Shots

At Madion's year appointment with her Pedi she had to get 3 shots. Its been over a week later and I remember her having a little red dot after one injection and now she had some redness on her thigh that is getting bigger and feels lumpy. I'm not sure if that is from the injection because I'm pretty sure there was no redness at some point. So I called her Pedi's office and am waiting to hear back from the nurse.

A bit late

I forgot to share. Madison had an ultrasound on Wednesday to check on her kidney growth. All they told me was her kidneys are getting a little closer in size ..which I watched as she did the ultrasound and looked at her measurements. There was also free fluid in one of them last time but has went down since the last ultrasound. So all in all one kidney is still bigger than the other but they are getting closer together but aren't as big as they should be at her age. I'm thinking they are going by her actual age (1 year) instead of her adjusted age of (8 months+)

The first thing I did when we went in for the ultrasound I was saying how last time we were here Madison was an angry baby. She was still on the crappy formula and colicky and she said "yeah I read about her crying in the review." So I was thinking to myself damn she already has a record, giver her some slack. Which also made me think about the Seinfeld episode where Elane's doctor wrote in her chart she was a difficult patient lol.

Back in Time

I remember when she was born and when she was immediately wheeled away. I remember seeing her for the first time in the incubator surrounded by this squishy material to mimic the womb. Hot air was blown on her and she laid there with a breathing tube taped to her face. She laid there motionless except for the wiggling of her two big toes. She was tiny but even then full of life. She was a twin but there she was alone and there she would thrive and survive.

Who is chosen to lose a child? What are the requirements when we are chosen? Why must we need to suffer through a loss. It doesn't seem right. It seems as though it is all the good deserving people out there who are chosen. Those that just want that chance to love a child, to make a family complete. Even after the loss we are burdened with the thought. It never disappears or gets easier. It stays and it hurts and hurts. Some days or fine then other it comes back hitting a hundred times over and your shot down just like you were then. Everyone says how strong you are but that's just on the outside. If I could have just stopped everything from turning for a bit longer I would have but having a surviving child you have to love and take care of makes the world keep turning and there is no pause you have to keep living because if it isn't for yourself it's for her and she deserves it.

Nuvaring

I have decided I don't like it. Its fine when you plan on not having sex. I was told your partner shouldn't feel it and everything would go as normal. Umm not so much. It was like I was having sex with sandpaper and I would burn really bad after. And out of no where a few days before I was supposed to insert the new ring I starting spotting brown so that is a no go for me. PLUS I have to pay $27 for it umm no thanks. So I've decided to go birthcontrol free again and just take provera here and there to get a period.

Seperating Blogs

While this blog has come along way with me I think it's time to separate some topics to a different blog. I feel like this blog should just stay about infertility, pregnancy, the struggle and my baby. I'm going to make a separate blog for my weight loss but it will be accessible from this blog so there will be no need to go very far. Feel free to follow that one too. I will be removing the weight loss posts from this blog and will be transferring them to the new one.

NEW BLOG: http://themiseryofweight.blogspot.com

Please..

I hate to ask but there isn't really anything I can do about it right now. I'm really behind on my bills. My car payment and car insurance is due next week. On top of that I have my cell phone already passed due and it's our only telephone source. I can't work my husband doesn't have a job and all I get is $230 a week. If any of you could donate even just a dollar it would help. I felt like my daughter deserved a celebration for everything she's gone through, she deserved it and well that's where most of my money went. There is a button to the right on this page you can click to donate if you feel the need. If you cannot please share the page anything will help! Thank you again.

Madison

One year ago today my life changed. Decisions, suggestions and a bunch of information was thrown at me and it meant nothing. At around 7PM I was brought into surgery, by choice to try and give my unborn daughter a better shot at like. At 7:21PM Madison was delivered by c section. I wasn't listening for her first cry because I knew it wasn't going to happen she was too premature. What I did listen for was her stats and most importantly her heartrate and what they could stabilized it at before going to the NICU. Once I heard 160bpm I knew she would be okay. She was born 1lb 3ozs and only 10 1/2 inches long,. She's had 4 surgeries and life threatening infections that could have killed her. She spent the first four months of her life in the NICU 127 days. Today she is over 15lbs and an extremely loud and energetic ball of fire. I couldn't have imagined a better outcome for her. She has surprised us and her doctors. She is truly a miracle. So on this day we celebrate her life and her struggles because without her I don't know where I would be. Happy First Birthday Madison!

Dexter

Madison visiting Dexter

A year ago today I gave birth to my first born. At 2:48PM August 16th 2011 a 23 weeker came into this world weighing 1lb 4ozs. As soon as he came into this world he left. In his rememberence we released butterflies just as we did at his funeral. The only difference this time is that it was Madison's first time being at Dexter's grave and it was bittersweet. We had Madison hold a heart balloon and let it go when she felt the need and she had perfect timing. Each day never seems to get easier but I live with it. I didn't know I could feel so much for a person I've only had the chance of meeting for a couple hours before leaving a hole in my heart. Here are a few pictures I'd like to share.

Donations...

Well I made a donation page just to put it out there. I don't expect anything but it doesnt hurt to try. Copy & Paste http://www.gofundme.com/10g20s