Possible exploratory surgery...

I can't remember if I posted about how Madison's tummy is extended and they found a possible fungal ball or cyst by her liver BUT her blood culture has been positive for 2 different bacterial infections and she's been on the best antibiotics for it and there hasn't been a change. On top of that she hasn't pooped in over a week so if something doesn't happen by Monday they are thinking about doing exploratory surgery to see if they can find something they could fix. They think it could be a bowel infection. The positive for today she is still stable and pooped on her own *yay* So hopefully things will be looking up now. Meanwhile they are waiting on results from her belly scan earlier to see if things have changed and are looking into maybe a different antibiotic that could help. I did decide today after 3 weeks of trying, that this breast feeding well pumping thing just wasn't working out for me. I have about 70 bottles at the hospital with my drops in them and that should hold her off for a little since she isn't getting any feeds now and when she does they will be extremely tiny so they would work out for her in the beginning. I just can't do it and I do feel bad for giving up but its so stressful for me. I would have to run home every two hours to get nothing in return for my time and effort. I feel like it would be a different story like I said before having the baby with me. So next pregnancy (that will be fullterm) I will try again and hope for a different outcome.

I never did get that call from the lactation consultant. But while we were visiting Madison the nurse got in touch with one and of course there was only one there because of the holiday so she couldn't come up and see me but I did get a chance to talk to her over the phone. She suggested I'd try massaging my breasts...which I do before I pump...and nada. She said I could try mother's milk tea, which I haven't yet seeing as I'm not a big tea fan so I chose to try funugreek. I figured I really don't have to worry about tasting those so why not give it a try. I picked some up today. She also said I could ask my doctor for a prescription I think she called reglan...so I will on Wednesday when I get my lovely incision checked out. I also did order the smaller breast shields which I hope works out. Kind of sad the hospitals don't carry the smaller size...but have mini things for preemie babies go figure. Well anyways we saw Madison he belly swelling seems to be going down some. There was a blood culture that did come back negative and some other blood tests showed her white blood cell count up a bit so no huge changes but we definitely know she's fighting something. I was told they had to bag her last night and this morning which kind of worries me a bit. For those of you who don't know what that means its when they have to manually pump air into her lungs without the use of the machines. Scary stuff but she seemed okay while we were there for the most part. Her heartrate did go down drastically at one point but the nurse removed some fluid that was in her tube and she was fine after that.

Stone accomplished, sorta.

We got up early today to get Dexter's stone situated. The phrase we originally wanted on the stone didn't fit on the small piece we have to work with. We came up with "never forgotten, always remembered as the little boy called to heaven." So we ended up having to shorten it to "never forgotten, always remembered," and there will be a little boy angel in the clouds in the corner of the stone. It is pretty black granite. But of course since there wasn't a set date with the funeral home there cemetery has no record of Dexter which means the stone orders can't be through. So we have by September 15th for the stone orders but the Dexter needs to be buried before the stone can even be set. So everything is in rush mode...but what isn't these days. Atleast they have what I want and it is paid so once things are together everything can get going quick. Overall I didn't have too bad of a day. After that was done the nurse came. I didn't even think about pumping so I didn't pump until after 2pm today and I got my usual bits. We went to go see Madison not much of a change oxygen went up slightly, usual. She had to get one of the IVs in her taken out and instead put one in her poor head but it doesn't seem to be bothering her. She had her eyes closed the whole time but was moving around like crazy, so I took a little video of her but of course she doesn't move as much as she was not being recorded. The male nurse asked me how pumping was going and I told him the truth. He said I need to relax more and pump every two hours...how is that even possible? Its like as soon as I leave the house we have to go back home to pump before we leave again. Its hard for someone who's been on bed rest for 2 months to stay home for really relax for that matter. It seems the more I pump the less I get. Why is this so difficult? I mean maybe it would be easier if she were home because as soon as she were hungry I would feed her, but knowing your really not feeding its awkward to be doing it like that.