Our final Goodbye

Today was the day. It was set. Friday September 9th @ 11:00am would be the time we would say our last goodbye. I woke up at 7:00am to my antibiotic pill alarm and couldn't get back to sleep after taking it. The time of our actual wake up was 8:30am, the time I woke up my husband. We started the day with a nice shower, waited for my parents to get here to start food for after the service and got ready. My husband started writing a poem for Dexter and let me tell you reading it almost made me cry, but I couldn"t I just did my make up and finished getting ready. Once my parents were here we waited for other family to get here so we could follow each other to the cemetery. 10:45am came along and it was time to go. Since it wasn't a "normal" funeral we didn't get those flags everyone gets to put on their cars to be able to go through red lights and all, we got the frustration of trying to keep up with everyone and stay together. Luckily the cemetery isn't too far from our place. So we took the right into the cemetery then took a right, and another left and I see this white tiny box all propped up, and my eyes start swelling with tears because that's him right there in the box all out for everyone to see. This is the last time he would be around us physically. My mom brought with her butterflies to let go along with a few balloons and roses for myself, my mom, dad and my husband. The funeral director asks us if we want to be here for the burial. Of course I say yes...If I weren't it wouldn't feel finalized to me. So it begins with my husband reading the poem and it makes everyone bawl. It was truely a great poem...publish worthy. He made it so it sounded like Dexter telling everyone how he feels and that things are fine. After that we released the butterflies. My butterfly didn't want to leave but eventually did. We released the balloons. I didn't say anything aloud but did in my head while releasing the butterfly and balloon. My husband actually was given the chance to but Dexter into the grave. I told him he should put his poem in the grave with Dexter so he dropped it in and we each dropped our red roses in and we watched as the grave was covered with dirt and grass was put back over. Now all we are waiting for is his stone to be made and put on his grave. I'm glad my baby boy can now rest and be at peace. Dexter Rylan will be forever missed.

If finally hit me last night...

After weeks of just going and focusing on other things, worrying about this and that. I'm burying my child. The first I gave birth to, who was alive...who was put through hell. When I finally had that chance to lay down to try and get to sleep that's what flooded my mind. I started crying. Those days in labor which I had no clue about really. His prolapsed cord, pushing through no contractions and him actually being born. Seeing him on ultrasound that last time to check progress with my pushing. NICU grabbing him to try and stabilize him to bring him upstairs to the NICU and me hearing how his heartrate is low and how it keeps dropping. I knew as soon as he came out I would loose him. And when he was born I started bawling...because that was it. NICU came down a short time later and said this would be the time to pull support because he isn't responding well at all. So we went up to see him, we decided and that was that. We held him, family held him and he was gone. They told us he was pretty much in a coma...he didn't respond to anything physically. He was born August 16th at 2:48PM and was gone by 5:20PM. I remember having him brought to our room and just having him lay next to me on the bed...he looked so sweet and peaceful. He looked so much like my husband. I can say, I am glad he held out as long as he could inside me to give his sister a chance at life, and I know he's watching over us all.

Could it be?

I'm starting to think maybe I do have this depression thing people talk about. Today started okay but then got worse. After the visiting nurse it kind of went downhill. I pumped and got literally 2 drops of milk. We went out a bit saw my father at work the husband applied for a job. We came home to pump (trying to keep an every 2 hour schedual or as close to it as possible) so I pumped and nothing. I barely sleep at night because I have to wake up to take my antibiotics throughout my night so I try and pump as much as possible during the day. That kind of brought on everything. What kind of mom am I that I can't give some milk to my daughter and the fact that she's there because of me and Dexter isn't here because of the same reason. And my mom is still on me about oh you need to be there more for Madison...but what if I'm sick right now I'm doing all I can I feel like. I know I don't call to check on her every second or am there every second...maybe I should be I don't know what's wrong. Maybe it looks like I don't care, I do but maybe I'm still trying to keep myself no so attached encase something should happen and I don't even know why I'm saying that because I know she's going to make it. I did go see her today...only once :/ she didn't have a bad day her white blood cell count went down which was good. Still on the low setting for her oxygen and nothing much has changed otherwise. So today was a good day for Madison. On a sad note we have to go down to the memorial place to pick and design the stone for Dexter and figure out a date and time for his funeral. How do you pick these things? When do you know your ready to say goodbye?