The doctor

I saw my doctor (the one who delivered my babies) *love him*. It was to check out my incision. He said he doesn't think they should be packed anymore, just to keep it clean bandage it and let it heal. Awesome. But now I miss my nurse :/ we also talked about "birth control," eh I'm not really interested. I think it would be great and amazing to make a baby on our own but really I'm not counting on it working out that way. We also talked about a permanent cerclage for the next pregnancy and he was completely against it and any cerclage unless with this "singleton" pregnancy there is reason to believe my cervix will act up...so we will see on that. I also asked about a prescription to help with my milk supply and he's said its been years since he's given anyone anything because he really hasn't seen improvement with any of the medications and the side effects of them aren't good, but he will check into it. I forgot to ask him the all important question too, when is it okay to resume activities? Haha its been so long! BUT I guess I will have to wait to ask that Sept.19th at my postpartum visit, boo. I really think I'm at the point of giving up. I'm not pumping at night only during the day but even with that I should atleast be getting 5ml every pump...I'm way below that. The consultant said to pump through the night but that only stresses me out thinking about it and I'm trying to get all the sleep I can. I told her I would try it until I meet with her on Saturday but my son's funeral is friday and I have way too much on the mind. It would be different if Madison was here and I would have to get up and feed her, otherwise I have no motivation...ugh.

So yesterday after countless calls to see my MFM doctor to take a look at my incision and change the dressing a nurse finally got in touch with me after the office hours were over (thanks a whole lot) what she told me was well I didn't get the messages we can't see you today you will have to make an appointment for tomorrow um no. I've had these openings packed for over 24 hours and I don't think they need to be in any longer. So she says well let me call some doctor that is there to see what he says. (he's the one who had me go to the trauma place the night before) so I hang up with her. Then I get a call from a different nurse I tell her the story and she's like well you need to be seen today (thank god) so she says go into the office. After I hang up with her the other nurse calls back and tells me to go back to the trauma area and I tell her are you sure...I just talked to so and so...she says yes there is no room so as I'm walking out the door the proactive nurse calls back and like she said go to the office not the trauma area (thank you) so I do. They don't have any room but do fit me in and use an ultrasound room which is cool. So we go in there she tells me it doesn't look like infection but the drainage does need to come out. So she cleans me up packs the parts of the incision that are open and that kills like usual. After she tells me we Ned to set up appointments with a visiting nurse because it does have to be cared for so after calling a bunch of people who don't do "postpartum" visits, which by the way wound care has nothing to wound care. But anyways he finally found a company that made an acception to come help me out yay! So after all that we saw Madison some positive news is they said he murmur is now considered small and that they won't do anymore for it unless there is a need for it. So it needs to stay this way. Otherwise she's been up and down on her oxygen and respirator like usual. She blood gases still iffy but what can you do. She still looks sweet :) today is actually the first day im fully on my feet. The only downfall is my back is killing me. I also had my first visit with the nurse today she was really nice and actually came in hugged me...really sweet.

The hurricane, Incision, Hospital & Madison

Well I woke up this morning to pee as usual still having a hard time getting out of bed but that is usual now. I didn't take any pain meds and it was well over the 6 hours. Anyway I went to the bathroom pulled down those horrid face hospital underwear removed the pad that covered my incision and well it wasn't pretty it had a lot more stuff on it in an area I thought was good. So I peed stood up put a new pad over it and suddenly I felt a warm sensation and some salmonish discharge came pouring out onto the floor so I immediately put more pressure on it and was kind of in a freak out mode. Woke up my husband told him what happen and of course he's like oh its probably nothing (because he's freaking out about going out in the hurricane, tropical storm whatever it is) but it was serious enough for me. He's the one who had to clean up the mess on the floor. So we call the on call doctor again he says you can come in or wait like he did yesterday so today I felt I couldn't wait until Monday. So we go in (they said we were expecting you) ha yeah. So I go in get changed into the johnny and the nurse looks at it and says oh you do have a lot going on there so I'm like yeah its gross. I can't really see the incision myself so I have to rely on others. So the doctor comes in and looks at it and agrees with what the nurse says. She takes some q tips and checks the incision so see what parts look good and where the draining is coming from. She says some parts need to be packed in order to heal. So where there was a lot of drainage she kind of clears it with a q tip and it hurts so bad and this is coming from someone with an oddly high pain tolerance. She says she sees some redness and there is obviously pain there so she packs that first and that's when the tears start flooding it was terrible. The other ones I didn't notice but man that was bad. So she sends me home with a different pain med and antibiotics to take for 2 weeks and some hospital dressing which im sure work a hell. Of a lot better than the pads to cover it. So after that we figure since we are at the hospital already we would go up to the NICU to see our Madison. They ended up taking the little tent off her in the incubator now she is just in the incubator no extra coverings. The nurse did say she had a bad morning but she is stable now and has started her second round of meds to get rid of that murmur. She looked fine I hate how they put in the breathing tube with my babies mouth all stretched...ah well. It is day number 9 Madison has been NICU bound and counting.

Always something

Today hasn't been too great of a day I planned to go see Madison but one area near my incision from the c section has been killing getting up or moving off and on. So I thought since I haven't been able to shave the hair is getting long and maybe the strips I have along the incision may be pulling at the hair. So I decided to shower to make me feel better so it doesn't feel too tight and it does. But then I put my hand in the area and feel something gooey. I haven't had anything happen like that and it is day 8 since the surgery so I have no clue what it is or if it is normal. There is absolutely no smell to it at first it looked a little orangey maybe a couple yellow areas around the orange stuff. So then I put a paper towel there for a bit again and it was pink salmonish with a speck of goo. So I called up the on call doctor and as he said its hard for me to say without seeing it. (Apparently he's tried to get intouch with me for hours, damn phone) just heard from him now. So he said to go to Womens & Infants trauma tomorrow because its getting late tonight or even wait until Monday, but if I'm really concerned to go anytime. So I think I may wait it out until Monday. I feel bad not seeing my baby though : / I really feel robbed of my pregnancy experience there was never a time where I could be happy because everything went wrong. I never got to have that baby belly or wear maternity clothes. I never got to have my own baby shower before the babies came. There was never any reassurance things would be okay I was worried every second and that will continue until Madison comes home then there are other things to worry about.