20 weeks 1 day

It is day ONE past 20 weeks and my Post Op/ cervical check ultrasound is tomorrow. Now in the last 4 weeks I've come to not expect anything "good" cervical wise from these appointments. So I will go in with a mentality of there could be something good BUT don't expect it. If there were to be some good then well thank you very much I will take it. So it is again a bittersweet time of the week. Sweet because we are all still here, bitter because I don't know how much more badnews I can take. I'm scared because I know we will have to figure out what is needed to be done to continue this pregnancy because of how short my cervix is. I just hope I can get all the facts and every option possible not just be sent home to wait because like I said before the cerclage surgery was done I won't leave until I know I've done everything I can for them. Until tomorrow...

20 weeks

I woke up feeling postive, I even said these babies probably wouldn't be here still without the cerclage and I'm probably right. But as the day went on you can't help but think about everything that is stacked against you and how small you are in the equation. I dont know if I should be feeling this way but lastnight the husband sprung on me oh his friend and wife are coming over, and me feeling how I do. Do you think I want to see anyone not being able to shower like I would like and just feeling downright crappy? No I don't let alone have them come here with their two kids saying oh are you ready? You can have them anytime you want. Be prepared to be up all night...and here I am thinking I have a slim chance of keeping my babies how can you (knowing my situation) come into my room with your two kids bragging oh they are such good kids blah blah but thats all good for you. When am I going to catch a break really? I'm trying so hard to get them here safe and all those who don't want kids, call their kids accidents come on! I'm thankful I can see them on ultrasound and hope maybe, just maybe I will get to hold them in my arms and have children. Actually survive and thrive, that is my wish.