the car business we came home and went to bed around 11PM. Well I tried to anyway...I had these HORRIBLE cramps eventually I feel asleep though. Guess what!? Still no period, well I shouldn't say period because I didn't know what that was last time but no blood speckles lol.  I messed up on the date of my GYN appointment and it's today so I'm still going to try and ask her if she could do some blood work just to be sure whether or not pregnancy exists...I'm pretty sure not. I am going to tell her I thought I saw a faint positive so she will want to check.

PCOS

Well I have it for those of you who don't know. I have pretty much everything that goes with it. I thought my period would be normal after delivery but it is again gone. So I called up my Reproductive Endocrinologist to meet with her and talk about things I can do to control this maybe get my cycles going without birth control pills or provera. My husband and I are probably going to start going to the gym since I've been pretty much immobile since being pregnant with the twins. Te bedrest did a toll on my body. I don't move enough because I'm at home with the baby I have pretty much everything I need in this room. I see her in about 3 weeks.

It was finally spoken aloud.

The hubby and I are going through some issues. Hes finally come clean about all the lying and other things I really don't feel like mentioning. We are going to try counseling. That really isn't what this post is supposed to be about but that is what lead to the topic of this post. Our twins, or what was supposed to be.

Initially our are miscarriage (should I even call it that? Since I got a D & C ? on paper it was called something abortion...nice isn't it?) just after 6 weeks we met up with the Reproductive Endocrinologist about 3 months later to decide our game plan. We decided on a FET cycle (our frozen embryos left over from IVF) and again we got that same paper to choose how many we wanted transferred back. Just like when we did IVF we were warned for being under 35 years of age 1 embryo is recommended to avoid a higher multiple percentage, so it was our first time going through this and well we sided with the doctor. During the FET we strongly agreed on transferring two embryos back no questions asked. I remember a few days before the transfer was to happen a someone from the lab called and said "Are you sure you want to have two embryos transferred?" I replied "Yes," and that was the end of the phone call.

We went into it hoping for just one to make it. That's what we said aloud to each other...we've never talked about that with each other before until a few days ago when all shit hit the fan. We figured, well one of them will not even grow or just not even attach early on in the pregnancy. Maybe we will just see one heartbeat and that'd be great. I'm sure if that wouldn't of really happened I'd be hurt, but that was our mindset then. We never expected for them to both we alive and well until the end, that's what hurts the most. We didn't expect to meet this child EVER. When they both stayed we were expecting to take them both home and not to have to say goodbye. We didn't expect this early delivery but we were hoping both would at least be in the NICU for a while not leave us so abruptly.

I miss you baby boy.

Can't I just buy Prenantal Vitamins without being questioned!?

So this story goes like this. I need some vitamins in my life so I decide on prenatals they are the best to take ANYTIME so who not? My mom somehow sees this box from them and it freaking out asking if I'm pregnant I mean I guess one would get the idea but the box says BEFORE,DURING, and AFTER pregnancy. Since I can't get pregnant on my own if I were I think I would shout it from the rooftops...SERIOUSLY.

Just to prove them ALL WRONG (the husband included) I buy a two pack of pregnancy tests First Response to be exact. I take it and what do you know...NEGATIVE. I kind of put a little water on it to wash some of the escaped urine on the window off. I set it down and wake up this morning decide to take a look at it and its now a faint positive. WTF!? So my brain isn't comprehending any of that. I NEVER have had a negative turn positive and First Response is all I've ever used (besides the cheapies and I've never even gotten that one one of them).

BUT now I'm thinking well maybe the water seeped into the window and made it turn positive (it could happen right) So after seeing that I busted out the second test and that is negative...for now right? I'm keeping it to see if it changes. So if it changed or not I have my annual GYN appointment coming up the 19th so I will ask for a blood test then to see whats officially up.

NICU/CCN Graduates Reunion

It was this past Sunday and it was great! Everyone was coming up to us to see Madison it was awesome. They were so happy to see her and I was so happy to see them. They gave my daughter life. There was a few people I didn't get to see but I will go back and see them. Her primary doctor actually remembered what POD she was in...out of alll those babies he remembered hers...Madison was the problem child in the NICU haha but it was nice he stopped us to talk with him.He commented on how great she looked. We also saw another doctor the one who came down to us to let us know "this would be the time to stop all efforts," (regarding Dexter) she was also the doctor who took care of me when I was a preemie so we had some history. Even though she was on our team of doctors when Madison was in the NICU she still came by and spoke with us. We have some type of unspoken connection. We took some pictures with a few nurses and with her. Madison also saw her POD buddy. Her mom, Madison, her daughter and I sat with each other and talked about what each of our babies are doing now and that at some point we should meet up and have them play together. I have to get the pictures on here at some point so once they are I will get a few up here. Upon checking in they gave us a little backpack type thing that has an Eeeor (pretty sure I spelt that wrong) a little t shirt for Madison that says "NICU Graduate) and a little book. So sweet they gave us things for here. I submitted a couple pictures for the reunion and they had them up in a slidshow on the a projector. I just can't believe how hard this little girl fought to stay her, she just amazes me everyday.

Happy Father's day, fathers...

yeah like any men read this blog. ANYWAYS Father's day was fine until a close to 7PM after we were at my father-in-law's house for a cookout when Madison started throwing herself and crying uncontrollably. Yeah so I never got to eat had to take it home the hubby had a couple burgers and we were there maybe an hour...I feel like crap for leaving but Miss Madison didn't want to nap before we got there and it was an all out fuss war. Atleast we showed up right?

Your Reason

I realize many of you have stumbled upon my little blog here maybe through google searching for experiences with twin pregnancies and some of you are having cervical issues and are looking for a positive outcome, and there is those of you who unfortunately have the pleasure of getting to know the nicu. I just want to say don't let my stories scare you. There is still hope regardless of your situation. My cervix failed me but in the end I had a choice and the choice that changed things and put them in a direction I'd rather have not gone was removing the cerclage that supposedly made Dexter's fluid extremely low. I say supposedly because when we thought it was time to deliver him they broke my water in the process and let me tell you there was a lot. That was the second mistake I didn't know what was happening and they broke my water which I would have decided against. My advice to you if you are in the same situation where they doctors are drilling you about infection because a cerclage may have ruptured your water STAY in the hospital and let them monitor you. Do NOT remove the cerclage unless they have positive evidence you have an infection...it can save your child's life trust me if I could go back it would have stayed put. I also HIGHLY advise any pregnant women whether or not their is history of it in the family or not PLEASE get your cervix checked at EVERY appointment every ultrasound it is very important you have a long and closed cervix to keep a healthy and uneventful pregnancy. If you happen to be one of those unlucky few who have to be put on bedrest. Don't be angry its in your child's best interest and yes it can get boring and you can become really frustrated and full of mixed emotions (read my first few posts) but it's not forever it doesn't last. I remember being admitted to the hospital at 22 weeks I was so not happy and wanting to go home and after a week it got easier and I was hoping I'd be there for much longer than I was but it was cut short and my life changed so quickly. You don't prepare because you can't...I never even thought to have someone bring me my camera...I have no others photos of my son except for the ones on my cellphone. If you are admitted to the hospital go as if its your delivery day. You don't want to miss out on the moments good or bad because regret is a bitch to live with, it eats at you. So this brings me to the nicu-ers. I had a long, hard NICU stay. I was told so many times before Madison was born that we had less than 1% of a survival rate for babies at 23 weeks and that's whith retardation, handicaps and all. As scary as that was to hear we kept hope. I distanced myself from Madison in the beginning. She was so small and frail and I didn't know how to act. I couldn't say "I love you," to her because that meant I would open myself up to be hurt. To hurt even more than I already was when Dexter passed just 3 days earlier. It took me a while to come around. I was fighting with myself I was depressed I was hurt I just lost my child and now I was going to lose her I was numb. She was stable and fighting but everyday there was something different. And I remember the nurse saying to me "get your hand in there and touch her,she needs you," and I replied "I'm scared." From that day forward I knew she did need me she needed to know I was there no matter what and that I will fight along side her, and I did I was right there through the good and the bad and the bad again. The NICU really puts a toll on you mentally and you can never be happy for a full 24 hours or tell anyone things are good because it will get shoved right back in your face and turn to just the opposite. So I guess what I'm trying to say it BE there, always. Love even though its tough because for that moment they are with you and need every bit of hope and confidence you have because they don't know what's going just that they are there and you should be too.

My Favorite IVF Nurse

...called me today out of the blue. I missed her call but I returned her call and let a message for her to call me back...lol Anyways in her voicemail she said she wanted to see how the hubby and I was doing and heard I had a tough delivery...tough doesn't begin to explain the heartache and pain and suffering trying to keep the pregnancy and get it to a much better state of viability. I must also had my RE had one of her colleges come and see me while I was in the hospital, it might have been after Dexter was born not sure to ask me if she could come and see me and I said absolutely...and see never came. Well back to the nurse she also said she wanted to follow up with me...and she wanted to hear all the details..well I will be talking your ear off most likely. I'm curious as to what she is going to ask me and what it is for. She probably might slip in and say well your insurance has covered your embryos for 2 years now you have to start paying for them. I really want to be pregnant and have another baby : / After our talk I will update you all in case you are curious.

Update: It was a nice phone call she was always so understanding. She made a point to say she wanted a picture but I told her I would bring her around and all I have to do is call ahead of time.

College Bound

Five years after high school I am now applied to college. My plan is to take the prerequisites for nursing & sonography that way I could do both. I've decided I'd like to be a NICU nurse, a nurse that works with high risk pregnancies and babies, or a nurse that works in the infertility office. Hmm I wonder where that idea came out..? I figure it's a field I know a good deal about having had first hand experience in all of the above. So I'm hoping to start taking a couple summer classes next month. I'm just waiting for my acceptance letter and to schedule the classes and take the placement tests...I'm so not looking forward to the math portion..I'm HORRIBLE at it anyone care to tutor me? I'm being serious!

*Shamless Plug* I'm adding more to So I'm Infertile please those of you who are infertile please join and lets make it a happy place to be!

Similar to any of you?

Can I get some insight here...so I told you about the bleeding doing a disappearing act on me...still happening even now. Anyway I took another cheapie preggo test yesterday still negative. I woke up today to my daughter wanting to be fed and some serious cramping while feeding her I had this really strong cramp. What is going on? I'm probably really naive to think any type of pregnancy could happen this late in my cycle or lack thereof right?

So I'm Infertile...

So I'm Infertile is my domain name for the infertiles and newly infertiles out there. It isn't complete but I got a basic forum up for now in order to be up and running. I wish I had more web design experience unfortunately I've forgotten all I used to know about it. So this was pretty much a press and click installation of a forum. Anyways please feel free to browse the boards maybe sign up and say hello, share a story whatever it is you feel like. Thank you in advance!

Early Intervention Friday

Well my suspicions were right. She is pregnant. The last couple times she came to the house for Madison I thought she might have been and today she was like "well in the fall I will be on maternity leave at some point," I KNEW IT! ...I'm a bit jealous but good for her, sort of.

I don't know what has been up with me lately...remember when I was complaining about the odd spotting/blood for weeks and months on end? Well around May 3rd I had it again it only lasted 8 days so I was thinking to myself AWESOME maybe I will have a normal every month, week lasting period thing...well it is now June 11th and I haven't gotten a thing. Just a smear here and there but NOTHING...and yes I have gone the pregnancy test route and well nothing there either as of last week. I was using the cheapies, the ones you dip into the cup that have a max line to dip up to. So what the hell is up!? Seriously I'm bummed I don't have a period and bummed I'm not pregnant.

Anyways since I know some of you ladies follow me from the births boards and some are infertile I am putting a site together a forum for the infertile I know there are a couple out there but there aren't many and I feel like this should be someone people should know about and not be afraid to talk about it. I bought the domain yesterday and I'm just trying to get things set up now. I hope you all will check it out once it is up and running.

A couple pictures as PROMISED!

The first three are from a couple weeks ago and the last three are from today at the lake.

Early morning visit to the lake

We being my husband, mother, father and I took Madison to the lake for the first time. She put a bathing suit on and her feet in the water for the first time...it was so cute! She was kicking around and putting her toes in the sand...just adorable! She did pretty good. We brough her play mat along that comes out of her pack n' play with dangly toys to play with so that way if she got fussy she could play or sleep or just lay down and it worked, haha. I have picures to follow soon.

Over 12 and 24

Miss Madison is now well over 12 pounds and is now two feet long. I can't believe how big shes gotten. I was just watching a video I took of her when she was just two weeks old. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFH3XuBgZsY if you'd like to watch. What are all of your plans for Memorial Day? My parents, husband , Madison and I will be heading to Boston (no not a surgery) to go to the Sea Aquarium. I can't wait to see the little penguins and how she reacts to things.

NICU Graduates

We got our invitation a week or so ago and I have to say I'm really excited to see all the doctors and nurses who put there time and minds together to give Madison life. I know quite a few of her situations in the NICU took the doctors and nurses for a ride because no one knew what was happening with her and why. I'm very lucky we had the doctors and nurses we did and I'm thankful for all their dedication and hard work. The reunion is June 16th, a day after the hubby's birthday and Madison will get a chance to see a friend she shared her POD with during those 4 months. I keep in touch with her mom and we are on Facebook and have exchanged numbers so it'll be awesome to see her there. In two days Madison will be 9 months!...Adjusted 5 months. I can't believe she has been home almost 5 months it's ridiculous how time flies. I got this code from Pampers about a free father's day book from Shutterfly and I think I may do that for the hubbs for father's day EVEN THOUGH he didn't get me anything lol BUT thats okay :P

Happy Mother's Day!

I just wanted to wish all the mothers and mothers-to-be a very Happ Mother's Day!

: (

I'm feeling kind of depressed today. Not sure why but its there. I need a pick-me-up but I don't know what would do the trick :/

There hasn't been too much going on in the life of Madison, the family and I. But I have been busy with life so I apologize for not posting in a bit. Madison is almost 12 pounds if not 12 right now. She is smiling more and more each day and the talking is just adorable. Since being in the NICU for all the time and being set on one side the whole time pretty much she has been favoring one side more than the other. This has been since coming home but I never thought to mention it. ANYWAY tomorrow we have Early intervention bringing by an occupational therapist, I believe to check her out and see what her recommendations would be. To me she is moving her head more and more to the right on her back which is what we are trying to get at. Madison is an odd one...when holding her up right or if she is on her belly she moves her head both ways, its just on her back that she does the whole "I'm not moving my head that way," thing. That's where we are right now. We ended of finally changing to a difference pediatrician. Our medically insurance finally ended and we are now waiting to hear from COBRA since I sent back the paperwork. I had to spend $40 the other day to get my husband antibiotics when it otherwise would have been $7.00. I have a refill coming up for my pills and I'm scared to find out how much it'll cost. I'm no longer getting severance pay anymore and I've moved onto unemployment. Which brings on a lot of other trouble. They are trying to send me to job fairs and seminars and well HELLO I cannot out I'm the sole care taker of my child and she is still considered "disabled," I don't think they GET that. Doctor's note here I come.

BPD Clinic

Madison had her appointment on Tuesday. We finally got her sleep study results back and well...of course Mom was right she didn't need it :D AND we got another medication taken away. Now we only have 3 left :D So things are going good with her. She seems to be having a low grade fever between 99 and 100. She was pulling on her ear so we thought she could have an ear infection but he ears are all good so they brought up possible teething. So it could be that. If it goes on until tomorrow back to the doctors we go.

What is this?

I seem to be stuck in another odd period thing. Its now onto 3 weeks and counting. It has never been heavy or enough for a full out pad or tampon just enough to stain your brand new panties UGH! But I don't know whats going on...it started around the same time as last month so its some type of period right? I think another call to the doctor is in order. Who should I see this time? I saw a nurse practitioner last time?

We're back

The cruise was amazing. I had no clue what to expect. There was magic shows., hypnosis, and a bunch of other shows that were awesome. The Bahamas was absolutely breathtaking. I've never seen water so blue. We went to the blue lagoon beach in the Bahamas and my husband and I just relaxed on a hammock the whole day and it was awesome to listen to the palm trees rustle and feel the warm breeze. I wasn't in the sun much that day because I got really burnt from the beach the day before but it was great! We got back Saturday afternoon. Yesterday was a memorial service for all those who lost their lives in 2011. A friend of mine had their name called ( I think I mentioned him in a previous post) and of course my baby boy's name was called also. We lit our candles for Dexter and decorated a piece of cloth for a quilt they put together every year. It was a very nice service. A few nurses and doctors who knew us were there. We brought Madison along and she did very well a couple outbursts but overall was a good girl. Everyone came up to us and saw Madison. It was very nice :)

If you all could help me out...

Cecelia Prairie Please click that link share and pass along!

So yeah..

We had a bit of running around yesterday. The original plan was for my mom, dad, husband, baby and I to visit Dexter at the cemetery then go to the hospital and see my father in law. That didn't happened my parents had their issue so just the hubby and I went...too cold for the baby to go out unfortunately. My mom had us take along a plant to give to him and a card. The hubs had his card and I got a card for him saying "Grandpa," from Madison. I thought it would be a cute idea to add her scribbles into it. I took one of the photos with her next to the bunny and put "Happy Birthday Grandpa," on it and gave him a picture of her. Tears were shed (because of the hubby's card) and cake was eaten. It was a bittersweet moment.
Well I don't think I've mentioned this before but hubby and I are taking a well needed vacation. We've never had a "real" vacation together meaning no longer then two days in a hotel and a walk on the beach, never had a honeymoon or really any money to do anything for ourselves. I feel like after all we've been through we could use some getaway time. SO my parents offered to watch Madison for a week (I'm already having separation anxiety) and we don't leave until Saturday. Anyway its a 7 day cruise leaving from New York to Florida and the Bahamas. I was excited 3 weeks ago when I booked it now I'm just nervous about leaving her...I'm cool with my parents having her overnight and the hubs and I go out for 5 hours at a time but this is totally different now. We don't have passports so if there were an emergency we can't get back home or could afford to so now everything that could go wrong is popping u p on the brain. The calls on board are ridiculous $7.95 for a call home off the ship, Oh and that's PER MINUTE! $0.50 cents a TEXT out on my cell phone even though I have unlimited.

It is bad I told my husband we need a "Titanic Plan..."

Happy or Not

First of all I want to wish you all a Happy Easter or just a "Hello and thank you for reading!," for those of you who don't celebrate. Madison and I had a little photo shoot so I would like to share a couple photos with you all. But onto so not so awesome news...my husband found out a couple days ago that his father has lymphoma. He went into the hospital a couple weeks ago because he was having really bad pain in his face pretty much thinking he had a sinus thing and after getting his nose reposition and some nasty stuff sucked out that was their finding. His birthday is on Easter also...so thhe family and I will be going to visit. They are having a suprise thing for him with cake and all. Its hard for me to see him the way he is and I feel so awkward being there because I really don't know what to say or how to act...he and his wife were at my side daily while I was in the hospital dealing with what I had to for the babies and I feel like I can't really give that back to him because I can't have Madison really out like that. Life just knows when you tear you down.

One year ago today..

Faint second line but its there. April 2nd 2011

One year ago today I got the fainest positive on the second pregnancy test I took. First one being negative. It reassured me that the FET transfer indeed worked (for a second time) and that I was pregnant with the twins. Well it didn't say "this is a twin pregnancy," but we transferred two embryos and I knew they both took and I was for sure pregnant! It was the happiest moment but scariest moment. After knowing for sure I came up with anything that could possibly go wrong. I googled everything...and almost everything I thought of ended up happening. I ended up going to get checked soon after finding out I was probably around 5 weeks because of bleeding and I saw those two strong heartbeats so I knew they we both good and will survive at that point. Or first baby prior to the twins didn't have much of a heartbeat. I thought about bleeding, miscarriage threat being told at 14 weeks I may be 1cm dilated and that once I'm past 12 weeks the threat goes down...well hello I was past 12 weeks. I thought about my mom and how her cervix gave out on her two pregnancies prior to my birth I was the only survivor. I was about 28 weeks give or take born at 1lb 11 1/2ozs. Knowing that I made sure my OB knew I wanted to be checked right away but she didn't want to do it until I reachhed 15 weeks because thats when there would be a change and when I came to get checked that change was a HUGE one. I remember the ultrasound tech checking me and she was very quiet and asked me what I was here for and I said to get a cervical length check and she was quiet again. I remember saying "Is there something wrong? You scaring me." and she told me "you should be scared, you have barely any length left." And I remember balling my eyes out because I told him about this way early on and he just didn't understand." You all know the rest of the story so I won't repeat myself but this just brings back all those memories.
  I think I'm getting the start of my period and I kind of hoped it didn't start. I would LOVE to be pregnant again. But this is probably a good sign. I had what I thought was a period last month and this (whatever it is) has started again around the same time so maybe I'm ovulating...I don't know. For those of you who are like umm you don't know if its a period!? I never got a period before pregnancy unless it was medically induced so maybe my body is catching on and this Metformin is helping with my PCOS...

Sleep Study

Well today is the day of Madison's BIG sleep study. We almost got away with not doing it because of her being monitored at the hospital after her surgery BUT she isn't gaining enough weight it seems. So now we are mixing her formula to be 26 calories now and see how that works out. So it seems it will be just baby and I for the night. I know she'll do fine I've had her of oxygen over a month now.

Child birth again

I had a dream a few nights ago...and it was really weird. Maybe its because Dexter has been on my mind a lot, and it just kills me to think about the what ifs and 7 months later I still feel like this is all my fault and if I would have made a different decision the outcome would have been better. So here was the dream it isn't all detailed and there isn't too much to it BUT I dreamt I gave birth and after all that there was no baby. I remember giving birth to Dexter and immediately crying afterward because I knew that was the last time he would be with me. The last time he could be alive without a struggle and it was one the last and only couple times I felt him kick. My husband got a tattoo for him and its beautiful. I will get a picture up for you guys. Its a tiny baby in a womb and its sad but beautiful. I was watching it for him because its on his back and I was saying I get to wash Dexter now :) I miss him so much.

Medications...

Going away one by one! Madison only has iron, sodium, prilosec and her thyroid meds left...she used to have about 7 medications total. So she only gets meds like 3 times a day instead of 8 how awesome :D I have brought Madison up to eating about 3 ozs at a time its going pretty good. The babes should be gaining that weight like nothing now. Since I last blogged we have taken her out on two walks the weather has been awesome for it and well I think she may be starting to like them. She has been less and less fussy since the formula change and boy does that make me one happy Mom. I love sweet quiet,talking,babies :P

Beyond irritated

I'm totally scatter brained right now and I have no clue where to begin. Things with my husband and I are well...not good. He is like a child in a mans body. I don't mean for this to be a whole post about complains but let me share my side of the story.
Since moving in together and getting married I've seen a side of him I HATE, and it's his gaming and throwing away money habits. He will JUMP for anything game related but I ask to do something for the baby and its "one second," which it never happens anyway because I just end up doing it. And him and I go over the same ting all the time and nothing changes. I'm getting fed up with it all. We are living with my parents now. All he does is wake up during the week to go to school for 5 1/2 hours and its either take a nap and play video games or he goes straight to the video games. I get 5 minutes here and there of him helping with Madison and thats it. Everytime I bring it up with him I'm "controlling him," or trying to "change him," and so because he is being this way I'm not showing him any "love," or "emotion" and how am I supposed to when your doing NOTHING for me? I would go to counseling but we don't have the money for it. He works 2 - 3 days tops at you guessed it...Gamestop which REALLY pissed me off when he told me he applied there. On top of that I know he is keeping his checks and cashing them for games and not helping with bills. I'm out of work as you may know taking care of the baby and my servence pay from my job is done the first week of April so I don't know what to do. He says he doesn't want to lose me but I don't know if I can stand being with someone so very immature and just fucking stupid sometimes Ugh.

For those who asked...

Here are a few photos of Madison more recently.

Enjoy <3

Everthing is fine

Surgery went well. She hhas steri strips that hold her tiny cut closed. It turns out her little ovary was poking through her hernia. But all is well. We did do the official switch of formula. We saw the G.I doctor yesterday and Madison needed blood work to check her liver levels and if all is well there will be another medication off this list!! Fingers crossed! Sorry to those of you wondering about the surgery I hadn't had much time to update.

It is surgery day

Wow...its almost been a week since my last post I apologize! The day has come...it is surgery day. She has done well with the no actual food thing since midnight besides apple juice..Hehe she is over 9lbs and over 20 inches long now! Tomorrow we will be swicthing her formula to similac allmetum or however its spelled because sim. senitive wasnt enough. Well for all of you reading let's hope this proceedure goes well without any complications. Poor baby is getting her first spinal

It's been a while...

...since our last check in. Things have been well...very LOUD in this house. After weeks a countless calls that never got returned we went to Madison's pediatrician and pretty much demanded that her formula be changed because well Madison just wasn't a happy baby at all. I saw smile today I haven't seen in well over a month even if it was a sleep smile. I just don't think her belly was ready to digest that crap so now we have her on a sensitive formula for her belly...we started it lastnight. I'm going to try it for a week and see how she does. So we did the on air interview on the radio Feb. 18th and it went great. They ended up raising $211,000 for the children's hospital, how awesome it that!? The radio DJ said after finishing out montage he started balling...that was so sweet of him to share. I'm glad we got to share our story and that it touched so many people. Prematurity is all too real and is very serious. We started seeing Early Intervention to watch Madison as she grows and to make sure she's meeting her milestones. We also have med students coming over today, I guess her Pedi office referred them to us. Well I can't think of much else to say..oh on a totally unrelated to Madison note I'm thinking of auditioning for The Voice...maybe Hehe. Oh Oh and her surgery is rescheduled for March 2nd.