Monday, November 7, 2011
Is it my fault?
I find myself thinking about Dexter over and over. Wondering if I made the right decision. I feel like if I had kept the cerlcage for atleast a few more days there could have been a totally different outcome...maybe he would still be here. Its been happening a lot lately. Replaying his labor and birth. Now that I think about it maybe I should have spoken up more about what I was feeling...even though visually the nurse says I know what someone who is in labor looks like...but I knew I was. Maybe I should have said something more but what did I know it was my first time going through any of that and even still I feel guilty. I miss my sweet boy and seeing Madison growing and how beautiful she is he should be here too. I should have said something more about the contractions or when something felt off before his cord came out. I know when it was Madison's turn I made sure I let someone know about everything but it shouldn't have been at his expense. Should I have had the NICU do more for him even though he wasn't too responsive? Even though they could only get his heartrate to 80bpm with out chest compressions...should I have had them do everything to keep him alive not knowing if he was in a coma or brain dead do to lack of oxygen...I just didn't know what to do and I'm so hurt.
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We do the best we can in these types of situations. We're not perfect and we obviously wouldn't do anything to hurt our babies on purpose. You did the best you could do. I had my son at 23 weeks because his foot prolapsed after his water broke. We decided not to try to revive him because the chances of survival were so low at that point. Plus during delivery his heart stopped beating.
ReplyDeleteWas that the best decision? I don't know.
I do know that I spent the next couple of years rehashing each and every decision that led up to that point. The more I tried to figure out what went wrong, the more I realized that sometimes bad things happen. I did the best I could and fought for as long as i could. No one knew my body was going to give out the way it did.
What I could do is make sure that next time i was pregnant I knew more about what was going on and what I could do to prevent those types of issues. I couldn't fight to save the baby I lost anymore, but I could save his brothers. I delivered all 3 of them between 38 and 40 weeks.
No it doesn't fix what happened, but I do have my family now. They make me very happy. I know without losing Ian, they wouldn't be here at all.
Thank you for that :)
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