22 weeks 4 days

Well I supposed I'm well overdue for an update. Well from my last post as you may or mayn't know it was to check on Dexter to see if there were anymore fluid. They did find a bit of fluid and his bladder was full so he was still producing urine which is good. Both babies had good heartbeats in the 150s. After that the fill in doctor came in to discuss options especially the one I "picked" with my doctor before leaving which was to remove the cerclage and wait.So I told him I didn't feel comfortable removing it right then so he said he wanted me to be admitted to the hospital to be watched for infection and put on a couple rounds of antibiotics (which would have happened if I. Removed the cerclage anyway). So I say okay but I will be back later after I eat pack a bag and wait for the husband. We end up coming back to the hospital and was admitted around 9pm. Not much happened they checked heartbeats started an IV and antibiotics and that was that.

Fastforward to yesterday still being monitored on IV, antibiotics all that and we get to talking to the doctor again and it kind of sheds new light so the original decision. We don't know what kind of infection I could get with membranes being "possibly" ruptured and a stitch in place. There is a possibility of maternal death which would for sure lead to fetal death. He said there is nothing that can be done for the babies but there is something to lower your risk which would be to remove the stitch. So we sat and thought and decided he was right and decided to go through with it. Before even removing it he made sure we talked to the NICU doctors about what our plans would be if intact he or both babies were born in the next few days and at 22 weeks there really isn't much of a chance. It sounds so heartless but it had to be asked. If we lost Dexter would Madison be able to be saved and he said it depends on the outcome. We talked about if he were born would efforts be made to save him and they said usually at that gestational age we let the parents, or family members hold the baby until he/she passes.
That was really hard for my husband and I to take but it could be reality. We talked about what happens after and funeral arrangements if it were to come to that and it was just so much.

So the plan is with the NICU team is if he is born we want them there, and if it were possible we would like to save Madison. So after that was said and done my stitch was removed and I automatically dilated to 1cm and membranes could be seen. Which brings me to today still in the hospital on bed rest. I had some type of cramping espisode on and off earlier today but it has seemed to stop. I don't know where I am today dilation wise and they won't check unless they really need to. I am hoping to stay quiet and nothing changing for a few weeks or more. Well that is my amazingly long update until tomorrow. Oh and one more thing at the ultrasound Dexter was 1lb 4 oz and Madison was 1lb.

19 weeks 6 days

I'll be 20 weeks tomorrow. I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that this could all end really quickly. The baby A's bag of water is dipping past the stitch and I really don't see a good outcome. I'm pretty sure soon it will cause me to dilate and the water will break and could cause me to loose one or both babies which I can't even imagine going through right now. Everone is saying be positive please be positive but I don't think they understand the severity of the situation let alone whats really going on. Its more than just lay down and you'll be fine which I think is what they are thinking.
  My husband's grandmother said to me yesturday I feel so bad you have to lay down it must suck, yes it does but then she goes on to say its bad enough being pregnant now you have to be in bed. No, its bad when you can't get pregnant on your own go through extensive fertility treatments to get pregnant to loose the baby, then go through the treatments again get pregnant think everythings okay when its not, having a shitty cervix, being on bedrest then have my husband loose his job, I can't work and we can't pay our bills...I'm fine with be pregnant.

19 week 5 days

I really feel like im at my breaking point right now. My parents were here my husbands mom and everyone came over also and I just feel like screaming my head off. Everything is getting to me and I dont know if I can take it. I feel my blood pressure going up and up. They are all like oh I feel so bad for her well I feel bad for me too. But what can I do? just lay around like everyday.


Another thing too is that my husband already a couple times this week went out with his friend for a couple hours then comes back home with him and is with him for like 5 hours then comes back to me and says oh do you need something I say no and he goes back out there by himself and plays games for the rest of the night. I feel so alone and like crying and i just feel like I should be away from everyone. maybe the hospital would be a better place for me that way im nobody's burden. I feel so hopeless and knowing my cervix gets shorter with every week knowing these babies could come anytime that I have no control of this and bedrest doesn't seem to be doing shit I'm so lost and looking for hope but everytime I get some hope its thrown away as soon as the bad news rears its ugly head. help me!

19 weeks 4 days

Here I am again bed ridden and feeling like poop...I looked up things to try and get help with housing and all that but I have to go to the place and apply but I'm on disability and on strict bedrest so how? I really dont want to give up our own space its the only place I feel comfortable. I dont want to live with my in laws and take their bedroom ugh. We need help bad. W wish we could live off and pay bills with $87 a week. Being on short term disability how am I only getting paid for 24 hours when I was working 40 hours...how does that work.

sick of it all

I keep going in and out of this depressed state being so frustrated that I just want all this to end and it isnt just the babies its the fact that now we cant keep our apartment because we dont have enough cash flow, we can't pay our bills and I just feel done with all this. Im so scard of all this. I mean we have had people offer to let us say there but its like oh you can bring your ferret (even though its pretty much my baby) and I dont want to part with him or have anyone else take care of him he gets me through my bed rest days. And my moms place is tiny but she would let us bring him along. I dont know anymore.

18 weeks 5 days

Well im still here and so are the babies :) I have my cervical check Thursday which im excited/nervous about...im hoping for the best though I need some good news and hopefully the babies are still good and growing strong. Last week a(the boy) was 8ozs and b(the girls) was 7ozs it would be awesome if they each went up an oz or so. Today wasnt so bad. I've been kind of stressed with bills since my husband lost his job and im on disability through my job. But my husbands father and step mom actually paid some of our bills for us which took a load off for right now. Now we can start over and budget more effectively. I'm really thankful for that.

I want to be gone, alone.

Today is one of the worst days. It is day 17 on strict bed rest and my mind is just going and going. I know im doing this for my babies but I really don't know how much longer I can hold on mentally. I feel like im on the brink of a break down and I dont know what to do. i'm only 18 weeks 3 days and I have a long way to go for them to even have a chance at survival and everyday scares me.