Unmotivated

I seriously can't get motivated to pack here. I managed to whip out a bunch of things from our bedroom closet and well it's been sitting there for a few days. I've walked in and out of the bedroom just moving a couple things and I'm just not feeling it. There is WAY too much to get out of this place and I'm such a huge procrastinator and my husband just puts everything off, hes at school  now and I can't ask for his help. Ugh!

On the road to home we go...

but who knows exactly how long that will take. Madison is a 38 weeker

That TINY thread was thee oh so famous PICC line.

meaning her due date is in exactly 2 weeks from today. Her PICC line was removed yesterday and I was there to witness it. It literally looked like a thread, which was going into a major artery right above her heart. This morning around 6:30AM she was moved to CCN and its so different there. Everything seems a bit more quiet and no so fast paced. There were a few dings here and there but even then it seemed really calm. I went in for 3:00PM to do her usual feeding and they had already fed her. She took 18ccs and the rest down her tube. I was a bit upset because I woke the hubby up from his nap to rush and get down there to feed her and it was already done. The nurse did say to me she was up and looking for a bottle so I guess it was good they are trying to do it on her time more so than on an exact schedule. She is making me a bit nervous lately. When I've held or or my husband holds her after a while her heart rate drops a bit and her O2 levels and she sometime self corrects it and she seems good and it happens again then I get freaked out and I put her back in her bed and shes better. Last night I was holding her and she was acting up and her was dinging for a while and there was a nurse near by and didn't even turn around to see if she was okay. She was dipping into the 50s for her O2 level which should be 91+ and she didn't come over until I was like "Her oxygen is really low," and she was like "Oh shes coming up." By then she was in the 80s still dinging and shot back down to the lower 70s still dinging so I put her back, and I could have sworn her lips looked a bit blue to me. How am I going to know whats happening when we go home? Or if she is home on oxygen and a monitor how will I even enjoy being home with her when I'm just going to stare at her monitor making sure everything is going okay.







Such a strong person or so you think

I lightened the little area so you can see the orb.

I haven't really had time to just sit and make an actual post about the craziness going on in my head...so here starts the rambling. Those who know me we'll say as in can see my face to face probably look at my and say wow with everything she's been through she is so strong and handles things well. Well I wish I could say the same when I'm alone or at work with my headphones on with hours and hours of thinking time. No one knows I wake up on my days off sometimes and just sit her and cry and its not like I can call someone up and cry to them because I'm not that person. However I would like to see a therapist but can't afford it. I think about how there are similarities between Madison and Dexter and how he would look if he were at Madison's point right now. I looked over pictures of Madison I've taken and how one specific one sticked out (its on here) the one where she is bottling and holding the bottle. Then to the left of the photo there is an orb there next to here and the only thing I can think of is that is Dexter there with his sister being the big brother he should be and it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. Going through the baby shower photos from a totally different camera there are orbs in those too, possibly Dexter and other family. Some of you may think I'm crazy but its worth thinking about. Now I'm freaking out about this whole moving issue. There's just so much to do so much to pack what we have room to keep and what we have to get rid of. We have less than 14 days...how are we going to get all this done with me working weekends and Adam going to should during the week in the mornings and working too. I'm really not looking forward to living in a box with the hubs and a baby.

I'm just going to call it, 5lbs

As of 8pm-ish last night Madison weighed in at 4lbs 15.4ozs...she is 5lbs to me. She had her last dose of antibiotics lastnight and is on full feeds 38ccs. She has only been taking 10ccs from the bottle the last day or so, so they are giving her some rest and just putting it down the tube. Her PICC line should be coming out today YAY!!! We got a little tour of the CCN (continuing care nursery) and was showed a possible spot for Madison with the best nurses :) so it looks like just a matter of days before she is moved over there. All we have left or should I say all she has left to do is take her full feeds by bottle and we are on our way home...that and I hope they can get her off the oxygen fully.

It's happen....

We got our eviction notice today. We only have 14 days to leave. Even though we called our apartment's voicemail saying we needed to figure something out and never got a response except for our eviction notice. So we owe October & November's rent at $675 so that's a little over $1300 I absolutely don't have to after we got the letter we again left a message saying they can keep last and security as payment and I guess we will leave it at that and my husband,baby (eventually) and I will stay at my parent's tiny apartment and all three of us will sleep in a 2x4. On the upside Miracle Babies sent us a check for for $350 to help with things for Madison so that is awesome...we just won't have any room for much but still good to get formula and other things. So Madison is up to 31ccs (1 ounce and 1cc) she is 4lbs 11ozs and they are lower her canula flow daily and are still upping her feeds 1cc every 6 hours and her new goal is 37ccs. She has a couple days of meds left and once she is at her goal for feeds her PICC line should be out. She had an eye exam and is starting to show some signs of issues with them so she is going to get another check this week. If there are any issues it is an easy fix they say its pretty much like getting lasiks.

Every 6

After that minor set back we had Madison is back to where she was on her canula a quarter liter 100% oxygen and as of lastnight at 24ccs of formula the goal is 29ccs. They are upping her feeds by 1cc every 6 hours so by tomorrow around 6AM she should be at 29ccs and if that goes well her PICC line should be coming out then she might be moved to CCN. They will watch her feedings and growth after that and see how she does. I got trained on a couple meds of her lastnight and we signed up for a CPR class for her. She is 37 weeks 2 days and at 4lbs 9ozs which means her due date is in 2 weeks and 5 days...I'm really hoping she comes home on or before her due date hopefully off oxygen totally. So far so good.

Definitely an infection

Infection number....yeah I lost count. She was put on two strong antibiotic meds so it seems to be working and lowering her numbers. She was extubated Friday night and was put back on the low flow canula at 1 liter and she is at 26% oxygen the last I've heard. Last time they had her on 100% and was lowering the liters so I'm thinking they may just try and get her to room air (21%) and go from there. They started her feeds again yesterday at 3PM but she back at 5ccs and will hopefuls move more quickly this time. I fed her a 5cc bottle last night and she is still in the big girl bed. So we just really need her feedings to be up there and her gaining weight from them so she can get off her IV (PICC line) and come home. I'm really hoping they will start upping her feedings more quickly since she was doing good at 15ccs. As you know we did have the baby shower for here I will have pictures at some point. It went well but no one that I invited came : / just one friend of mine one family member (besides my parents and my husbands dad and step mom) and the rest were my moms friends...I was kind of dissapointed. Ah well...can't change it.