One of those bad days they tell you about

Today started as it normally would well my "now" normal life. I got up around 9am to be ready for the visiting nurse. So we decided after that was done we'd go for a drive maybe visit my mom or my husband's grandmother and wait to see Madison because my moms close friend, well kind of a family friend wanted to see her around 5pm. So we visited his grandmother she took us to breakfast and we visited with her a bit. We came home I pumped then we went out again grabbed some bedding for our ferret. We went back home and I pumped again (not getting much milk in so im trying to help it along). Then it was about the time to go see Madison. So we got there and my parents were there seeing her so they came out and the lady at the front desk was like let me check with her nurse. She came back and was like go wash up and I will page the doctor because I believe she wanted to talk with you. So immediately we were like well that's not good. So we go in and the nurse informs us that her morning wasn't great at all. There was suspicion of infection like you may know. So they sent out a blood culture which came back positive for yeast in her blood, so they removed her PICC line which really was needed and are trying to keep the two IVs they have in her hands going as long as they can, because like mommy Madison has no veins either. So that equals a scary big deal for a baby that small. So they started her on the meds needed to try and kill the bacterial infection and a fungal infection. So they will do a culture everyday to figure out if it is a bacterial or fungal infection and choose which direction to go in. They said it takes a while to kill an infection like this up to 4 weeks. The nurse says she's seen babies come out of this and die because of this but because Madison is her normal feisty self they don't see it really messing with her so they are hoping they caught it early enough to treat it. So she was up and down with her oxygen and respirator and for some reason they decided to try a different machine on her and apparently she likes it alot. Instead of her oxygen being at 80% to 100% it is at 35% which is great. Oh oh oh! And I saw my babies eyes! So precious I almost cried everytime she opened them. Now it wasn't full on eyeballs but she open her eyelids just a bit so I can see them sparkle :) and that was the highlight of my day.

So yesterday after countless calls to see my MFM doctor to take a look at my incision and change the dressing a nurse finally got in touch with me after the office hours were over (thanks a whole lot) what she told me was well I didn't get the messages we can't see you today you will have to make an appointment for tomorrow um no. I've had these openings packed for over 24 hours and I don't think they need to be in any longer. So she says well let me call some doctor that is there to see what he says. (he's the one who had me go to the trauma place the night before) so I hang up with her. Then I get a call from a different nurse I tell her the story and she's like well you need to be seen today (thank god) so she says go into the office. After I hang up with her the other nurse calls back and tells me to go back to the trauma area and I tell her are you sure...I just talked to so and so...she says yes there is no room so as I'm walking out the door the proactive nurse calls back and like she said go to the office not the trauma area (thank you) so I do. They don't have any room but do fit me in and use an ultrasound room which is cool. So we go in there she tells me it doesn't look like infection but the drainage does need to come out. So she cleans me up packs the parts of the incision that are open and that kills like usual. After she tells me we Ned to set up appointments with a visiting nurse because it does have to be cared for so after calling a bunch of people who don't do "postpartum" visits, which by the way wound care has nothing to wound care. But anyways he finally found a company that made an acception to come help me out yay! So after all that we saw Madison some positive news is they said he murmur is now considered small and that they won't do anymore for it unless there is a need for it. So it needs to stay this way. Otherwise she's been up and down on her oxygen and respirator like usual. She blood gases still iffy but what can you do. She still looks sweet :) today is actually the first day im fully on my feet. The only downfall is my back is killing me. I also had my first visit with the nurse today she was really nice and actually came in hugged me...really sweet.

The hurricane, Incision, Hospital & Madison

Well I woke up this morning to pee as usual still having a hard time getting out of bed but that is usual now. I didn't take any pain meds and it was well over the 6 hours. Anyway I went to the bathroom pulled down those horrid face hospital underwear removed the pad that covered my incision and well it wasn't pretty it had a lot more stuff on it in an area I thought was good. So I peed stood up put a new pad over it and suddenly I felt a warm sensation and some salmonish discharge came pouring out onto the floor so I immediately put more pressure on it and was kind of in a freak out mode. Woke up my husband told him what happen and of course he's like oh its probably nothing (because he's freaking out about going out in the hurricane, tropical storm whatever it is) but it was serious enough for me. He's the one who had to clean up the mess on the floor. So we call the on call doctor again he says you can come in or wait like he did yesterday so today I felt I couldn't wait until Monday. So we go in (they said we were expecting you) ha yeah. So I go in get changed into the johnny and the nurse looks at it and says oh you do have a lot going on there so I'm like yeah its gross. I can't really see the incision myself so I have to rely on others. So the doctor comes in and looks at it and agrees with what the nurse says. She takes some q tips and checks the incision so see what parts look good and where the draining is coming from. She says some parts need to be packed in order to heal. So where there was a lot of drainage she kind of clears it with a q tip and it hurts so bad and this is coming from someone with an oddly high pain tolerance. She says she sees some redness and there is obviously pain there so she packs that first and that's when the tears start flooding it was terrible. The other ones I didn't notice but man that was bad. So she sends me home with a different pain med and antibiotics to take for 2 weeks and some hospital dressing which im sure work a hell. Of a lot better than the pads to cover it. So after that we figure since we are at the hospital already we would go up to the NICU to see our Madison. They ended up taking the little tent off her in the incubator now she is just in the incubator no extra coverings. The nurse did say she had a bad morning but she is stable now and has started her second round of meds to get rid of that murmur. She looked fine I hate how they put in the breathing tube with my babies mouth all stretched...ah well. It is day number 9 Madison has been NICU bound and counting.

Always something

Today hasn't been too great of a day I planned to go see Madison but one area near my incision from the c section has been killing getting up or moving off and on. So I thought since I haven't been able to shave the hair is getting long and maybe the strips I have along the incision may be pulling at the hair. So I decided to shower to make me feel better so it doesn't feel too tight and it does. But then I put my hand in the area and feel something gooey. I haven't had anything happen like that and it is day 8 since the surgery so I have no clue what it is or if it is normal. There is absolutely no smell to it at first it looked a little orangey maybe a couple yellow areas around the orange stuff. So then I put a paper towel there for a bit again and it was pink salmonish with a speck of goo. So I called up the on call doctor and as he said its hard for me to say without seeing it. (Apparently he's tried to get intouch with me for hours, damn phone) just heard from him now. So he said to go to Womens & Infants trauma tomorrow because its getting late tonight or even wait until Monday, but if I'm really concerned to go anytime. So I think I may wait it out until Monday. I feel bad not seeing my baby though : / I really feel robbed of my pregnancy experience there was never a time where I could be happy because everything went wrong. I never got to have that baby belly or wear maternity clothes. I never got to have my own baby shower before the babies came. There was never any reassurance things would be okay I was worried every second and that will continue until Madison comes home then there are other things to worry about.

A bit of a scare

Went to go see Madison around 2:00pm today and we got the semi good news about the murmur. It got smaller from the first round of meds but is still there. So they started a second round which we hope will do the job if not we have another round to try then there will be talk of surgery which I hope doesn't need to happen. So when the murmur DOES close it should help with her lungs and they should be able to ween her off the respirator and oxygen a bit better. When I went in I was told they were able to lower her settings a bit which is good so about 10 minutes after hearing that we were told her blood gas wasn't too good (which is normal) so they would have to higher it again but it wasn't d one soon enough. We were standing there when her heart rate dropped significantly and I was on the verge of tears the nurse just walked away and I was begging my husband to get someone and she walked back over. I saw her heart rate go from 150 to the low 100s even dipping to the 70s. The nurse had to go in and reposition her a bit and move her and it took forever but she did get back up where she should. I was just thinking to myself we got this far and I couldn't handle loosing her too. But on a positive note she had another head ultrasound and it came back negative. She is still having a bit of blood in her tube but they said her blood cloying isn't an issue and its not bothering her so that is okay. We still haven't found out much about the mysterious infection that is or isn't...they did put in her PICC line and are going to remove the umbilical cord lines so that infection can be reduced in that area a whole lot. I didn't get to see her eyes earlier being that they were covered and she was under her light so we will be going again in a few hours so I can see what I've been missing.

how are you feeling losing one baby and having the other in the NICU?

My answer remains the same. Nothing. I'm still in shock and it doesn't feel real. And since I've had the time to think about I really hadn't had much time to grieve for Dexter being that I was trying to stay positive for Madison and it was really only one day I had to cry my eyes out and everything was then focused on her and trying to carry her a bit longer so she would have a chance. And then it was about her for the remaining 2 days until she came and since then it has been all about her. I mean sure we have to figure out when his funeral will be and get his stone situated but I'm really numb to it all. I don't know if I should be feeling this way. My mom keeps saying you know if you need someone to talk to or want to talk I'm here but I don't have anything to say...she says she doesn't want me to hold it in...but I have no clue where "it" is going I just don't know. I'm not depressed I don't think I'm just going about my day each and every day.

On to day 6 of being in the outside world

We went to go see Madison today I didn't go see Madison for the second times yesterday because I think I may have been out too much and was in a lot of pain, but anyways we saw her today and she has the usual ups and downs of oxygen. I dropped of milk they will freeze for her until she can eat it. She completed her medication for the heart murmur thing and she had her echocardiogram so we will have to call for the results. The nurse did say the doctor listened to her heart and still thinks he can hear the large murmur. So hopefully the meds will eventually take effect so she doesn't have to go through surgery.

Madison still continuing to do well

So as you all know she was born. Today she would be 24 weeks 1 day...not sure if they still count it. At 7:12PM will be day 5 of Madison's life. Since being put in the NICU she has responded very well. She still is on a small amount of oxygen it fluctuates from day to day but is within 28% - 32% which is very good. In between that she does take her own breaths. She was weighed yesterday and was 1lb even so a loss of 3 ounces which isn't bad. Her skin is drying out because of the amount of fluid loss which is bound to happen, but thatthakes way for new skin to come. They did find a hole in her heart. A vessel in her heart that is supposed to close at birth but at her age it hasn't yet. She got her first round of medication last night for that to try and help it close. They would like it sooner rather than later like I would so they can ween her off everything sooner. She has had a couple head ultrasounds and they have come back good no major bleeding or anything. Madison does have to have blood given everyday because of the amount that is taken for multiple daily testing. Earlier in the week they found some blood back up in her tube which we were assuming was from irritation. Since then there hasn't been anything bright red like that so we are satisfied. Since day one I've been trying to pump for here giving her bits of colostrum and even up unit yesterday I did. Around 10PM ish last night something happened to one of my nipples and milk just started free flying yay! Also something very cool I called the medical part of my job to find out about my maternity leave and the free breast pump they sent. I got mine last night and its worth $299...I was surprised such a nice high tech double pump...for free.

with every end comes a new beginning

Well I was told today they wanted to order an ultrasound to take a look at my cervix which is awesome yet terrifying. I've been waiting for that since about 9am. In about 38 minutes it will be a whole 48 hours since Dexter's birth. We put in his birth certificate info and I'm waiting for the lady to get back so we can sign it. We had a little scare last night. I started contracting and I was having more pressure when standing so I had an exam and was told I was 5cm dilated and if I wanted a c section it would be soon. I was then exmained again and was told I was 3cm and they didn't feel bulging membranes so we made it through the night. The next day August 19th was fairly quiet contractions here and there. Pain and contractions got noticeably closer together and stronger around 6:00PM ish so I got examined manually and with an abdominal ultrasound which showed I was about 7cm dilated Madison was breech and her legs and hips were almost on their way out so again if I wanted a c section it was now. And I agreed so a flood of nurses, doctors, and other people came in asking a bunch of questions to get things moving along. I was told not to move one bit because once she is near the vagina there would be no point in doing a c section. So I was preped and ready to go. Wheeled in given the spinal all set up and hubby came in. Everything was so quick one difference this time around was when she came out (I couldn't see her) she was moving all around, and opening her mouth. The other good things were she ended up getting the full dose of the steroid shots and the magnesium sulfate. Her heart rate at birth came down to 90bpm and immediately stabilized her to 120s +. Little Madison Jade was born at 7:12PM August 19th 2011 just 3 days after her brother. And it seems her big brother is looking out for her.

What would have been 23 weeks 2 days is now 22 weeks 5 days for Madison

The funeral arragements were made yesturday aside from the fact we don't have a date because we don't know when I can be up and about. My in laws brought my husband and I a copied photo of Dexter and framed it for us that way we could have it bedside...it really meant a lot. Last night I didn't sleep well at all my mind kept racing. I was thinking about Dexter thinking about how long I can hold on to Madison before she comes. The nurses are in here constantly asking about any changes and I'm afraid to answer because any wrong response would result in us having to give birth to her also and she isn't even 23 weeks until Saturday. So far I'm on constant antibiotics and pills to try and prevent contractions. My blood pressure is checked every few hours along with my temp which has been good. They still know about the blood I'm getting but my bladder feels a bit sore and I don't want to mention that in fear of losing her. I mean I don't feel sick or anything and everything seems to be checking out okay so I will continue on. I'd have to say though lastnight was the worst for dreams. I dreamt about Dexter. They had him in some type of contraption that could "bring him back to life" I saw him twitch and felt myself starting to cry so I woke myself up out of that. Eventually when I fell back asleep I dreamt I was getting tested for something and they told me I had some type of cancer...I didn't like lastnight at all. On another note the doctors want to move me upstairs as long as everything is going well. Its kind of bittersweet seeing as I love all these nurses and everything they've done for me on this floor...maybe they will stop by and see me...I can only hope for that and Madison to stay strong and for my body to also.

23 weeks too young.

* Excuse the spelling errors I was on my cellphone at the time.*
Before the whole umbilical cord ordeal earlier that morning I was given steroid shots to try and mature the babies lungs. Fast forward to the umbilical cord thing all family has left and it was just my husband and I he was incharge of calling everyone. To needless to say at that point the baby had to come now, but like before...no contractions. They brought in an ultrasound to be at bedside to check baby's progress through the birth canal. Baby was still in by his chest like the previous day. Oddly enough I had no pain pushing or anything. So right away we began pushing one after another and he seems to be moving somewhat. The doctor has his hands putting pressure to where I should push as the baby was moving down. The only uncomfortable part was the pressure he applied while the baby's head was coming out and that was that. So we talked to NICU many times over the past couple days and come up with a place to resesitate and if he doesn't respond well we would take him off it and not put him through anymore. Because of the cord prolapse. He wasn't getting enough oxygen and his heartrate went down into the 60s after being born and worked on for a few minutes they managed to get it into the 90s not good enough for a baby who is supposed to be at 120 - 150bpm. He is the most precious thing let me tell you! Before taking him I got to see him and was told someone from the NICU team would be down to let us know when we could see him. Meanwhile the plan after we was born was to try and keep Madison with us so they tied up the cord high left the placenta in and we are hoping she will stay there for a few more weeks. After two cerclages he really doesn't think one will do much at this point being there is still risks for infection without it even. After birth my cervix closed up to 2.2cm and I will leave it at that. Back to Dexter. Someone from the team did come down and she said based on our wished she thinks now would be the time to stop all efforts. So we go to see him and touch and talk to him and we made the decision there. He was unresponsive. His heartrate was steady in the 80s and there was no oxygenation even with help. They said they did an x ray on his chest and it was pure white. He wasn't holding his blood pressure and it was so heartbreaking to see but he was so perfect. Tiny nose, the softest feet and the cutest mouth ever. He had my fingers :) so we got pictures taken of him and with him. Took him off the breathing tube and moved him into a private room that way everyone had a chance to see and meet him. A lady came into check his heartrate and it was immediately in the 60s just like when he was born so we knew it was only a matter of time. What made it easier on us was that he looked so peaceful, just as if he were sleeping and happy. About 1~5 to 20 minutes later she checked his heart again and he was gone. Born at 2:48PM August 16th 2011 and died the same day at 5:20PM. I believe he was here and is here to protect us and his little sister because he is the big brother now. We got to bring him down to our room with us and just be with him it was nice. They dressed him and allowed us to keep the clothes. They took a pictures of him with a stuffed puppy and we got to keep that as well. Something that was really sweet was they made a clay heart and put his and and feet impressions in it along with his foot prints on paper. I had no idea they would do all this for us. It being a terrible experience those things made it tolerable.

Not sure where I left off

Well as you all know I was admitted into the hospital Thursday to be watched for infection because of the choice I made to keep the stitch in. So friday comes around and we see the doctor and talk about everything over and over again and my husband and I talk and decided we would remove the stitch to lessen risk of infection. That was done and as soon as it came out I was 1cm dilated and was to continue with strict bed rest only bed pan privillages. Which brings us to saturday no contractions no anything. Sunday comes along and the contractions start up getting progressively worse and I asked to be checked even though they were reluctant because of a risk of infection they do so and tell my I'm 5cm dilated with buldging membranes. So through out that day I was given 3 IV shots to take the edge off the contractions and I was checked again around 11:30PM and was told then I was 8cm dilated and I went to bed. Monday comes I was having so contractions no where near as bad as Sundays and I'm checked again 10cm dilated baby was low and his head was at the top of my vagina. So without any contractions because he is so low I should be able to push him out no problem...I pushed for 45 minutes the had his water broken and nothing. I was encouraged to be "normal" get up walk around. Nothing happened that night so bed time came. Now yesterday August 16th marked what my first baby's due date would have been had he/she not died at 6 weeks...weird huh? Well I got up early as I normally would not being home and I felt some discomfort...what I've been feeling but not too regular. This being my first time in labor, I have no clue what to look for. I was having some back pain cramping off and on. I kind of noticed some every 5 minutes but never decided to call the nurse because like the past days its never amounted to anything. So it eventually goes away and I take a walk with my mom and husband to try and rush things along we get back and I go pee I come out and feel something strange in my vagina. I brush if off I have to make a BM a few minutes after which I do I peed also so while wiping there's more blood like there is supposed to be and something isn't right...I get up look in the mirror and its Dexter's umbilical cord coming out. I yell for my husband and he runs out and grabs everyone. That is where this journey started.

22 weeks 4 days

Well I supposed I'm well overdue for an update. Well from my last post as you may or mayn't know it was to check on Dexter to see if there were anymore fluid. They did find a bit of fluid and his bladder was full so he was still producing urine which is good. Both babies had good heartbeats in the 150s. After that the fill in doctor came in to discuss options especially the one I "picked" with my doctor before leaving which was to remove the cerclage and wait.So I told him I didn't feel comfortable removing it right then so he said he wanted me to be admitted to the hospital to be watched for infection and put on a couple rounds of antibiotics (which would have happened if I. Removed the cerclage anyway). So I say okay but I will be back later after I eat pack a bag and wait for the husband. We end up coming back to the hospital and was admitted around 9pm. Not much happened they checked heartbeats started an IV and antibiotics and that was that.

Fastforward to yesterday still being monitored on IV, antibiotics all that and we get to talking to the doctor again and it kind of sheds new light so the original decision. We don't know what kind of infection I could get with membranes being "possibly" ruptured and a stitch in place. There is a possibility of maternal death which would for sure lead to fetal death. He said there is nothing that can be done for the babies but there is something to lower your risk which would be to remove the stitch. So we sat and thought and decided he was right and decided to go through with it. Before even removing it he made sure we talked to the NICU doctors about what our plans would be if intact he or both babies were born in the next few days and at 22 weeks there really isn't much of a chance. It sounds so heartless but it had to be asked. If we lost Dexter would Madison be able to be saved and he said it depends on the outcome. We talked about if he were born would efforts be made to save him and they said usually at that gestational age we let the parents, or family members hold the baby until he/she passes.
That was really hard for my husband and I to take but it could be reality. We talked about what happens after and funeral arrangements if it were to come to that and it was just so much.

So the plan is with the NICU team is if he is born we want them there, and if it were possible we would like to save Madison. So after that was said and done my stitch was removed and I automatically dilated to 1cm and membranes could be seen. Which brings me to today still in the hospital on bed rest. I had some type of cramping espisode on and off earlier today but it has seemed to stop. I don't know where I am today dilation wise and they won't check unless they really need to. I am hoping to stay quiet and nothing changing for a few weeks or more. Well that is my amazingly long update until tomorrow. Oh and one more thing at the ultrasound Dexter was 1lb 4 oz and Madison was 1lb.

22 weeks 1 day

So as you may have guessed by the last of post yesterday I didn't have the appointment I hoped for. I went in excited only to leave a train wreck. Cervical wise I'm up .3mm which is good but now that is the last of my worries. They were looking ever the babies everything good heartbeats movement until it came to fluid check and Dexter. He has very low fluid and to top it off they can't prove I've broken my water not through the strip test or under microscope. They wanted to inject a blue dye into Dexter's amniotic sac and have me wear a tampon to se of I am leaking fluid but because how he is positioned...its impossible. So yesterday I made the choice of waiting a day go back today check on fluids and if it hasn't gotten any better to remove my stitches...but since I've had the time to think about it I don't want that. He also put on the table to induce....um no. Right now I have no sign of infection but the doctor wants to treat it as though I did break my water and let nature take its course but for me that means have an inviable or two. To top it all off my doctor is going to be away so we made the "plan" yesterday and I don't know if I can go through with it. If he is still alive I want to try and see if I could take some antibiotics for a week then come back get checked over and get the steroid shots at around 23 weeks 2 days....its close enough to 24 anyway. I really am just scatter brained and I have no clue what to do. I mean I guess there "could" be a bright side of look there is a decent amount of fluid now, see you next week, but you can bet I'm not holding my breath. Appointment @ 2:30...let's see what my future will hold.

21 weeks 6 days / 22 weeks

I'm feeling positive about this appointment Wednesday. I'm hoping to be able to breathe a sigh of relief if that means me still being on strict bedrest so be it. I hate not knowing what's going on. Yesterday at my appointment with the cardiologist went okay I guess. They did the EKG and obviously my heartrate was higher than normal...they never did say what it was but my husband said it was 140, but the doctor said he doesn't hear anything abnormal the rate is just high so I had to get some blood work to check my thyroid and see if in anemic I think there was another test but I don't remember. I was also scheduled for an echocardiogram I think is what its called. Its pretty much an ultrasound of my heart. Anyways I see my babies tomorrow!

21 weeks 5 days

Tomorrow is my heart appointment, supposed to be getting an EKG hoping nothing is irregular. Wednesday is my post op / cervical length follow up. The nurse said when making the apointment he would want a quick ultrasound which is good for me I will get some cervical numbers and hopefully both babies are doing good especially Dexter since he had to deal with all the distrubance beig that he was right there. I'm feeling good no pain in the area and the spotting ad all has completely stopped. I will be 22 weeks tomorrow which means 2 weeks until I can get the steroid shots for lung development, and a total of 4 weeks to reach my first goal of 26 weeks. I've been thinking about babyshower stuff now but in the back of my mind I feel like I shouldn't be thinking about it at all...I don't know if I'm being selfish or realistic I mean nothing is certain and I would hate to have a ton of baby stuff with no babies. Then I was thinking well if we made it to 2 weeks then have a shower but what if they come right after I won't have anything for them BUT the reality is if they do make it to 28 or maybe a week after...they will most definitely be in the NICU for sometime so maybe after they are born. I feel so guilty not feeling excited about them or getting too attached because I don't want to loose them...ugh.

21 weeks 4 days

I'm hoping I'm "that" case where pretty much against all odds this procedure worked successfully. Twins, incompetent cervix, barely any cervix and two surgeries later it was a success. I want my doctor to even be surprise. I want to be the one that had all this done and be an advocate for future women going through the same thing, I want to say there is a chance and to not give up. I would love to be able to tell a story like that. Bring it on Wednesday I want my good news :)

21 weeks 2/3 days

I figured I would merge both days since I didn't post yesterday. Well day after the second cerclage I'm feeling pretty good there was a lot less blood then 5 weeks ago when I had my first. The only time I had to take pain meds was at the hospital and that was it, that was similar to last time. I called all my doctors yesterday made my follow up appointment to get the cervical on Wednesday...I'm excited. I also called my OB and apologized for missing my appointment on Wednesday because I had survey which I thought my perinatal doctor would have told but he didn't and she was fine with that. She doesn't want to see me unless the Peri thinks I should. I honestly don't see why I should still see her now when it seems the Peri is taking better care. As for other appointments I have my EKG on Monday to see what my heart is doing...I hope I'm okay in that departmentm

21 weeks 1 day

Today started off with a call from my high risks doctor's nurse at around 8:45AM saying after thinkinag it over my doctor decided to go through with the surgery as I was to go to the surgical center when possible so I got ready and that's what I did. I got there a little after 9:0AM and registered. Last nights I was thinking about all the what ifs and everything that could be positive about this surgery again. It was so quick this morning I couldn't really process it and maybe that was a good thing. I went in got all situated and went in for surgery around 11:00AM and was out at around 12:30PM. The surgery felt like it took a while and it did he seemed confident in his work. Its funny before surgery he came in and said how he was going over everything in his had and actually found an article from this year where 21 weekers in my situation with drooping membranes either decided on doing another cerclage or not. Those that did not didn't make it past 22 weeks and those the chose another cerclage made it to 27 weeks so in a way that kind of made the surgery more favorable to him which made me happy. He also said he did talk to two colleagues. Of his about doing the surgery and one said it was completely out of the question while the other said he would go ahead and try it. Now I'm just hoping this one works as it should and there are no complications. He did say after the final exam before leaving the OR that he felt my cervix was long and closed...I kinda want to know what this "long" means, as I went into the or with .3mm of cervix left... Well I'm going to take it easy and give the office a call tomorrow to schedule a follow up although even after it I'm not going to believe a word until there is an ultrasound that gives me a measurement. I also forgot to mention I saw this beautiful monarch butterfly before going into the surgical center this morning and it flew right in front of us I'd like to think that was our baby we lost at 6 weeks watching over us and his/her brother and sister...it put a smile on my face.

21 weeks

Five days ago I had my cervical length follow up and was told I was .5mm but it was more like 4.88mm. Today he said not much of a change either this week (in 5 days) but the shortest measurement was around .3mm so like I said before I would bring up the topic of having a second cerclage placed, which I did. Like before he was against it like the first one but did tell me this time when he did the manual exam he could feel the bag of water past the stitch now. So I feel like its only a matter of time now.

 I was upfront and plain out asked him if I didn't have this cerclage placed do you think I'd still be here right now and he said no that he though the membranes would have ruptured by now which I agreed with him about. So far this stitch has given me 5 weeks and I'm hoping with another stitch I could get another 5+ weeks if there are no complications. A second stitch is the only thing I feel would by more time since the bag of water is going past this one, I feel like there isn't anymore time to waste. This time he would use a balloon to life the bag of water up and stitch around the cervix and tool that holds the balloon then deflate it. I just need to be shown which direction to take I want to know this is the right one.

So I think I will leave it up to the doctor this time he said he will talk over my case with the other doctors tomorrow and that he would get back to me tomorrow and let me know if I will be going in for surgery. If he is still against it I will still feel the need to push it so maybe using his opinion won't work...I don't know. I don't want to have these babies too early my goal is to get to 26 weeks and maybe even past that. I saw them on ultrasound today and they were beautiful.