Moving on

I apologize for not posting in about three months I've just been doing a lot of things all at once. Life has been getting better. The husband and I are still apart and plan to stay that way...I will be filing for divorce.

I am officially enrolled in school, I have a car and with my couple nights I get off a week I'm actually doing things for myself. I'm getting back into modeling a bit and just doing awesome stuff. I've met up with a few friends from elementary school and it was so great seeing them and catching up. I've been on a few dates but nothing really came of anything and I don't want to be tired down just yet.

*I did see your comment asking how Madison was a couple months back but forgot to respond I am sorry*

Friday, August 16th we celebrated Dexter and Sunday, August 18th we had Madison's birthday party. Monday, August 19th was her actual birthday and this child is TWO! Can you believe it!? So to answer your questions Madison is doing GREAT, she is just go go go all the time, shes starting to walk more without support, crawling up stairs and will walk up normally with her hand(s) being held.

I was going through photos months ago of her and photos of her now and it's just crazy how much she has grown! I honestly have maybe 5 photos total of her and her father...it's just sad. He came to her Birthday late for about 20 minutes. I had to ask him to sit next to her so I can take a pic. He pretty much ran out of the door with his mother and grandmother. He didn't watch her open presents, or even eat any cake. She screams when either of them hold her...I just feel bad.

They expect me to always be on them to see her and that's not something I want to do..I figure they want to see her they will be in touch...and they aren't. Her dad completely ignores me and well I guess that's how it will be.

Here are some pictures for your viewing enjoyment!

 
                   

 

MY FAVORITE!  Taken Aug 18th

ME :)
Artistic Director: Jennifer Evie
Photographer: James DeMello
Dress: Gifts to Give/ Project Cinderella

Wednesday Night

Started out nice. The husband and I decided to eat out somewhere. Not that we had the money because I'm drowning in bills BUT I think we needed it. We ordered our food and somehow Dexter came up in conversation.

The hubby started saying things like "Could you imagine if Dexter was here taking care of two kids?" and in my head I said "I sure could it wouldn't be easy by no means but maybe I'd be a lot happier than I am, maybe I wouldn't have so much guilt." I responded by saying "So your thankful we only have her huh?" Clearly that is how I took his comment and I really didn't see any other way of taking it at that time. We both clearly teared up in the restaurant. He started talking about "what-ifs," and I told him to stop. I didn't want to talk about the "what-ifs," because they weren't going to happen.

I know something deep in him is making him not feel caring towards Madison and I think it has to do with not having Dexter. I told him when I was still pregnant and after we found out about the cervical issue that there could be a possibility of delivering one twin and trying to save the other and he responded so harshly with "So it has to be Dexter, we'd have to lose him?" Something along those lines and I feel like he might blame me for his loss or blame Madison for being the survivor. Sometimes I see the unconditional love in his eyes towards her but its more not than anything.

I don't know how marriages survive losing a child because it feels like it's one whole blame game and you will always be tied together because of that loss. We never cried on each other's shoulder when we lost Dexter maybe a hug with some tears but clearly there has been no closure and no connection between us for Dexter.Maybe it's because so  much family was around that we could take our own personal time to mourn and we still can't because we still aren't alone.

Back in Time

I remember when she was born and when she was immediately wheeled away. I remember seeing her for the first time in the incubator surrounded by this squishy material to mimic the womb. Hot air was blown on her and she laid there with a breathing tube taped to her face. She laid there motionless except for the wiggling of her two big toes. She was tiny but even then full of life. She was a twin but there she was alone and there she would thrive and survive.

Who is chosen to lose a child? What are the requirements when we are chosen? Why must we need to suffer through a loss. It doesn't seem right. It seems as though it is all the good deserving people out there who are chosen. Those that just want that chance to love a child, to make a family complete. Even after the loss we are burdened with the thought. It never disappears or gets easier. It stays and it hurts and hurts. Some days or fine then other it comes back hitting a hundred times over and your shot down just like you were then. Everyone says how strong you are but that's just on the outside. If I could have just stopped everything from turning for a bit longer I would have but having a surviving child you have to love and take care of makes the world keep turning and there is no pause you have to keep living because if it isn't for yourself it's for her and she deserves it.

Dexter

Madison visiting Dexter

A year ago today I gave birth to my first born. At 2:48PM August 16th 2011 a 23 weeker came into this world weighing 1lb 4ozs. As soon as he came into this world he left. In his rememberence we released butterflies just as we did at his funeral. The only difference this time is that it was Madison's first time being at Dexter's grave and it was bittersweet. We had Madison hold a heart balloon and let it go when she felt the need and she had perfect timing. Each day never seems to get easier but I live with it. I didn't know I could feel so much for a person I've only had the chance of meeting for a couple hours before leaving a hole in my heart. Here are a few pictures I'd like to share.

Never did a timeline for the twin pregnancy...

So I feel like I should dedicate a whole post to the twins. When I found out I was pregnant and everything I went through up until the point of delivery, so I can give you all some perspective. So the twin pregnancy happened with our frozen embryos from our first IVF attempt. There will be a lot of information so enjoy! This is a compiled list of entries on a forum I was on before, during and after being pregnant from the FET cycle.

01.23.2011
IVF success and failure
Well I am now 16 days past my D&C after learning my baby died and stopped growing around 7 weeks. I'm waiting to start my FET cycle but it seems like it's too far away. I have to go in for bloodwork Friday to make sure HCG is going down as it should. My 1 week check was down to 890 so I'm hoping this 2 week check will be in the single digits.

01.30.2011
I was 3 weeks past D&C friday and HCG went down from 890 2 weeks ago to 15 so I guess they are considering this my baseline. So I started Birth control pills friday and I was told to take them a minimum of two weeks, then stop them and I should get a period. When that happends I'm supposed to call the office. So after that I have to have a sonogram, followed by another period and I'm hoping to transfer 2 blasts after all is said and done.

02.19.2011
My Update
Here is my update. I started my first period since the D&C Jan 7th thanks to bc pills. It is now over so I have my sonohysto scheduled for Feb 28th and if everything is good that day I will get off the bcps and start the patches March 2nd.

03.05.20011
I believe I will be starting patches and baby asprin tomorrow which would be day one for me so I am estimating the 25th would be transfer day.

03.22.2011
So my ultrasound and bw is tomorrow. They are going to check my lining and estrogen and all that. I'm hoping its nice and cushioney in there :P if all goes well transfer will be Monday!

Continuation after I got the call...
So all is a go for monday! They told me my lining was triple layer or whatever its called I don't know the mm of it but they told me its good. My E2 is 481 and P4 is 1.2. So I'm downgrading back to two patches and starting the prometrium tonight. The count down begins. Now I'm hoping the embies make the thaw.

03.27.2011
I'm soooo ready! Counting down the hours haha the only thing is, is I don't have a time to go in I guess they will call me in the morning. They said it should happen around 11ish boooo what a time frame. I will be sleeping next to the phone Sunday night haha

03.28.2011
To all those wondering the tranfer went great! I got a photo of the babies being transfered and they said the thaw was beautiful so April 6th is beta day. Now I'm heading home just got done eating now its nap time Side Note: I remember going out for pancakes.

03.29.2011
So I had my transfer Monday around 11:45am so I guess you can say I'm technically 5 and a halfish days into my 2WW. We transfered 2 beautiful blastocycsts and are hoping for the best when we go in for the beta April 6th.

03.31.2011
So I'm 3dp5dt and all of a sudden today I'm having some odd feeling I never felt until today. I can't really describe what it is maybe poor circulation. Could it be my two blasts...it would probably be too early for that but its something odd I've noticed. Can anyone relate?

03.31.2011
I'm still hanging in there thinking about poas just to "check" haha but I only have 2 hpts and won't be buying anymore so I have to choose the days wisely.

04.01.2011
Well I broke down an poas lastnight it was about 3.5dp5dt and I got a BFN which I knew would happen. I don't really feel down about it because I know its way early. So I will test again Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday and hope out of those days there will be a positive!

04.02.2011
So I tested again today at 7:30am, 11:45am ish would be 5dp5dtr so not quite yet and I got the faintest positive! So I will continue to poas until Tuesday and have official beta Wednesday. I sure hope everything goes fine this time around I just spent 5 minutes crying and the hubby is still sleeping. I'm so nervous! Should I move up beta date...?

04.03.2011
So I peed on the ever so mighty frer at around 9:10am and got a darker line! 3 days till beta!

04.06.2011
Official Beta Day! All preggo tests are positive now I'm hoping for a nice high strong number...thinking it may be twins
Continuation...
So I got the call and my number is 210...pretty good. I got back Friday for a repeat beta. I think I want one Monday and Wednesday also. I want to be on top of things this time because of what happened last time.

04.08.2011
2nd beta came back at 513 yay! She said it more then doubled . She said no more need to check blood. So my first ultrasound is scheduled for April 25 I will be 6 weeks 5 days so I better see some babies and heartbeats then! So far away though...

HPT Negative to Positive
3dp5dt: negative
4.5dp5dt: extremely faint positive
5dp5dt: faint positive
7dp5dt: darker faint positive
8dp5dt: very dark positive
9dp5dt: Beta #1 210
11dp5dtr: Beta #2 513

04.09.2011
I started PIO (Progesterone In Oil) shots today. After switching from the suppositories and crinone.

04.14.2011
I am FREAKING OUT. I woke up at 8am and peed had extremely light pink spotting. Half hour later it was dark red and I had cramping now it seems to be stopping but its still sitting in my mind. Last time there was tons of blood and clots...I didn't miscarry then but 5 days after that the baby stopped growing.

04.17.2011
The repeat beta was actually Friday but I decided not to go since the blood didn't get any worse. So I'm holding out until the 25th for the first ultrasound...so happy its pretty much a week away now not over 3 weeks when I started counting down. I think I may ask for bloodwork then since I have no clue what my P4 levels are.

04.18.2011
So I think I had my first dose of morning sickness today...woke me up out of a sound sleep felt really nausous but thankfully the cold made it go away.

04.21.2011 
So I haven't checked the board in a few so I will update you all. I have constant morning sickness all day no vomiting but when ever I'm hungry its back so I make sure I eat and all is well. I had another blood episode so I got checked out last night at a womens and infant trauma place. We did a quick ultrasound the lady didn't have any certifications so it wasn't as clear as I liked but there were two sacs with two babies and two flickering hearts. I just turned 6 weeks yesturday so it was a total suprize to see all this. They said it may have been from implantation so I'm going to go with it. My first realy ultrasound is still Monday so I will get to see the twins clearer and I'm hoping all is still well and that I will get my pictures the 6 week HCG was 40160 and P4 18.3

04.25.2011
I have good news!
There are officially two babies in there. One is measuring a bit smaller at 6 weeks 3 days and the heart is at 120, second baby is right on target at 6 weeks 5 days with a 128 heartbeat. Next appt. At 8 weeks 1 day May 5th then I'm off to OB...makes me nervous. I just hope everything continues to progress nicely! EDD is Dec. 13.
Update...
A few hours after the vaginal ultrasound I got some bleeding :/ still there now...I'm thinking my cervix got really irritated from it because there was a lot of pressure during the ultrasound.

05.15.2011
Hey hey! I haven't been around much...I can't believe I'm pushing it to the 10 week mark already. I had an u/s at 9 weeks and baby A looks like a small baby already it even twiched it was cute! Baby B is still a couple days behind but both are still hanging on I have my first trimester scan May 31st can't wait!

05.23.2011
I'm not-so-patiently awaiting the 31st for the NT scan just to see if my babies okay...I hope they'll let me hear the heartbeats. I will be 11weeks tomorrow...so crazy to even think about it. Has any of this ever happen to any of you? If I sneeze or cough too much it makes me want to vomit...not so pretty lol

05.31.2011
Scan went well. They both were all bouncing around heartbeats were good. Its crazy to think I'm at 12 weeks right now. I actually told everyone today.

06.03.2011
 I just tried my doppler for an hour and think we got one baby at 147-150bpm.

06.16.2011
Started the second trimester on Tuesday...I got about 4 weeks until I see my babies and find out the sexes. 2 weeks until I have a cervical length check...just to be on the safe side...hoping I could say "can I get a peek at the babies while your there"? 

07.02.2011
Since having a bleeding and cramping episode the 18th we saw the Peri the 20th and length looked great. 8 days later we went to regular OB office for length check and to my suprise my cervix was down to 1 cm with funneling give or take, after it being 3 1/2 cm 8 days earlier. So with that came some options. 1. Bedrest & Progesterone 2. Bedrest & Cerclage (highly unrecommended by Dr. Because there wasn't enoug evidence proving it would work and with the risks) 3. Induce labor to avoid having the babies early Of course 3 was totally out of the question and 1 didn't seem like enough to me. So I chose 1 and 2. I was admitted to the hospital same day monitored all night and had surgery yesturday. According to the Dr. Surgery went well and now we wait. I have my follow up Tuesday and am hoping babies still look good and no complications should arise. In the midst of all this we found out we have a little boy and girl.

07.12.2011
I had my level II ultrasound. On the positive note babies looked great. The girl is 7oz and the boy is 8oz (18 weeks today) on a not so positive note my cervix is down to .9cm now from being 1.2cm at 16 weeks. Cerclage is still in place there is still terrible funneling so its a wait and see kind of deal now and I'm scared.

07.21.2011
Had another check up today babies are good moving all around... but now cervix is down its lower and lower every week and now baby a's water bag is past the stitch. I don't know what more to do....I'm in bed all day I shower once a week I'm only out of the house for dr. appointments. Ugh

08.05.2011
Well I have an update. Wednesday I went in for surgery for a second cerclage after finding my cervix got down to .3mm and baby A's bag of water was slipping past the first stitch. So its 5 days until my follow up and I hope I get some good news this time. Its crazy. Before the surgery when I saw him Tuesday he didn't want to do another surgery and was like well I'm not going to do anymore ultrasounds since you have pretty much no cervix and to wait and see so I was like I think we need to do the surgery or I could pretty much lose the babies at any time. So I'm sure I will have more of an idea when I see the doctor Wednesday.

08.11.2011
At the appointment today they found a small pocket of fluid and his bladder was full so he is getting some fluid. They still have reason to believe his water has broken and was pushing to remove my cerclage but I decided I wanted to keep it atleast another week. So the risk of infection is high and I was admitted to the hospital and will probably be here the remainder of the pregnancy. The plus part of this is my room is private its nice and my husband can stay.

Now this is where my blog started going into more detail. I kind of put this together to remind myself of everything that's happened a long the way. With everything there are things I have forgotten I realized after going through all these posts.

With the end of July upon us...

comes August. That brings heart ache and excitement. It brings with it many emotions and memories coming back to consume me, It means I have lost my son Dexter and had another grow up right in front of me. That miracle baby that will be 1 soon enough. I know many of you have followed me from the "almost" start. I started this blog at about 18 weeks, two weeks after getting my cerclage and being put on strict bed rest.

A lot of you have been with me through the ups and most importantly the down, down and down again. It has been one hell of a ride. I'm sure a lot of the times you all thought I was nuts I've sure I've said many odd things at my low times. I know most of you have been through my gief with me and for that I'm thankful. Even looking back now whether it was on blogger or through other sites I was on I had so much support right up until shit hit the fan and even after. I always had someone to share such kind words and it helped me get to where I am today. August 16th will mark Dexter's life and dealth one short year ago. Madisons brings so much happiness and craziness to the house, I still even though I have said it before imagine what he would have been like. It would have been amazing to see them play and laugh together.

I didn't mean for this to be a downer post so lets switch it up. Madison's birthday is August 19th and well bring the creative person I am, I'm thinking of making her a cake for her birthday. I'm not talking back a cake slather frosting on it and write happy birthday on it, I'm talking a three dimensional cake. A fairy cake to be exact. With mushrooms and hills with sparkles and layers and fillings. No I have NEVER backed a cake like that BUT I know I can do it and it will be AWESOME! I'm trying to come up with an exact design in my head but it'd be harder to put down on paper. I have about 3 weeks to get it perfect. I will have to do some tester cakes in the mean time. Once I get the tools I will get to backing and show you all and get your opinions if I could.

Your Reason

I realize many of you have stumbled upon my little blog here maybe through google searching for experiences with twin pregnancies and some of you are having cervical issues and are looking for a positive outcome, and there is those of you who unfortunately have the pleasure of getting to know the nicu. I just want to say don't let my stories scare you. There is still hope regardless of your situation. My cervix failed me but in the end I had a choice and the choice that changed things and put them in a direction I'd rather have not gone was removing the cerclage that supposedly made Dexter's fluid extremely low. I say supposedly because when we thought it was time to deliver him they broke my water in the process and let me tell you there was a lot. That was the second mistake I didn't know what was happening and they broke my water which I would have decided against. My advice to you if you are in the same situation where they doctors are drilling you about infection because a cerclage may have ruptured your water STAY in the hospital and let them monitor you. Do NOT remove the cerclage unless they have positive evidence you have an infection...it can save your child's life trust me if I could go back it would have stayed put. I also HIGHLY advise any pregnant women whether or not their is history of it in the family or not PLEASE get your cervix checked at EVERY appointment every ultrasound it is very important you have a long and closed cervix to keep a healthy and uneventful pregnancy. If you happen to be one of those unlucky few who have to be put on bedrest. Don't be angry its in your child's best interest and yes it can get boring and you can become really frustrated and full of mixed emotions (read my first few posts) but it's not forever it doesn't last. I remember being admitted to the hospital at 22 weeks I was so not happy and wanting to go home and after a week it got easier and I was hoping I'd be there for much longer than I was but it was cut short and my life changed so quickly. You don't prepare because you can't...I never even thought to have someone bring me my camera...I have no others photos of my son except for the ones on my cellphone. If you are admitted to the hospital go as if its your delivery day. You don't want to miss out on the moments good or bad because regret is a bitch to live with, it eats at you. So this brings me to the nicu-ers. I had a long, hard NICU stay. I was told so many times before Madison was born that we had less than 1% of a survival rate for babies at 23 weeks and that's whith retardation, handicaps and all. As scary as that was to hear we kept hope. I distanced myself from Madison in the beginning. She was so small and frail and I didn't know how to act. I couldn't say "I love you," to her because that meant I would open myself up to be hurt. To hurt even more than I already was when Dexter passed just 3 days earlier. It took me a while to come around. I was fighting with myself I was depressed I was hurt I just lost my child and now I was going to lose her I was numb. She was stable and fighting but everyday there was something different. And I remember the nurse saying to me "get your hand in there and touch her,she needs you," and I replied "I'm scared." From that day forward I knew she did need me she needed to know I was there no matter what and that I will fight along side her, and I did I was right there through the good and the bad and the bad again. The NICU really puts a toll on you mentally and you can never be happy for a full 24 hours or tell anyone things are good because it will get shoved right back in your face and turn to just the opposite. So I guess what I'm trying to say it BE there, always. Love even though its tough because for that moment they are with you and need every bit of hope and confidence you have because they don't know what's going just that they are there and you should be too.

My Favorite IVF Nurse

...called me today out of the blue. I missed her call but I returned her call and let a message for her to call me back...lol Anyways in her voicemail she said she wanted to see how the hubby and I was doing and heard I had a tough delivery...tough doesn't begin to explain the heartache and pain and suffering trying to keep the pregnancy and get it to a much better state of viability. I must also had my RE had one of her colleges come and see me while I was in the hospital, it might have been after Dexter was born not sure to ask me if she could come and see me and I said absolutely...and see never came. Well back to the nurse she also said she wanted to follow up with me...and she wanted to hear all the details..well I will be talking your ear off most likely. I'm curious as to what she is going to ask me and what it is for. She probably might slip in and say well your insurance has covered your embryos for 2 years now you have to start paying for them. I really want to be pregnant and have another baby : / After our talk I will update you all in case you are curious.

Update: It was a nice phone call she was always so understanding. She made a point to say she wanted a picture but I told her I would bring her around and all I have to do is call ahead of time.

Child birth again

I had a dream a few nights ago...and it was really weird. Maybe its because Dexter has been on my mind a lot, and it just kills me to think about the what ifs and 7 months later I still feel like this is all my fault and if I would have made a different decision the outcome would have been better. So here was the dream it isn't all detailed and there isn't too much to it BUT I dreamt I gave birth and after all that there was no baby. I remember giving birth to Dexter and immediately crying afterward because I knew that was the last time he would be with me. The last time he could be alive without a struggle and it was one the last and only couple times I felt him kick. My husband got a tattoo for him and its beautiful. I will get a picture up for you guys. Its a tiny baby in a womb and its sad but beautiful. I was watching it for him because its on his back and I was saying I get to wash Dexter now :) I miss him so much.

Surgery and some

Well surgery was scheduled for February 15th at 10:00AM but was cancelled because I and everyone else in this house didn't feel like she was too fit for it. She still has a cold and was just extra angry these last few days so the new date is pending. The Radiothon has been going on for a couple days now and our LIVE spot it tomorrow at 3:00PM we are excited! I also emailed the guy who did our montage to see if it was ready and if he could send it to me and he did. And it brought tears to my eyes. You never REALLY hear yourself talking about it unless its recorded and played back what a big difference that makes. Here is a link to it for those of you who are interested. http://www.zshare.net/audio/99090349baf82c38/

94.7 WMAS

The radio interview went awesome. The only thing we didn't talk about well not talk about but the only thing not recorded was about going through infertility treatments and the overall struggle with this pregnancy. Important points were made. Dexter was talked about often as well as Madison and it was known that they were both very premature and that Dexter did sacrifice himself for his sister. It was a very cool experience. I was never behind a Mic at a radiostation before. We took some pictures and I asked for a copy of the montage when it is all done and so I'm waiting for that email. The actual live radiothon is next month and coming up quick. I'm glad I had the chance to outwardly thank the nurses, doctors, and the NICU team overall.

Such a strong person or so you think

I lightened the little area so you can see the orb.

I haven't really had time to just sit and make an actual post about the craziness going on in my head...so here starts the rambling. Those who know me we'll say as in can see my face to face probably look at my and say wow with everything she's been through she is so strong and handles things well. Well I wish I could say the same when I'm alone or at work with my headphones on with hours and hours of thinking time. No one knows I wake up on my days off sometimes and just sit her and cry and its not like I can call someone up and cry to them because I'm not that person. However I would like to see a therapist but can't afford it. I think about how there are similarities between Madison and Dexter and how he would look if he were at Madison's point right now. I looked over pictures of Madison I've taken and how one specific one sticked out (its on here) the one where she is bottling and holding the bottle. Then to the left of the photo there is an orb there next to here and the only thing I can think of is that is Dexter there with his sister being the big brother he should be and it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. Going through the baby shower photos from a totally different camera there are orbs in those too, possibly Dexter and other family. Some of you may think I'm crazy but its worth thinking about. Now I'm freaking out about this whole moving issue. There's just so much to do so much to pack what we have room to keep and what we have to get rid of. We have less than 14 days...how are we going to get all this done with me working weekends and Adam going to should during the week in the mornings and working too. I'm really not looking forward to living in a box with the hubs and a baby.

Is it my fault?

I find myself thinking about Dexter over and over. Wondering if I made the right decision. I feel like if I had kept the cerlcage for atleast a few more days there could have been a totally different outcome...maybe he would still be here. Its been happening a lot lately. Replaying his labor and birth. Now that I think about it maybe I should have spoken up more about what I was feeling...even though visually the nurse says I know what someone who is in labor looks like...but I knew I was. Maybe I should have said something more but what did I know it was my first time going through any of that and even still I feel guilty. I miss my sweet boy and seeing Madison growing and how beautiful she is he should be here too. I should have said something more about the contractions or when something felt off before his cord came out. I know when it was Madison's turn I made sure I let someone know about everything but it shouldn't have been at his expense. Should I have had the NICU do more for him even though he wasn't too responsive? Even though they could only get his heartrate to 80bpm with out chest compressions...should I have had them do everything to keep him alive not knowing if he was in a coma or brain dead do to lack of oxygen...I just didn't know what to do and I'm so hurt.

My mind is going crazy

We ended up seeing Madison pretty late last night after having some family over for dinner. We got there at around 9:45PM. She seems to becoming more alert. She was sleeping then I opened one of the little doors you put yourhand through (as I normally do) and talked to her and she moved around a bit and opened her eyes for me...so cute. And we kept on doing that as we both talked to her it was really sweet :) so no changed really with her. She was on 33 oxygen last night and had 25 for the vent. To kind of switch up things lastnight while I was sleeping I had a really freaky dream about Madison. For some reason she was about the size of a kiwi and was crawling around but she wasn't breathing or something like that and I was like is someone going to do something and they were saying something like do you see how her brain caved in on itself? She isn't responding to the oxygen we are giving her. And I remember holding her trying to give her some suction. Well I guess it wasn't a weird dream but nightmarish...freaky. I hate having dreams related to my babies because earlier in this pregnancy I had dreams about bleeding and they've happened that and I had a dream about having the babies really early and that happened. Ugh. Anyway onto another note we will be going to see her soon so I printed out a mini picture of Dexter to put with her to look at :) along with a picture I took of her to put on the outside. Also yesterday we came up with a baby shower date which will be November 17th since we are hoping she will be home sometime in december around her original due date. I started designing the invites and will post photos :)

Our final Goodbye

Today was the day. It was set. Friday September 9th @ 11:00am would be the time we would say our last goodbye. I woke up at 7:00am to my antibiotic pill alarm and couldn't get back to sleep after taking it. The time of our actual wake up was 8:30am, the time I woke up my husband. We started the day with a nice shower, waited for my parents to get here to start food for after the service and got ready. My husband started writing a poem for Dexter and let me tell you reading it almost made me cry, but I couldn"t I just did my make up and finished getting ready. Once my parents were here we waited for other family to get here so we could follow each other to the cemetery. 10:45am came along and it was time to go. Since it wasn't a "normal" funeral we didn't get those flags everyone gets to put on their cars to be able to go through red lights and all, we got the frustration of trying to keep up with everyone and stay together. Luckily the cemetery isn't too far from our place. So we took the right into the cemetery then took a right, and another left and I see this white tiny box all propped up, and my eyes start swelling with tears because that's him right there in the box all out for everyone to see. This is the last time he would be around us physically. My mom brought with her butterflies to let go along with a few balloons and roses for myself, my mom, dad and my husband. The funeral director asks us if we want to be here for the burial. Of course I say yes...If I weren't it wouldn't feel finalized to me. So it begins with my husband reading the poem and it makes everyone bawl. It was truely a great poem...publish worthy. He made it so it sounded like Dexter telling everyone how he feels and that things are fine. After that we released the butterflies. My butterfly didn't want to leave but eventually did. We released the balloons. I didn't say anything aloud but did in my head while releasing the butterfly and balloon. My husband actually was given the chance to but Dexter into the grave. I told him he should put his poem in the grave with Dexter so he dropped it in and we each dropped our red roses in and we watched as the grave was covered with dirt and grass was put back over. Now all we are waiting for is his stone to be made and put on his grave. I'm glad my baby boy can now rest and be at peace. Dexter Rylan will be forever missed.

If finally hit me last night...

After weeks of just going and focusing on other things, worrying about this and that. I'm burying my child. The first I gave birth to, who was alive...who was put through hell. When I finally had that chance to lay down to try and get to sleep that's what flooded my mind. I started crying. Those days in labor which I had no clue about really. His prolapsed cord, pushing through no contractions and him actually being born. Seeing him on ultrasound that last time to check progress with my pushing. NICU grabbing him to try and stabilize him to bring him upstairs to the NICU and me hearing how his heartrate is low and how it keeps dropping. I knew as soon as he came out I would loose him. And when he was born I started bawling...because that was it. NICU came down a short time later and said this would be the time to pull support because he isn't responding well at all. So we went up to see him, we decided and that was that. We held him, family held him and he was gone. They told us he was pretty much in a coma...he didn't respond to anything physically. He was born August 16th at 2:48PM and was gone by 5:20PM. I remember having him brought to our room and just having him lay next to me on the bed...he looked so sweet and peaceful. He looked so much like my husband. I can say, I am glad he held out as long as he could inside me to give his sister a chance at life, and I know he's watching over us all.

Stone accomplished, sorta.

We got up early today to get Dexter's stone situated. The phrase we originally wanted on the stone didn't fit on the small piece we have to work with. We came up with "never forgotten, always remembered as the little boy called to heaven." So we ended up having to shorten it to "never forgotten, always remembered," and there will be a little boy angel in the clouds in the corner of the stone. It is pretty black granite. But of course since there wasn't a set date with the funeral home there cemetery has no record of Dexter which means the stone orders can't be through. So we have by September 15th for the stone orders but the Dexter needs to be buried before the stone can even be set. So everything is in rush mode...but what isn't these days. Atleast they have what I want and it is paid so once things are together everything can get going quick. Overall I didn't have too bad of a day. After that was done the nurse came. I didn't even think about pumping so I didn't pump until after 2pm today and I got my usual bits. We went to go see Madison not much of a change oxygen went up slightly, usual. She had to get one of the IVs in her taken out and instead put one in her poor head but it doesn't seem to be bothering her. She had her eyes closed the whole time but was moving around like crazy, so I took a little video of her but of course she doesn't move as much as she was not being recorded. The male nurse asked me how pumping was going and I told him the truth. He said I need to relax more and pump every two hours...how is that even possible? Its like as soon as I leave the house we have to go back home to pump before we leave again. Its hard for someone who's been on bed rest for 2 months to stay home for really relax for that matter. It seems the more I pump the less I get. Why is this so difficult? I mean maybe it would be easier if she were home because as soon as she were hungry I would feed her, but knowing your really not feeding its awkward to be doing it like that.

Could it be?

I'm starting to think maybe I do have this depression thing people talk about. Today started okay but then got worse. After the visiting nurse it kind of went downhill. I pumped and got literally 2 drops of milk. We went out a bit saw my father at work the husband applied for a job. We came home to pump (trying to keep an every 2 hour schedual or as close to it as possible) so I pumped and nothing. I barely sleep at night because I have to wake up to take my antibiotics throughout my night so I try and pump as much as possible during the day. That kind of brought on everything. What kind of mom am I that I can't give some milk to my daughter and the fact that she's there because of me and Dexter isn't here because of the same reason. And my mom is still on me about oh you need to be there more for Madison...but what if I'm sick right now I'm doing all I can I feel like. I know I don't call to check on her every second or am there every second...maybe I should be I don't know what's wrong. Maybe it looks like I don't care, I do but maybe I'm still trying to keep myself no so attached encase something should happen and I don't even know why I'm saying that because I know she's going to make it. I did go see her today...only once :/ she didn't have a bad day her white blood cell count went down which was good. Still on the low setting for her oxygen and nothing much has changed otherwise. So today was a good day for Madison. On a sad note we have to go down to the memorial place to pick and design the stone for Dexter and figure out a date and time for his funeral. How do you pick these things? When do you know your ready to say goodbye?