Thursday, September 1, 2011
Could it be?
I'm starting to think maybe I do have this depression thing people talk about. Today started okay but then got worse. After the visiting nurse it kind of went downhill. I pumped and got literally 2 drops of milk. We went out a bit saw my father at work the husband applied for a job. We came home to pump (trying to keep an every 2 hour schedual or as close to it as possible) so I pumped and nothing. I barely sleep at night because I have to wake up to take my antibiotics throughout my night so I try and pump as much as possible during the day. That kind of brought on everything. What kind of mom am I that I can't give some milk to my daughter and the fact that she's there because of me and Dexter isn't here because of the same reason. And my mom is still on me about oh you need to be there more for Madison...but what if I'm sick right now I'm doing all I can I feel like. I know I don't call to check on her every second or am there every second...maybe I should be I don't know what's wrong. Maybe it looks like I don't care, I do but maybe I'm still trying to keep myself no so attached encase something should happen and I don't even know why I'm saying that because I know she's going to make it. I did go see her today...only once :/ she didn't have a bad day her white blood cell count went down which was good. Still on the low setting for her oxygen and nothing much has changed otherwise. So today was a good day for Madison. On a sad note we have to go down to the memorial place to pick and design the stone for Dexter and figure out a date and time for his funeral. How do you pick these things? When do you know your ready to say goodbye?
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I have been reading along for a bit now and is saddened by all that you have been through. I have been in a very similar place as you have. I too was pregnant with Twins. However, I did not have to say good bye to one of them. I had them at 27 weeks. They were so tiny. At 7 days old, one was emergency transfered to the big city hospital and needed life saving surgery. I was torn. I was torn with post partum issues, recovering from a c-section (which I opened my exterior incision THREE times), not being able to drive, husband went back to work immediately.
ReplyDeleteIts hard. Its not easy. There is no way to explain how to find a balance. You will just do what you can do. I called several times a day. There were times when I could only get to see one baby, there were times when I couldnt make it to see either baby. I felt like I was torn in so many directions.
I too had issues with pumping. When my milk dried up another set of emotions hit me. Just know that you are doing all that you can. You are doing all that you know you can do at this moment.
I passes out at the big city hospital after a week of running to both hospitals every day all day. I passed out cold on the NICU floor. At that point, they told me NOT to come back for a couple days. They even told the other NICU what happened. They reassured me that I am only human. I can only do but so much. I needed to recover from child birth. I needed to recover from a c-section.
I know this comment is getting very long, however, one last thing. We had to say good bye to two sons. We had to sign paper work, pay fees, fill out paper work from head stones. It is one of the worst feelings in the world. It is unnatural to have to make final arrangements for your child instead of making nursery decisions. We did this twice. Once in 2006 (our first baby) our twins were born in 2008, then we had to say hello and then good bye just 45 minutes later to our 4th son this past April.
Just know, that you are doing the best that you can. You are doing all that you can.
Erica F.
Thank you for sharing that with me :)
ReplyDeleteWith the baby I lost, the funeral was about a week after we lost him. I standing over his grave (and being pretty numb) and my mom telling me that I needed to let him go. That got me so angry and I cried.. not because I was upset or letting go.. because I wasn't ready. That happens with time.
ReplyDeleteThings are so crazy for you right now, you keep bouncing from one issue to the next. When you have time to think about everything that's happened and processed it a bit, you will know when you're ready to let Dexter go. Right now you're still running in crisis mode.
Your mom just wants to 'fix' you because you're her baby. They just don't know what to do and sometimes say the wrong things. Just know that you're doing the best you can in a very tough situation.