My mind is going crazy

We ended up seeing Madison pretty late last night after having some family over for dinner. We got there at around 9:45PM. She seems to becoming more alert. She was sleeping then I opened one of the little doors you put yourhand through (as I normally do) and talked to her and she moved around a bit and opened her eyes for me...so cute. And we kept on doing that as we both talked to her it was really sweet :) so no changed really with her. She was on 33 oxygen last night and had 25 for the vent. To kind of switch up things lastnight while I was sleeping I had a really freaky dream about Madison. For some reason she was about the size of a kiwi and was crawling around but she wasn't breathing or something like that and I was like is someone going to do something and they were saying something like do you see how her brain caved in on itself? She isn't responding to the oxygen we are giving her. And I remember holding her trying to give her some suction. Well I guess it wasn't a weird dream but nightmarish...freaky. I hate having dreams related to my babies because earlier in this pregnancy I had dreams about bleeding and they've happened that and I had a dream about having the babies really early and that happened. Ugh. Anyway onto another note we will be going to see her soon so I printed out a mini picture of Dexter to put with her to look at :) along with a picture I took of her to put on the outside. Also yesterday we came up with a baby shower date which will be November 17th since we are hoping she will be home sometime in december around her original due date. I started designing the invites and will post photos :)

What would have been 23 weeks 2 days is now 22 weeks 5 days for Madison

The funeral arragements were made yesturday aside from the fact we don't have a date because we don't know when I can be up and about. My in laws brought my husband and I a copied photo of Dexter and framed it for us that way we could have it bedside...it really meant a lot. Last night I didn't sleep well at all my mind kept racing. I was thinking about Dexter thinking about how long I can hold on to Madison before she comes. The nurses are in here constantly asking about any changes and I'm afraid to answer because any wrong response would result in us having to give birth to her also and she isn't even 23 weeks until Saturday. So far I'm on constant antibiotics and pills to try and prevent contractions. My blood pressure is checked every few hours along with my temp which has been good. They still know about the blood I'm getting but my bladder feels a bit sore and I don't want to mention that in fear of losing her. I mean I don't feel sick or anything and everything seems to be checking out okay so I will continue on. I'd have to say though lastnight was the worst for dreams. I dreamt about Dexter. They had him in some type of contraption that could "bring him back to life" I saw him twitch and felt myself starting to cry so I woke myself up out of that. Eventually when I fell back asleep I dreamt I was getting tested for something and they told me I had some type of cancer...I didn't like lastnight at all. On another note the doctors want to move me upstairs as long as everything is going well. Its kind of bittersweet seeing as I love all these nurses and everything they've done for me on this floor...maybe they will stop by and see me...I can only hope for that and Madison to stay strong and for my body to also.