Started out nice. The husband and I decided to eat out somewhere. Not that we had the money because I'm drowning in bills BUT I think we needed it. We ordered our food and somehow Dexter came up in conversation.
The hubby started saying things like "Could you imagine if Dexter was here taking care of two kids?" and in my head I said "I sure could it wouldn't be easy by no means but maybe I'd be a lot happier than I am, maybe I wouldn't have so much guilt." I responded by saying "So your thankful we only have her huh?" Clearly that is how I took his comment and I really didn't see any other way of taking it at that time. We both clearly teared up in the restaurant. He started talking about "what-ifs," and I told him to stop. I didn't want to talk about the "what-ifs," because they weren't going to happen.
I know something deep in him is making him not feel caring towards Madison and I think it has to do with not having Dexter. I told him when I was still pregnant and after we found out about the cervical issue that there could be a possibility of delivering one twin and trying to save the other and he responded so harshly with "So it has to be Dexter, we'd have to lose him?" Something along those lines and I feel like he might blame me for his loss or blame Madison for being the survivor. Sometimes I see the unconditional love in his eyes towards her but its more not than anything.
I don't know how marriages survive losing a child because it feels like it's one whole blame game and you will always be tied together because of that loss. We never cried on each other's shoulder when we lost Dexter maybe a hug with some tears but clearly there has been no closure and no connection between us for Dexter.Maybe it's because so much family was around that we could take our own personal time to mourn and we still can't because we still aren't alone.
Oh. Darlin. I cried a little as I read this. First let me say that I know there is no way to comfort you and tell you it will be okay...because I know that it will take you a long time to feel okay and you will forever carry Dexter in your heart, as it should be.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I probably would have reacted to his comment the same exact way! I am so sorry that you feel guilty. I hope you know that although it is crappy things like this happen. There is nothing you could have done differently.I am sorry that for some reason he feels like it should have been one over the other :-/ It must be even more terrible feeling like he isn't as loving with sweet Madison. I am sure he does love her unconditionally...but it sounds like maybe he hasn't dealt with the grief fully yet.
Third, Marriage is hard!Even when there aren't amazingly hard trials thrown in like you both have been going through. I am not sure how marriages survive either,except that you both have to work for it. Try and remember the love that was there before all of this and fight to keep it that way! I think that maybe you should think about trying some couples counseling so you can both get your feelings out there and hash out the guilt, sadness, anger, and love that has come of the loss of your sweet Dexter. It sounds like you have both been mourning separately and in your own ways, but I think it would definitely benefit you both to connect and let it all out.
I don't know how much friend support you have or if you have somewhere to vent....and I know I don't know you at all...but if you ever need to vent or just talk...email me.
Thank you for that :)
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