20 weeks 5 days

Its two days until the 21 week mark. Kind of excited then I will only need another 5 weeks to reach my goal. So with that brings my cervical length check tuesday and my OB appointment on wednesday which I really don't know why I bother going to see her it seems the high risk doctor does everything. I was feeling a little extra stressed today, don't really know why. I got up to go pee as I usually do and wiped and noticed few little red dots...not sure where they came from. I'm not too concerned about it seeing as it hasn't turned into anything big but it was kind of odd...

20 weeks 4 days

I feel like this pregnancy and all these issues are making me a miserable person. And my husband gets most of it. I'm not happy and I feel like I should just be left alone like this is my problem and I should be the only one dealing with it. The fact that nothings change much in last last week was good news but that quickly wore off because where am I still confined to this bedwith no guarantees and now I feel like its only a matter of time now just waiting for something else to happen.

20 weeks 3 days

Well yesterday was 20 weeks 3 days. Not too bad of a day my mom and dad came over and made breakfast for dinner for my husband and I it was sooo good. Baby wise we are all still holding up I still get those times throughout the day where I feel depressed and sorry for myself but I guess it comes with the territory.There are nights I notice when I wake up to pee I just feel like its going to be over right now. Maybe its dreams I've been having but I can't remember what they were I just remember not feeling positive when I wake up...its odd.I know for today they are still here with me.

20 weeks 2 days

    I had two appointments an ultrasound to check cervical length and a post op with my doctor to talk about whats going on. It took a whole to hours between waiting and being seen. Anyways the ultrasound showed the usual funneling, short cervix, and the bag dipping past the stitch. I was .6 last week now i'm .488 which he considers fine and no change since last week. He did a manual which is never pleasant and says from what he could feel no dilation, good. He can feel the length of my itty bitty cervix then the stitch and doesn't feel the bag of water also good. He brought up a second surgery for a cerclage and felt that being somewhat stable right now he doesnt wan to disturb things. So we decided, that way it won't be too late to see him in 5 days and not 7 to check out the cervix and put the possibility of another cerclage back on the table based on those findings. He said my cervix could hold for a few more weeks even months but again nothing is definite.
      They also found that my blood pressure/pulse was high. They re-took it with me lying on my side and the blood pressure came down but my pulse was still up there so we will see what happens with that. It was semi good news the doctor is still conerned as I am but I am to keep to my strict bedrest and weekly progestrone shots and see where it takes me.

20 weeks 1 day

It is day ONE past 20 weeks and my Post Op/ cervical check ultrasound is tomorrow. Now in the last 4 weeks I've come to not expect anything "good" cervical wise from these appointments. So I will go in with a mentality of there could be something good BUT don't expect it. If there were to be some good then well thank you very much I will take it. So it is again a bittersweet time of the week. Sweet because we are all still here, bitter because I don't know how much more badnews I can take. I'm scared because I know we will have to figure out what is needed to be done to continue this pregnancy because of how short my cervix is. I just hope I can get all the facts and every option possible not just be sent home to wait because like I said before the cerclage surgery was done I won't leave until I know I've done everything I can for them. Until tomorrow...

20 weeks

I woke up feeling postive, I even said these babies probably wouldn't be here still without the cerclage and I'm probably right. But as the day went on you can't help but think about everything that is stacked against you and how small you are in the equation. I dont know if I should be feeling this way but lastnight the husband sprung on me oh his friend and wife are coming over, and me feeling how I do. Do you think I want to see anyone not being able to shower like I would like and just feeling downright crappy? No I don't let alone have them come here with their two kids saying oh are you ready? You can have them anytime you want. Be prepared to be up all night...and here I am thinking I have a slim chance of keeping my babies how can you (knowing my situation) come into my room with your two kids bragging oh they are such good kids blah blah but thats all good for you. When am I going to catch a break really? I'm trying so hard to get them here safe and all those who don't want kids, call their kids accidents come on! I'm thankful I can see them on ultrasound and hope maybe, just maybe I will get to hold them in my arms and have children. Actually survive and thrive, that is my wish.

19 weeks 6 days

I'll be 20 weeks tomorrow. I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that this could all end really quickly. The baby A's bag of water is dipping past the stitch and I really don't see a good outcome. I'm pretty sure soon it will cause me to dilate and the water will break and could cause me to loose one or both babies which I can't even imagine going through right now. Everone is saying be positive please be positive but I don't think they understand the severity of the situation let alone whats really going on. Its more than just lay down and you'll be fine which I think is what they are thinking.
  My husband's grandmother said to me yesturday I feel so bad you have to lay down it must suck, yes it does but then she goes on to say its bad enough being pregnant now you have to be in bed. No, its bad when you can't get pregnant on your own go through extensive fertility treatments to get pregnant to loose the baby, then go through the treatments again get pregnant think everythings okay when its not, having a shitty cervix, being on bedrest then have my husband loose his job, I can't work and we can't pay our bills...I'm fine with be pregnant.