Happy or Not

First of all I want to wish you all a Happy Easter or just a "Hello and thank you for reading!," for those of you who don't celebrate. Madison and I had a little photo shoot so I would like to share a couple photos with you all. But onto so not so awesome news...my husband found out a couple days ago that his father has lymphoma. He went into the hospital a couple weeks ago because he was having really bad pain in his face pretty much thinking he had a sinus thing and after getting his nose reposition and some nasty stuff sucked out that was their finding. His birthday is on Easter also...so thhe family and I will be going to visit. They are having a suprise thing for him with cake and all. Its hard for me to see him the way he is and I feel so awkward being there because I really don't know what to say or how to act...he and his wife were at my side daily while I was in the hospital dealing with what I had to for the babies and I feel like I can't really give that back to him because I can't have Madison really out like that. Life just knows when you tear you down.

One year ago today..

Faint second line but its there. April 2nd 2011

One year ago today I got the fainest positive on the second pregnancy test I took. First one being negative. It reassured me that the FET transfer indeed worked (for a second time) and that I was pregnant with the twins. Well it didn't say "this is a twin pregnancy," but we transferred two embryos and I knew they both took and I was for sure pregnant! It was the happiest moment but scariest moment. After knowing for sure I came up with anything that could possibly go wrong. I googled everything...and almost everything I thought of ended up happening. I ended up going to get checked soon after finding out I was probably around 5 weeks because of bleeding and I saw those two strong heartbeats so I knew they we both good and will survive at that point. Or first baby prior to the twins didn't have much of a heartbeat. I thought about bleeding, miscarriage threat being told at 14 weeks I may be 1cm dilated and that once I'm past 12 weeks the threat goes down...well hello I was past 12 weeks. I thought about my mom and how her cervix gave out on her two pregnancies prior to my birth I was the only survivor. I was about 28 weeks give or take born at 1lb 11 1/2ozs. Knowing that I made sure my OB knew I wanted to be checked right away but she didn't want to do it until I reachhed 15 weeks because thats when there would be a change and when I came to get checked that change was a HUGE one. I remember the ultrasound tech checking me and she was very quiet and asked me what I was here for and I said to get a cervical length check and she was quiet again. I remember saying "Is there something wrong? You scaring me." and she told me "you should be scared, you have barely any length left." And I remember balling my eyes out because I told him about this way early on and he just didn't understand." You all know the rest of the story so I won't repeat myself but this just brings back all those memories.
  I think I'm getting the start of my period and I kind of hoped it didn't start. I would LOVE to be pregnant again. But this is probably a good sign. I had what I thought was a period last month and this (whatever it is) has started again around the same time so maybe I'm ovulating...I don't know. For those of you who are like umm you don't know if its a period!? I never got a period before pregnancy unless it was medically induced so maybe my body is catching on and this Metformin is helping with my PCOS...

Sleep Study

Well today is the day of Madison's BIG sleep study. We almost got away with not doing it because of her being monitored at the hospital after her surgery BUT she isn't gaining enough weight it seems. So now we are mixing her formula to be 26 calories now and see how that works out. So it seems it will be just baby and I for the night. I know she'll do fine I've had her of oxygen over a month now.

Child birth again

I had a dream a few nights ago...and it was really weird. Maybe its because Dexter has been on my mind a lot, and it just kills me to think about the what ifs and 7 months later I still feel like this is all my fault and if I would have made a different decision the outcome would have been better. So here was the dream it isn't all detailed and there isn't too much to it BUT I dreamt I gave birth and after all that there was no baby. I remember giving birth to Dexter and immediately crying afterward because I knew that was the last time he would be with me. The last time he could be alive without a struggle and it was one the last and only couple times I felt him kick. My husband got a tattoo for him and its beautiful. I will get a picture up for you guys. Its a tiny baby in a womb and its sad but beautiful. I was watching it for him because its on his back and I was saying I get to wash Dexter now :) I miss him so much.

Medications...

Going away one by one! Madison only has iron, sodium, prilosec and her thyroid meds left...she used to have about 7 medications total. So she only gets meds like 3 times a day instead of 8 how awesome :D I have brought Madison up to eating about 3 ozs at a time its going pretty good. The babes should be gaining that weight like nothing now. Since I last blogged we have taken her out on two walks the weather has been awesome for it and well I think she may be starting to like them. She has been less and less fussy since the formula change and boy does that make me one happy Mom. I love sweet quiet,talking,babies :P

Beyond irritated

I'm totally scatter brained right now and I have no clue where to begin. Things with my husband and I are well...not good. He is like a child in a mans body. I don't mean for this to be a whole post about complains but let me share my side of the story.
Since moving in together and getting married I've seen a side of him I HATE, and it's his gaming and throwing away money habits. He will JUMP for anything game related but I ask to do something for the baby and its "one second," which it never happens anyway because I just end up doing it. And him and I go over the same ting all the time and nothing changes. I'm getting fed up with it all. We are living with my parents now. All he does is wake up during the week to go to school for 5 1/2 hours and its either take a nap and play video games or he goes straight to the video games. I get 5 minutes here and there of him helping with Madison and thats it. Everytime I bring it up with him I'm "controlling him," or trying to "change him," and so because he is being this way I'm not showing him any "love," or "emotion" and how am I supposed to when your doing NOTHING for me? I would go to counseling but we don't have the money for it. He works 2 - 3 days tops at you guessed it...Gamestop which REALLY pissed me off when he told me he applied there. On top of that I know he is keeping his checks and cashing them for games and not helping with bills. I'm out of work as you may know taking care of the baby and my servence pay from my job is done the first week of April so I don't know what to do. He says he doesn't want to lose me but I don't know if I can stand being with someone so very immature and just fucking stupid sometimes Ugh.

For those who asked...

Here are a few photos of Madison more recently.

Enjoy <3