GYN

Well I had my appointment yesterday. She told me to keep taking Metformin to help with the PCOS and to avoid fatty and sugary foods, easier said than done. Oh and I'm severely overweight...almost morbidly obese actually. I weigh more now than I ever did even more so than when I was pregnant. That's like a punch in the face right there...PCOS if not treated early can make you become overweight because of the insulin resistance. Your body doesn't use the sugar it builds up as fat. Maybe if I can just cut back on what I eat and get to the gym for a few this would all work in my favor. I've never exercised while on Metformin so I'm sure it will work its magic a lot sooner with exercise. Oh and the blood pregnancy test...negative.

Disgustingly Hot!

Well we had our first counseling session yesterday. It kind of feels good to get things out to someone else. Hopefully we will dive in more deeply next week.

On top of all that it was disgustingly hot yesterday. It was in the 90s but felt in the 100s. It was muggy and humid. Unfortunately our A/C died in the car at the end of last summer. We tried buying this thing that recharges your A/C or does something to it (I don't know) and it didn't work...we looked at the fuses they were fine and well my husband's friend thinks it's our compressor...yeah like I have $500 to blow on the part, not even including labor. I don't know what we are going to do if this is how summer is going to be.

 This is day two of nastiness. We can't put Madison in the car with it being like this. This car is going to be paid off in November and while I REALLY don't want anymore car payments, I might just have to get another one or trade this one in. We really could use another type of transportation though. I doubt I would even be accepted for a loan since I'm not working.

After all the car business we came home and went to bed around 11PM. Well I tried to anyway...I had these HORRIBLE cramps eventually I feel asleep though. Guess what!? Still no period, well I shouldn't say period because I didn't know what that was last time but no blood speckles lol.  I messed up on the date of my GYN appointment and it's today so I'm still going to try and ask her if she could do some blood work just to be sure whether or not pregnancy exists...I'm pretty sure not. I am going to tell her I thought I saw a faint positive so she will want to check.

PCOS

Well I have it for those of you who don't know. I have pretty much everything that goes with it. I thought my period would be normal after delivery but it is again gone. So I called up my Reproductive Endocrinologist to meet with her and talk about things I can do to control this maybe get my cycles going without birth control pills or provera. My husband and I are probably going to start going to the gym since I've been pretty much immobile since being pregnant with the twins. Te bedrest did a toll on my body. I don't move enough because I'm at home with the baby I have pretty much everything I need in this room. I see her in about 3 weeks.

It was finally spoken aloud.

The hubby and I are going through some issues. Hes finally come clean about all the lying and other things I really don't feel like mentioning. We are going to try counseling. That really isn't what this post is supposed to be about but that is what lead to the topic of this post. Our twins, or what was supposed to be.

Initially our are miscarriage (should I even call it that? Since I got a D & C ? on paper it was called something abortion...nice isn't it?) just after 6 weeks we met up with the Reproductive Endocrinologist about 3 months later to decide our game plan. We decided on a FET cycle (our frozen embryos left over from IVF) and again we got that same paper to choose how many we wanted transferred back. Just like when we did IVF we were warned for being under 35 years of age 1 embryo is recommended to avoid a higher multiple percentage, so it was our first time going through this and well we sided with the doctor. During the FET we strongly agreed on transferring two embryos back no questions asked. I remember a few days before the transfer was to happen a someone from the lab called and said "Are you sure you want to have two embryos transferred?" I replied "Yes," and that was the end of the phone call.

We went into it hoping for just one to make it. That's what we said aloud to each other...we've never talked about that with each other before until a few days ago when all shit hit the fan. We figured, well one of them will not even grow or just not even attach early on in the pregnancy. Maybe we will just see one heartbeat and that'd be great. I'm sure if that wouldn't of really happened I'd be hurt, but that was our mindset then. We never expected for them to both we alive and well until the end, that's what hurts the most. We didn't expect to meet this child EVER. When they both stayed we were expecting to take them both home and not to have to say goodbye. We didn't expect this early delivery but we were hoping both would at least be in the NICU for a while not leave us so abruptly.

I miss you baby boy.

Can't I just buy Prenantal Vitamins without being questioned!?

So this story goes like this. I need some vitamins in my life so I decide on prenatals they are the best to take ANYTIME so who not? My mom somehow sees this box from them and it freaking out asking if I'm pregnant I mean I guess one would get the idea but the box says BEFORE,DURING, and AFTER pregnancy. Since I can't get pregnant on my own if I were I think I would shout it from the rooftops...SERIOUSLY.

Just to prove them ALL WRONG (the husband included) I buy a two pack of pregnancy tests First Response to be exact. I take it and what do you know...NEGATIVE. I kind of put a little water on it to wash some of the escaped urine on the window off. I set it down and wake up this morning decide to take a look at it and its now a faint positive. WTF!? So my brain isn't comprehending any of that. I NEVER have had a negative turn positive and First Response is all I've ever used (besides the cheapies and I've never even gotten that one one of them).

BUT now I'm thinking well maybe the water seeped into the window and made it turn positive (it could happen right) So after seeing that I busted out the second test and that is negative...for now right? I'm keeping it to see if it changes. So if it changed or not I have my annual GYN appointment coming up the 19th so I will ask for a blood test then to see whats officially up.

NICU/CCN Graduates Reunion

It was this past Sunday and it was great! Everyone was coming up to us to see Madison it was awesome. They were so happy to see her and I was so happy to see them. They gave my daughter life. There was a few people I didn't get to see but I will go back and see them. Her primary doctor actually remembered what POD she was in...out of alll those babies he remembered hers...Madison was the problem child in the NICU haha but it was nice he stopped us to talk with him.He commented on how great she looked. We also saw another doctor the one who came down to us to let us know "this would be the time to stop all efforts," (regarding Dexter) she was also the doctor who took care of me when I was a preemie so we had some history. Even though she was on our team of doctors when Madison was in the NICU she still came by and spoke with us. We have some type of unspoken connection. We took some pictures with a few nurses and with her. Madison also saw her POD buddy. Her mom, Madison, her daughter and I sat with each other and talked about what each of our babies are doing now and that at some point we should meet up and have them play together. I have to get the pictures on here at some point so once they are I will get a few up here. Upon checking in they gave us a little backpack type thing that has an Eeeor (pretty sure I spelt that wrong) a little t shirt for Madison that says "NICU Graduate) and a little book. So sweet they gave us things for here. I submitted a couple pictures for the reunion and they had them up in a slidshow on the a projector. I just can't believe how hard this little girl fought to stay her, she just amazes me everyday.

Happy Father's day, fathers...

yeah like any men read this blog. ANYWAYS Father's day was fine until a close to 7PM after we were at my father-in-law's house for a cookout when Madison started throwing herself and crying uncontrollably. Yeah so I never got to eat had to take it home the hubby had a couple burgers and we were there maybe an hour...I feel like crap for leaving but Miss Madison didn't want to nap before we got there and it was an all out fuss war. Atleast we showed up right?

Your Reason

I realize many of you have stumbled upon my little blog here maybe through google searching for experiences with twin pregnancies and some of you are having cervical issues and are looking for a positive outcome, and there is those of you who unfortunately have the pleasure of getting to know the nicu. I just want to say don't let my stories scare you. There is still hope regardless of your situation. My cervix failed me but in the end I had a choice and the choice that changed things and put them in a direction I'd rather have not gone was removing the cerclage that supposedly made Dexter's fluid extremely low. I say supposedly because when we thought it was time to deliver him they broke my water in the process and let me tell you there was a lot. That was the second mistake I didn't know what was happening and they broke my water which I would have decided against. My advice to you if you are in the same situation where they doctors are drilling you about infection because a cerclage may have ruptured your water STAY in the hospital and let them monitor you. Do NOT remove the cerclage unless they have positive evidence you have an infection...it can save your child's life trust me if I could go back it would have stayed put. I also HIGHLY advise any pregnant women whether or not their is history of it in the family or not PLEASE get your cervix checked at EVERY appointment every ultrasound it is very important you have a long and closed cervix to keep a healthy and uneventful pregnancy. If you happen to be one of those unlucky few who have to be put on bedrest. Don't be angry its in your child's best interest and yes it can get boring and you can become really frustrated and full of mixed emotions (read my first few posts) but it's not forever it doesn't last. I remember being admitted to the hospital at 22 weeks I was so not happy and wanting to go home and after a week it got easier and I was hoping I'd be there for much longer than I was but it was cut short and my life changed so quickly. You don't prepare because you can't...I never even thought to have someone bring me my camera...I have no others photos of my son except for the ones on my cellphone. If you are admitted to the hospital go as if its your delivery day. You don't want to miss out on the moments good or bad because regret is a bitch to live with, it eats at you. So this brings me to the nicu-ers. I had a long, hard NICU stay. I was told so many times before Madison was born that we had less than 1% of a survival rate for babies at 23 weeks and that's whith retardation, handicaps and all. As scary as that was to hear we kept hope. I distanced myself from Madison in the beginning. She was so small and frail and I didn't know how to act. I couldn't say "I love you," to her because that meant I would open myself up to be hurt. To hurt even more than I already was when Dexter passed just 3 days earlier. It took me a while to come around. I was fighting with myself I was depressed I was hurt I just lost my child and now I was going to lose her I was numb. She was stable and fighting but everyday there was something different. And I remember the nurse saying to me "get your hand in there and touch her,she needs you," and I replied "I'm scared." From that day forward I knew she did need me she needed to know I was there no matter what and that I will fight along side her, and I did I was right there through the good and the bad and the bad again. The NICU really puts a toll on you mentally and you can never be happy for a full 24 hours or tell anyone things are good because it will get shoved right back in your face and turn to just the opposite. So I guess what I'm trying to say it BE there, always. Love even though its tough because for that moment they are with you and need every bit of hope and confidence you have because they don't know what's going just that they are there and you should be too.

My Favorite IVF Nurse

...called me today out of the blue. I missed her call but I returned her call and let a message for her to call me back...lol Anyways in her voicemail she said she wanted to see how the hubby and I was doing and heard I had a tough delivery...tough doesn't begin to explain the heartache and pain and suffering trying to keep the pregnancy and get it to a much better state of viability. I must also had my RE had one of her colleges come and see me while I was in the hospital, it might have been after Dexter was born not sure to ask me if she could come and see me and I said absolutely...and see never came. Well back to the nurse she also said she wanted to follow up with me...and she wanted to hear all the details..well I will be talking your ear off most likely. I'm curious as to what she is going to ask me and what it is for. She probably might slip in and say well your insurance has covered your embryos for 2 years now you have to start paying for them. I really want to be pregnant and have another baby : / After our talk I will update you all in case you are curious.

Update: It was a nice phone call she was always so understanding. She made a point to say she wanted a picture but I told her I would bring her around and all I have to do is call ahead of time.

College Bound

Five years after high school I am now applied to college. My plan is to take the prerequisites for nursing & sonography that way I could do both. I've decided I'd like to be a NICU nurse, a nurse that works with high risk pregnancies and babies, or a nurse that works in the infertility office. Hmm I wonder where that idea came out..? I figure it's a field I know a good deal about having had first hand experience in all of the above. So I'm hoping to start taking a couple summer classes next month. I'm just waiting for my acceptance letter and to schedule the classes and take the placement tests...I'm so not looking forward to the math portion..I'm HORRIBLE at it anyone care to tutor me? I'm being serious!

*Shamless Plug* I'm adding more to So I'm Infertile please those of you who are infertile please join and lets make it a happy place to be!

Similar to any of you?

Can I get some insight here...so I told you about the bleeding doing a disappearing act on me...still happening even now. Anyway I took another cheapie preggo test yesterday still negative. I woke up today to my daughter wanting to be fed and some serious cramping while feeding her I had this really strong cramp. What is going on? I'm probably really naive to think any type of pregnancy could happen this late in my cycle or lack thereof right?

So I'm Infertile...

So I'm Infertile is my domain name for the infertiles and newly infertiles out there. It isn't complete but I got a basic forum up for now in order to be up and running. I wish I had more web design experience unfortunately I've forgotten all I used to know about it. So this was pretty much a press and click installation of a forum. Anyways please feel free to browse the boards maybe sign up and say hello, share a story whatever it is you feel like. Thank you in advance!

Early Intervention Friday

Well my suspicions were right. She is pregnant. The last couple times she came to the house for Madison I thought she might have been and today she was like "well in the fall I will be on maternity leave at some point," I KNEW IT! ...I'm a bit jealous but good for her, sort of.

I don't know what has been up with me lately...remember when I was complaining about the odd spotting/blood for weeks and months on end? Well around May 3rd I had it again it only lasted 8 days so I was thinking to myself AWESOME maybe I will have a normal every month, week lasting period thing...well it is now June 11th and I haven't gotten a thing. Just a smear here and there but NOTHING...and yes I have gone the pregnancy test route and well nothing there either as of last week. I was using the cheapies, the ones you dip into the cup that have a max line to dip up to. So what the hell is up!? Seriously I'm bummed I don't have a period and bummed I'm not pregnant.

Anyways since I know some of you ladies follow me from the births boards and some are infertile I am putting a site together a forum for the infertile I know there are a couple out there but there aren't many and I feel like this should be someone people should know about and not be afraid to talk about it. I bought the domain yesterday and I'm just trying to get things set up now. I hope you all will check it out once it is up and running.

A couple pictures as PROMISED!

The first three are from a couple weeks ago and the last three are from today at the lake.

Early morning visit to the lake

We being my husband, mother, father and I took Madison to the lake for the first time. She put a bathing suit on and her feet in the water for the first time...it was so cute! She was kicking around and putting her toes in the sand...just adorable! She did pretty good. We brough her play mat along that comes out of her pack n' play with dangly toys to play with so that way if she got fussy she could play or sleep or just lay down and it worked, haha. I have picures to follow soon.