It was finally spoken aloud.

The hubby and I are going through some issues. Hes finally come clean about all the lying and other things I really don't feel like mentioning. We are going to try counseling. That really isn't what this post is supposed to be about but that is what lead to the topic of this post. Our twins, or what was supposed to be.

Initially our are miscarriage (should I even call it that? Since I got a D & C ? on paper it was called something abortion...nice isn't it?) just after 6 weeks we met up with the Reproductive Endocrinologist about 3 months later to decide our game plan. We decided on a FET cycle (our frozen embryos left over from IVF) and again we got that same paper to choose how many we wanted transferred back. Just like when we did IVF we were warned for being under 35 years of age 1 embryo is recommended to avoid a higher multiple percentage, so it was our first time going through this and well we sided with the doctor. During the FET we strongly agreed on transferring two embryos back no questions asked. I remember a few days before the transfer was to happen a someone from the lab called and said "Are you sure you want to have two embryos transferred?" I replied "Yes," and that was the end of the phone call.

We went into it hoping for just one to make it. That's what we said aloud to each other...we've never talked about that with each other before until a few days ago when all shit hit the fan. We figured, well one of them will not even grow or just not even attach early on in the pregnancy. Maybe we will just see one heartbeat and that'd be great. I'm sure if that wouldn't of really happened I'd be hurt, but that was our mindset then. We never expected for them to both we alive and well until the end, that's what hurts the most. We didn't expect to meet this child EVER. When they both stayed we were expecting to take them both home and not to have to say goodbye. We didn't expect this early delivery but we were hoping both would at least be in the NICU for a while not leave us so abruptly.

I miss you baby boy.

Today would be 30 weeks...

if I were still pregnant that is. I still get those daily emails and weekly notifications every Tuesday reminding me how far along I "should" be. If I were to have the babies now I know they'd be fine...probably only a couple weeks NICU stay, well that won't happen will it.
We saw Madison again lastnight, no eyes this time. She must have been extra tired. We found out the circumference of her head did get bigger and she grew close to 2 inches. From what the doctor said before she was sent out to Boston she was around 600ish grams and now shes 820ish grams so she is growing and the meds seem to be working for her liver. I got to changed her diaper! When I said changed her diaper last time that only meant wiping her and putting the diaper under her and the nurse did the rest. This time the other nurse walked away, I wiped, put the diaper under her fastened one side and ripped off the other fastener...so I got a new diaper and did it all again while sweating from being so nervous. It took wayyy longer than changing a diaper should, haha. My arm was pretty much on her breathing tube and I was trying not to touch her too much. I think it was the most time I spent in here touching her and moving her around a bit and she really didn't destat. After that her O2 started going up...I guess she liked mommy changing her diaper, ha :)
After seeing Madison we had to stop and get soap so we went into CVS and I was saying outloud something along the lines of "Crap I still have the prescription the doctor put in for me, ah well I don't need birthcontrol yet anyway." The doctor wants me to have a couple periods a year since I don't get any and to lower the risk of cervical cancers. And the hubby is like I hope your pregnant (I highly doubt, but wouldn't mind it) and I'm like why? He's like "I want my boy again," kind of sad. I would be extremely suprized if it "could" happen without going through another FET cycle, but again I don't think I would really know if I were.