Could it be?

I'm starting to think maybe I do have this depression thing people talk about. Today started okay but then got worse. After the visiting nurse it kind of went downhill. I pumped and got literally 2 drops of milk. We went out a bit saw my father at work the husband applied for a job. We came home to pump (trying to keep an every 2 hour schedual or as close to it as possible) so I pumped and nothing. I barely sleep at night because I have to wake up to take my antibiotics throughout my night so I try and pump as much as possible during the day. That kind of brought on everything. What kind of mom am I that I can't give some milk to my daughter and the fact that she's there because of me and Dexter isn't here because of the same reason. And my mom is still on me about oh you need to be there more for Madison...but what if I'm sick right now I'm doing all I can I feel like. I know I don't call to check on her every second or am there every second...maybe I should be I don't know what's wrong. Maybe it looks like I don't care, I do but maybe I'm still trying to keep myself no so attached encase something should happen and I don't even know why I'm saying that because I know she's going to make it. I did go see her today...only once :/ she didn't have a bad day her white blood cell count went down which was good. Still on the low setting for her oxygen and nothing much has changed otherwise. So today was a good day for Madison. On a sad note we have to go down to the memorial place to pick and design the stone for Dexter and figure out a date and time for his funeral. How do you pick these things? When do you know your ready to say goodbye?