It was finally spoken aloud.

The hubby and I are going through some issues. Hes finally come clean about all the lying and other things I really don't feel like mentioning. We are going to try counseling. That really isn't what this post is supposed to be about but that is what lead to the topic of this post. Our twins, or what was supposed to be.

Initially our are miscarriage (should I even call it that? Since I got a D & C ? on paper it was called something abortion...nice isn't it?) just after 6 weeks we met up with the Reproductive Endocrinologist about 3 months later to decide our game plan. We decided on a FET cycle (our frozen embryos left over from IVF) and again we got that same paper to choose how many we wanted transferred back. Just like when we did IVF we were warned for being under 35 years of age 1 embryo is recommended to avoid a higher multiple percentage, so it was our first time going through this and well we sided with the doctor. During the FET we strongly agreed on transferring two embryos back no questions asked. I remember a few days before the transfer was to happen a someone from the lab called and said "Are you sure you want to have two embryos transferred?" I replied "Yes," and that was the end of the phone call.

We went into it hoping for just one to make it. That's what we said aloud to each other...we've never talked about that with each other before until a few days ago when all shit hit the fan. We figured, well one of them will not even grow or just not even attach early on in the pregnancy. Maybe we will just see one heartbeat and that'd be great. I'm sure if that wouldn't of really happened I'd be hurt, but that was our mindset then. We never expected for them to both we alive and well until the end, that's what hurts the most. We didn't expect to meet this child EVER. When they both stayed we were expecting to take them both home and not to have to say goodbye. We didn't expect this early delivery but we were hoping both would at least be in the NICU for a while not leave us so abruptly.

I miss you baby boy.